"Any relationship that could be" ruined "by talking about feelings, standards or expectations was not strong enough anyway, so there is not much to ruin." ~ Unknown
So many of us believe that it is a noble thing not to express yourself. We get stoic and in control. Others become emotional and overwhelmed while we can keep it together. The idea that we are strong because we don't express our feelings is also strengthened socially. So we keep going because it's the right thing, right?
Not quite.
In my previous article, The Negative Impact If You Don't Feel Your Feelings, I explained that feelings are not problems or evidence that we are broken, they are just there to make us feel better. They reflect our state of mind and try to warn us if we engage in unhelpful or even harmful thinking. We then have the opportunity to realign what is good, healthy and nurturing for us.
Based on the many questions and messages I received after reading this article, I would now like to examine what happens to our relationships if we hold back our truth and inhibit our feelings.
So first of all we have to look at what is required to build a healthy and loving relationship.
Relationships thrive in an environment of emotional security, openness and authenticity. This means that both parties feel safe, must be safe for each other and be willing to express themselves openly and authentically.
Many of us did not grow up in households where this was allowed or possible. We have learned that expressing can lead to humiliation, shame and rejection. This kind of hardship can be unbearable for a child, so we have learned to inhibit ourselves.
But what protects us as children usually has a negative impact on our lives as adults. The inhibition now prevents us from building healthy relationships and developing real intimacy, which most of us appreciate more than anything else.
We inhibit ourselves every time we don't speak out or stand up for ourselves. We often inhibit relationships by hiding our feelings and therefore holding back what is true for us. We do what the other wants, whether we really want it or not.
This is a direct block to intimacy. If we are not open or honest about what we feel and what is going on for us, we take away the opportunity to really get to know each other.
However, we only do this because we believe that this is the way to be in relationships. It is part of our relationship design, the model of the relationship that we have inherited and internalized. In our eyes, we do what is right and what is required to maintain a connection. It is, after all, exactly what enabled us to maintain our ties in childhood.
We have learned that we cannot express ourselves or share our feelings in order to have a relationship. We believe that our feelings are problems for others and that their expression would endanger the relationship and that is what we do not want to lose. According to this logic, inhibition is the right way.
And that applies to unhealthy, superficial or unfulfilled relationships. It just doesn't work if you want to have healthy, intimate, entertaining, and life-promoting relationships.
I learned that the hard way …
All my life I have had trouble expressing myself in relationships. I struggled to ask what I wanted and to express how I felt. I neither communicated nor set limits, but felt cheated when they were disregarded or injured. I had many different expectations that I never shared, but I felt absolutely broken if they weren't met.
In my eyes it was easy to be with me because I didn't ask for anything. I didn't complain and didn't ask. I wasn't annoyed. I kept my feelings to myself and avoided confrontation and conflict. I could only believe that because I didn't know the consequences of my behavior, which would ultimately lead to the breakdown of my relationships.
Not expressing myself in my relationships meant that I was not looking at myself. This in itself is a catastrophic starting point because two healthy, participating people are required for a relationship. There is simply no relationship if a person hardly exists.
But when I don't think of myself, I also put pressure on my partner to look at myself in a way that is highly unrealistic. Knowing what I know now was never his sole responsibility. It was always mine. It is my job in a relationship to stand in my truth and express it so that my partner and I can build a relationship that works for both of us.
It's also pretty impossible to consider someone well enough if you don't know what they want or how they feel because they just don't share it with you. So that was a strategy that would never work. At that time in my life, however, I believed that my partner should know what I wanted or how I felt without having to express it. A deadly lie of the mind.
In healthy relationships we teach each other about each other. We teach each other as we grow and change continuously by expressing what is going on for us. We tell each other what we like and what we don't like. We share our feelings and how we influence each other. We are open to mutual feedback so that we can adjust if necessary.
In this way we create an environment for ourselves and each other that is nurturing, respectful and loving. It is a perfect environment for wellbeing and growth, but it is one that we have to create by expressing what is true for us. There is simply no other way.
We often stop expressing what is true for us to keep the peace and maintain the relationship, but a relationship that cannot deal with your truth is not a relationship you should be in.
As adults, we are not dependent on one person as we were as children. Our survival is no longer dependent on a caregiver. We are now dependent on ourselves. Our wellbeing depends on making smart choices for ourselves, and that includes the people we have in our lives. These people should be people who are safe for us and who love the full version of us.
I used to believe that holding back my truth by inhibiting my feelings and desires meant that I was a good partner and it was easy to be with him. I felt good about the role I played. I thought I did the right thing. It also allowed me to maintain relationships.
But I maintained relationships that were not intended for me (and possibly not for my partners). I presented a version of me that was not authentic. I didn't bring myself in – not completely, not authentically. I withheld my truth and thus withheld from my partners from really choosing. You have the superficial version of me. A version of Stepford Wife that was a lie. It was dishonest.
I did not understand that a healthy relationship requires openness, authenticity and honest expression. It was something that was never part of my relationship design. This had never been allowed or encouraged in the past.
And so I followed my pattern. I really wanted a healthy relationship, but it looked like it wasn't going to happen to me.
I couldn't have what I wanted because I didn't ask for it, and others didn't consider me because I didn't provide them anything that I could consider. I relied on her guess, which was usually wrong. I transferred my responsibility for my own well-being to my partners and depended on their best guesses, which would not be good for anyone.
I am now a staunch advocate of self-expression. Self-expression as a way to well-being and healthy connections. Self-expression as an expression of self-care, self-respect and self-love. Self-expression as a gateway to real, raw and deep intimacy.
You may think, like the old self, that it is good for your partner or your relationship to censor yourself and inhibit your feelings. You may feel stronger or harder for it. Maybe you've never thought about it, and that's fine.
But please know that you are worth expressing yourself. You need to take up space. Your feelings and desires are important. You can't mind anyone if they don't mind you at first.
A healthy relationship requires you to be there. Everything from you. You cannot experience deep connection and intimacy if you are not there for it. You cannot make a good partner choice if you are not honest with yourself or think you are yourself.
It's time to get rid of old patterns that keep you from getting the love you want. It is time that you were finally heard and seen. And it all starts with you. Say yes to self-expression! Be honest with yourself about how you feel and what you want and what you don't.
So you will be safe for yourself and in a healthy relationship too.
About Marlena Tillhon-Haslam
Marlena loves people and life and is passionate about finding ways to make our human experience as fulfilling as possible. She works as a psychotherapist, relationship trainer and clinical director. She loves to connect on Instagram or through her Facebook groups and pages. She is an expert in human relationships and sees her as the elixir of life for a meaningful existence.
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