"Love yourself first and everything else is in harmony." ~ Lucille Ball
If you asked me ten years ago what self-love means, I would probably have said something general like "be happy". But self-love goes much deeper than that; It's about accepting the earlier versions of yourself and your current challenges and appreciating yourself how far you've come.
While we may have an idea of the “perfect person” we want to be, sometimes we are so hard on ourselves that we forget to guess who we are. The idea that we will not be the ideal version of ourselves until we have the "right" weight, have a specific job, or overcome all of our personal problems does not serve us.
I had to struggle with my weight for years and what my "perfect body" would look like. Years of being called fat and bullied in elementary school had instilled in me that I wasn't enough.
Although I was too young to know that I would not be like this forever, I started a cycle of self-loathing.
When I was about ten years old I was obsessed with my weight, took weight loss supplements behind my mother's back and dreamed of the day when I could finally get thin. The cycle eventually led to binge eating and even more weight gain.
Every time I could spend a day without food, I felt powerful and invincible, but shame and guilt quickly followed when I gave in – and I punished myself by repeating the same cycle. Over and over again.
Looking back at my life, I wish I could have just told the younger version of myself to let go of my own expectations and enjoy the innocence of youth.
Self-love forgives our past mistakes, recognizes what we have done, and finds comfort in dark times.
I guess we were all so hard on ourselves because we didn't meet our own expectations (or those of others) that we forgot to enjoy who we are right now. But only the present moment is promised. We do not know where we will be tomorrow or whether we will be here at all.
So, instead of worrying too much about your previous versions, realize that you are the best version of yourself that you can be now. And then commit to love yourself the way you are. Why?
The world deserves you all – just as you are now.
This is the only guaranteed moment we have. It doesn't matter whether you've made a mistake in the past because the apartment doesn't serve you now. Your family, friends and spouse deserve the authentic you that is not affected by doubts, uncertainties or past mistakes. Let self-esteem flow through you and let go of the idea that you are not enough. They are. Defects, weaknesses and everything.
If you don't love yourself, you'll settle for less.
When we don't love each other, we tend to settle for less with others and with life because we don't consider ourselves worthy. We assume that we shouldn't have expectations of others because we can't even meet our own expectations.
So we give in and say yes more often than we should. We accept relationships that add no value to our lives and do things that are not in our best interest. Self-love teaches us that we don't have to make great sacrifices just to please other people or to accept something that doesn't serve us.
They are valuable.
I had many situations in my life where I felt less than. I compared myself to others and felt that I would never be as important as them. However, feelings are not facts. Just because someone has more or has done more does not mean that their life is more valuable than yours.
We can learn to accept that others are happier and more successful than we are, but we still have something to offer the world. We all have strengths, skills, knowledge and ideas. And for many of us, our strengths lie in our struggles, which means that we have something to offer because we are imperfect. So forget what everyone else is doing and realize that you are capable of more than you think.
You need self-love to break the cycle.
It may be difficult to break deep-rooted habits, especially if they come from trauma, but self-love can change them.
For me, the cycle of binge eating resulted from the desire to be a perfect version of me. I lied and said to myself that the next time would be different, but the next time was the same as last time because I was always so hard on myself. It was only when I started to be friendlier to myself that I finally broke the cycle because I could forgive myself a setback and get back on the track instead of responding to my guilt and shame.
What is the cycle that holds you back in life? Can you be kind to yourself when you fight to make it easier to break?
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Self-love does not happen overnight. It's ugly, cries to sleep on some nights, accepts some of the trauma from your past, but it's worth it. You are the only version of yourself that you have. You don't have to sacrifice who you are at the moment to get an idea of who you should be. Everything you need to be is already you.
About Katia Aguirre-Vega
Katia Aguirre-Vega, a former foster child, likes to write as a means of personal development. One day she tries to influence many people who also go through their personal development journey. She believes that everyone has a purpose in life despite what they have been through. Her articles have been published in Foster Focus and NextStepUMagazine. You can connect to her here on Facebook.
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