In 2005, a Welsh psychologist announced that he had created a formula that combined factors such as weather, vacation debt, the time elapsed since Christmas, and the likelihood of New Year's resolutions being abandoned to determine the most depressing day of the year: the third Monday in January, also known as "Blue Monday".
For many people – especially in the upper latitudes of the northern hemisphere – this sounded logical. After all, January can seem a little gloomy with its weak sunlight and often uncomfortable weather, the end of the holiday celebrations and endless commercials for diets and exercise equipment. As we rise in the dark to trudge to work and are greeted again by the dark on the way home, spring seems particularly far away.
But the vaunted “discovery” was in truth a PR stunt disguised as science. Blue Monday and its bogus formula were commissioned by a savvy travel agent in the UK to keep people from sitting in their cabins complaining about bleak weather and booking a vacation in a warm and sunny place.
In 2020, winter comes towards the end of a disastrous year and with additional challenges that go beyond the usual seasonal funk. Americans are already staggering from a spring and summer of being isolated and physically distant to avoid the novel coronavirus that causes COVID-19. It was difficult or unsafe to partake in many of the sun-kissed rituals that usually help strengthen people against the coming winter.
By the fall came more than 200,000 Americans were dead, and the country saw another spike in COVID-19 cases nationwide. Many people have lost loved ones. Isolation, lack of contact with friends and family members, and the difficulty of teaching and working from home have taken a significant toll.
Winter promises more of this, and what spring could hold is currently completely uncertain. The holiday season – which can be difficult for many people under the best of circumstances – is especially tense this year. Public health experts have advised against indoor gatherings that include people who do not live in the same household. This directive has asked many how – or if – they can celebrate with loved ones.
Unhappy holidays?
In a year in which practically nothing was normal – "new" or different – the longing for traditional celebrations can be particularly great. However, it's important for customers to know that the holidays, like previous seasons, will most likely be atypical, says Stacy Blassingame, Licensed Professional Advisor (LPC).
"Most of us are feeling an increasing loss of attachment to relationships and traditions that we rely on to give meaning and purpose to life," she says. But customers don't have to forego the idea of sharing the holidays with loved ones. Your celebrations simply need to be reconsidered, says Blassingame, an American Counseling Association member who specializes in anxiety and family problems.
She helps clients figure out which aspects of the holidays have traditionally been most meaningful to them – such as baking and cooking, giving, taking photos, or sharing stories – and then identifying different ways to incorporate those things into celebrations. Blassingame and their clients have been looking for ways to use the entire holiday season, rather than just a day or two, to connect with friends and family through Zoom or even through small, physically distant gatherings.
One advantage of the increasing use of technology in celebrations is that customers tend to include family members who normally cannot travel to face-to-face meetings, she points out. "In fact, this summer I had the opportunity to attend a Zoom bridal shower that connected me with family members I haven't seen in years," says Blassingame, consultant and director of the Change Inc. consulting practice in St. Louis
Lauren Ostrowski, an LPC at a group practice in Pottstown, Pa. Whose counseling specialties include depression, anxiety, and relationship problems, suggests that clients get creative with technology. Instead of meeting in person as usual, family members could send or give their gifts and then open them at the same time on Zoom or use the platform to cook and eat a holiday meal together, suggests Ostrowski, a member of ACA
However, not everyone sees the holidays as a time when everything is happy and bright. "Holidays are complicated for a lot of people at the best of times," notes John Ballew, an LPC practicing in the Atlanta area. “For many people it has been painful not being able to spend time with those we love. For others with complicated family relationships, the idea of not being able to visit during the vacation can be more stressful than actually wasting time with the family. “Some customers might say to themselves how terrible it is that the pandemic is keeping them from spending the vacation with an extended family when the reality is they ate and drank too much on Thanksgiving last year and got into a major argument with their relatives. he says.
"Consultants never want to minimize their client's experience," warns Ballew, an ACA member. "However, when customers find out what is really important and what makes sense to them, alternatives can emerge."
Perhaps a vacation outside of the family conflict offers a much-needed break, he says. And if customers mostly spend their holidays alone – whether they choose or not – can they find a way to make the season meaningful in a new way?
"The vacation time is often an overwhelming vortex of shopping, consuming and busy," notes Ballew, whose counseling specialties include depression, anxiety, relationship problems and counseling for couples. “But this time of year is also suitable for thinking and thinking about what is important. Counselors have the opportunity to help clients understand the potential for good beneath the loss layers. "
Laura Brackett, an LPC and community engagement director for Change Inc. in St. Louis, notes that her clients have brought up the holiday season and how different it will be months in advance. She says before talking about how to mark the holidays, it was important for her to understand whether the holidays had historically been a time of celebration or pain for each of her clients, and whether – aside from the pandemic – there was something about it has helped make this year different from past vacation times.
For example, marking the holidays in a year where a parent died and the pandemic prevented a client's family members from grieving is drastically different from greeting this year's social distancing as a break from travel at four different ones Places in Brackett emphasizes that it is a 24-hour period.
"In general, I ask my clients what they need to grieve, celebrate, remember and let go," she says. "We're also discussing what power they have to decide what this holiday season will be for them, even if they even want to acknowledge it."
Some customers this holiday season may have mixed feelings, including guilt and sadness, Ostrowski says. "There are a lot more people who have an empty chair at the table this vacation," she notes.
Ostrowski helps customers find ways to honor their absent loved ones, e.g. B. to decorate a certain way or just to share memories with a friend or family member. She also reminds clients that it's okay to experience a moment or time of joy amidst sadness as a kind of gift to yourself. Ostrowski asks customers to notice these feelings – how part of them can be sad while another part is enjoying the moment. "You can have two different emotions at the same time," she confirms the customer.
A new kind of family conflict
Even among the most balanced families, it wouldn't be the holidays without at least a little conflict. Some of the disagreements this year likely involve advice from public health experts not to gather – at least indoors – for the holidays. Family members may have different views on what a “safe” gathering looks like.
"The fear of these situations is very real," says Ballew. "It has been labeled submission anxiety: a concern that disagreement with a person's choices implies criticism of coping with the pandemic life. It's important to reaffirm customers who strictly distance themselves socially when they have decided that this is best course of action is. "
Ballew also looks for signs that the conflict is an indication of problematic family dynamics. "It's not uncommon for customers to report that they feel disrespected in long-standing patterns with parents and other family members," he explains. “Social distancing decisions may just be the latest manifestation of this. There are several steps involved in coaching them: identifying the problem and the desired outcome, clarifying their boundaries and decisions, and then using behavioral tests or role-play to gain knowledge of how to manage these challenging interactions.
“Many people want family members to confirm their decisions in order to alleviate their own fear in the face of uncertainty. I find it helpful to point out how this betrays the client's power and exposes them to people whose values may be vastly different from their own. "
According to Blassingame, many of their customers feel that the pandemic has ruined large parts of their lives. She says it often helps customers realize that they in some ways agree with those who oppose a socially distant celebration because they believe it doesn't feel like the vacation without meeting in person. When you realize this, you can empathize with family members and approach the conflict in a more compassionate and centered manner.
Blassingame adds that some customers also find it helpful to rehearse how to respond to injured or disappointed family members. You can use statements like "I am really sad that it is not certain that we will meet." I can't wait until we're all back together. "
However, some customers face more difficult choices, she says. "I've also had clients who had to seriously weigh the pros and cons of vacationing without aging their loved ones, and realized that this might be their last vacation together," explains Blassingame. "A client of mine had an open and difficult conversation with her aging parents, weighing the pros and cons of not seeing her this year."
In the end, the client and her parents decided that they would always regret missing a potential final opportunity to celebrate together. They have decided to go on vacation together and take all possible safety precautions, says Blassingame.
Julie Cavese, an LPC with a private practice in Portland, Oregon, suggests a middle ground. She suggests investing in space heating, decorating the garage or carport, and having a few family members for a physically detached gathering. Or customers might suggest that family members take a vacation walk / hike or gather outside with hot chocolate.
For customers who don't feel comfortable getting together with an extended family, even outside of it: "I think just being honest is a long way," says Cavese. Customers might tell family members that they'd love to see them, of course, but they just don't feel safe doing it. Then you can add that you really look forward to seeing her next year.
Family members may not be happy with this decision, but Cavese asks customers what their priority is. Is it your personal safety and public health? "Or is it peace at all costs, even if that means Grandma gets sick?" Says Cavese.
Welcome winter
Blue Monday may be a myth, but there's a reason it still appears in news articles every January. Even people who do not experience Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) sometimes feel more sluggish and less motivated in winter. Winter weather can make going out difficult or undesirable. Many areas of the country routinely face heavy snowfall, biting winds, sleet and freezing rain, or at least uncomfortably cold rain. Even on sunny days, the light often feels a bit anemic.
"I notice that with shorter days, those whose mood is influenced by the changing seasons have to deal with bad mood much earlier than in previous years," says Blassingame. "I can't help but attribute this to the fact that most of us have already spent a lot of time alone and in our homes this year."
As Ballew remarks, we are facing all the usual challenges this winter without the social stimulus of parties and small pleasures such as concerts and plays.
Blassingame has asked all of its customers – with or without SAD – to prepare for the increasing isolation of the coming winter. Make the most of the time you can now spend outdoors, she advises.
"In many regions of the country, individuals can band together and go for a walk or even consider autumn camping or hiking to take advantage of the great outdoors even in the coldest months of the year," says Blassingame. "I [also] encourage customers to think about the things they enjoy doing during the slower hibernating months of the year and prepare for them now by planning winter projects and activities like home projects and crafts [and] that cook new recipes." . Some fill up with books to read and movies to watch for more free time. Having something to look forward to can be a useful tool for dealing with lengthy periods of isolation. "
“This year, self-sufficiency will be particularly important,” adds Ballew. "Don't give yourself too much self-reassurance by overeating and drinking too much, but neither are you avoiding these pleasures entirely. Exercise is key. Find something new to add to routines or change things up when you are bored. "
Blassingame agrees. "During these long months, I urge clients to be careful about their alcohol consumption … as many are more likely to drink in order to cope with loneliness and sadness. Clients often also need help identifying friends for support to prepare them for a greater success in winter. ”
One of Blassingame's customers gathers a group of friends to check-in regularly with each other and to give or mail random small gifts such as a candy bar or a pack of tea or coffee so that nobody feels forgotten.
Ballew encourages customers to renew contacts with old friends and to stay in closer contact with existing friends. He also urges customers to review online offerings such as meetups, 12-tier groups (if applicable), and other options.
"I often talk to individual customers about how to use online dating apps effectively at a time when dating is very different from last year," says Ballew.
"It is also helpful for people to develop an appreciation for their relationship with themselves," he continues. "Promoting new hobbies or reinvesting in old hobbies can help them experience time alone as something to be cherished, not just endured."
While customers need to find ways to make the winter more pleasant, they shouldn't feel obliged to be "productive," say Blassingame and Ballew.
"For example, I have a client who felt guilty at the beginning of the pandemic because she didn't bake bread, learned a new hobby or broadened her mind by reading a new book," says Blassingame. "We spent a lot of time talking about the messages she received about productivity and laziness."
The client's father had taught her that it was not okay to spend time relaxing and recharging, notes Blassingame. "When we researched how she wanted to spend her isolation time, she said she had a list of her top 50 favorite movies that she'd always wanted to watch again," says Blassingame.
The client realized that she didn't even want to learn how to bake bread. "She's seen some of her favorite films while she is at home and is saving the rest for this winter if she wants to spend more time indoors," says Blassingame. "Sometimes we just have to help our customers to give themselves permission to spend their time the way they really want."
It's great that some people spend this time learning or doing new things, says Ballew. "But for most of the people I work with, the pandemic and the changes in work and relationships it caused have consumed a lot of their bandwidth," he adds. “It is cruel to tell a parent to learn to speak another language or play the flute when reconciled from home with sketchy childcare. But that's exactly what some of my customers expected of themselves.
“Consultants are in a great position to help clients understand the demands that life makes on them. In my experience, the main need for clients is to learn more about self-compassion. "
Everyone has their own optimal level of stimulation, explains Ballew. Some people are stretched thin by the demands of the pandemic while others are under-simulated and bored.
“Counselors need to help clients understand their own situation and take care of themselves,” he says. “Does a customer need more structure to calm the chaos around them? Or do they need to add a challenge that they think makes sense? "
"One of the recommendations I give to most clients is to take time out every day to go out with a partner or alone," continues Ballew. “When they're walking alone, listening to audiobooks or podcasts can quench the urge to learn or do something useful. At the same time, exercise helps them regulate their mood better. "
It's okay to think of winter as a time for self-sufficiency, Cavese tells customers. She asks you to accept his cosiness and treat yourself to the wrapping, the hot drinks and the movie nights.
Holding on to hope
In the long nights of the coming winter, it can be easy to feel that the era of the coronavirus is endless.
"I don't think it's obvious to most [people] that what they are experiencing during the pandemic is some form of grief," says Blassingame, adding that it can be therapeutic just to name the grief and normalize it. Consultants and clients should also examine what has been lost both personally and as a society, she stresses.
"When some customers have problems, I've found it helpful to just say," This really sucks, doesn't it? "Says Ballew." Just acknowledging what is right in front of us can be liberating. Give your clients space to talk about frustrations, fears, and losses, even if they said pretty much the same thing last week. Many clients struggle to support others and the counseling session may be their only opportunity to acknowledge the depth of their loss. The aim is to help clients get to a place of acceptance when they can. "
"It is crucial for helpers to recognize how difficult these times were for them too," demands Blassingame. “As paradoxical as it may seem, we can often be more helpful by resisting the urge to resolve or remove the heartache and pain the customer is experiencing. Be a fighting person walking alongside them in the same fights. "
Brackett also believes that advisors may want to consider self-disclosure. "As consultants, we often appear to our clients as if we figured everything out, even if we don't intend to present it that way," she says. “Would it help normalize an experience with your own life? For example, a customer recently spoke about concerns about dropping temperature and how it will limit their ability to see people. While we were pondering ways to keep the connection when outdoor activities aren't that easy, the part of the conversation that supported them the most was my own disclosure about this issue: “I don't know how I feel about during a global pandemic Vacation can keep you connected season in the Midwest even in winter, and it's intimidating! Maybe we can find out together. "
"It is the last word – together – that reminds you that someone is with you, even if you don't know what to do."
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Contact the consultants interviewed for this article:
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Laurie Meyers is a senior writer for Counseling Today. Contact them at [email protected].
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Opinions and statements in articles appearing on CT Online should not be assumed to reflect the opinions of the editors or guidelines of the American Counseling Association.
