“In the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. "~ Lau Tzu
With social distancing measures in response to the new corona virus, many of us have a lot more time and are isolated at the same time.
This can also mean that you feel more lonely than before.
That is a good thing! Challenges can help us understand ourselves on a much deeper level than we would have if we hadn't been challenged – precisely because our feelings are more intense.
Loneliness is not new. It was long before COVID-19 and will be here long after this phase of isolation. Whether you are used to feeling lonely or something new to you, this is an opportunity to connect with your heart and your growth. But first you have to understand the true source of your loneliness.
Alone against lonely
Some of us can be alone and feel very comfortable and peaceful, while others feel lonely when they are alone. Then there are people who feel alone and lonely, even when they are with friends or surrounded by people.
There is a big difference between being alone and loneliness.
Being alone is alone.
Being lonely is your experience that can happen whether you are alone or not.
What is loneliness?
Loneliness is a feeling that we experience when we are involved in judgments and insecurities about ourselves or our relationships.
You may feel lonely because you feel you have no one to speak to, or nobody understands you because you feel different from everyone else. I agree with that!
You may feel lonely because you want to connect deeply with other people, even if it only happens through Skype or Zoom, but it may feel emotionally insecure to do so. You have seen how people can deal with each other or you have already been injured. Now you are not sure if you can trust people. I was there!
You may want to have deep and meaningful conversations with people, but all you get is a flat, everyday chat. Yes, it will be exhausting very quickly! You try to connect with someone, but you feel alone because there is no depth of connection.
I have often wished that people either speak from their hearts or simply enjoy the silence.
You may be very sensitive to other people's energy (which is a superpower, just for your information), but the only way you can handle it now and feel safe is to be alone, even though you are yearn for connection.
Or maybe you feel excluded because the people around you all like the same things, but you don't.
Sport, connection and adaptation
From my mid teens to mid twenties, when many of my friends and the people I knew started drinking, smoking and partying, I felt really alone.
I liked doing sports. The one that excited me the most was ice hockey. Growing up in Australia was definitely not one of our most popular sports, but I loved it! The speed, dynamics, intensity and flow really got something out of me. Now that I live in Canada, it's everywhere.
This competitive team sport brought with me a feeling of solidarity that also touched my heart. The feeling of relying on each other during a game made me feel much bigger than me. Being connected on a deeper level, knowing how everyone would move or where they would be on the ice without having to think about it, made me feel so alive and connected.
I have very good memories of playing and training with my teammates – the intensity of the emotions during a game and the ability to let it go afterwards.
But for me there was a split. I felt this feeling of connection during a game or training, but then came a loneliness that came afterwards. Because I wasn't interested in the usual post-game celebrations where I drank and went to bars or clubs. I much preferred to come home after a game to relax and watch a movie.
Sometimes when I knew they were all out after a game, I felt lonely. I've tried drinking to adjust a few times, but it never got stuck. I just didn't like it! So I didn't do it.
Sometimes I went out with friends and only drank water while drinking alcohol. But that wasn't much better because I didn't like what it did to people and I didn't like to deal with the energy of drinking.
Even when I went out, I still felt alone because I just couldn't connect at that level.
What I really wanted after a match was my quiet time.
I was in my early twenties when I accepted that I only preferred time alone, but the feeling of occasional loneliness could not be stopped.
The interesting thing about feeling lonely is that when you feel it, you are not alone. Even if it feels that way to you, it is a shared experience that will eventually affect most people's lives.
loneliness and separation
When we experience loneliness, this is only possible because of an underlying feeling of separation. We often associate loneliness with being separate from other people, which is true, but in order to understand loneliness, we have to realize that it all starts with how separate we are from ourselves.
When I got home after a hockey game while my teammates were drinking, I felt lonely because part of me wanted to maintain that feeling of connection with them. Part of me wanted to be able to do what they wanted (go out and drink), but at the same time part of me didn't feel like it.
As long as I condemned myself for not going out with them, I would feel lonely. I didn't accept myself, which made me feel separated.
But when I accepted that I was different and that I liked spending time alone and a quiet night at home, the feeling of loneliness began to disappear. This self-acceptance brought me out of my head and back into my heart, where I felt a calm come up just enjoying my quiet night, stretching out or watching a film without self-assessment.
Being calm with myself, enjoying what I enjoyed brought a sense of connectedness to me – what I thought when I went out after a game with my teammates.
This was not an incredible moment of knowledge after which I never felt lonely again. It was a gradual process. There were times when I got home while my friends were out, when I still felt that familiar loneliness was coming back.
But I understood why I felt lonely – a separation from myself through a lack of self-acceptance. In times when the feeling of loneliness would return and I would be with me again, the loneliness would fade away again … like a muscle that needed to be strengthened.
When I think about this time in my life, I always find it fascinating to see that my friends have never judged me for not wanting to go out. I was always welcome to join them. They had accepted me the way I was. Only I didn't accept myself and that was a source of separation and loneliness.
Finding a Connection
That doesn't mean that I became a hermit without human interaction. Yes, I can feel very comfortable on my own, but I also love to get in touch with people. I just won't find it in an environment where people get drunk.
I love deep conversations. I love to connect and get to know people. When I speak to you, I want to know who you are. I have an infinite curiosity to understand what makes people what they are and a sensitivity to feeling the pain of others.
When we experience loneliness there is a need to feel connected and to connect with others, but the separation within us creates a closure in our hearts and we are caught thinking about what we do not have (connection ).
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Thoughts will lead to more emotional reactions and separations, which will then create even more thoughts – a vicious circle that can constantly feed itself.
And when we meet other people and have the opportunity to connect, we may not even be able to be with them because we are still trapped in our heads and judging ourselves and our experiences.
When we feel more present and accept ourselves, we can also feel the desire to connect with others, but now there is an openness in our hearts.
Our heart is the part of us that feels connected. Connection to ourselves – the essence of who we really are, beyond the dramas and stories that fill our minds – and connection to other people, animals, nature and creation.
When we are present and connected to our hearts, we can be peacefully satisfied ourselves or be inspired to get in touch with people. We don't have to feel lonely to get in touch with people. The goal is to let decisions like this flow from our hearts.
If you've been through challenging or traumatic life situations where you've felt broken, ashamed, or otherwise separated from yourself, you may find it harder to connect with your heart. That's okay.
It is also possible that you will have difficulties in contacting other people, perhaps because you have never felt a sense of belonging and live in a constant state of judgment and uncertainty. It's okay too.
When you first connect to yourself, it is much easier to connect with others, and in times when you are alone, you will not feel the same overwhelming feeling of loneliness.
What can you do to connect with yourself when you feel lonely?
Meditating
Meditation teaches us how to find a space of calm in ourselves. A simple silence and acceptance.
We only recognize the heavy burden and the effects of our thoughts and self-judgments when we have a moment of calm. In silence we can understand the burden we have borne because, in contrast, it is not there.
Over the years that I have been teaching meditation, one of the words that I have noticed that people often express when they start a consistent meditation practice is "relief". A relief from the burden they didn't know they were carrying.
The silent relief brings an opening in the heart and a feeling of connection. But remember, it takes practice (like learning other skills).
Gentle Yoga
I always preferred to keep my postures very slowly and carefully. It enables us to bring our consciousness into our body by being present to our physical sensations. Remember loneliness is a feeling with its own sensations.
When we experience intense emotions, we often separate ourselves from our bodies because we are caught in our thoughts (driven by the emotions), which reinforces everything. Reconnecting with our body helps us to anchor ourselves in feeling – and it is the feeling that slows thinking (and rethinking).
The connection of our body through feeling (not thinking about it or judging it) helps us to reach a place of acceptance.
Follow the feeling
Take your time to sit quietly and be present with your loneliness. No judgement. I just feel it.
If your mind wanders in thoughts, stories, emotional reactions or dramas, just acknowledge this and bring your consciousness back to the feeling of loneliness. Here meditation practice is so valuable because it teaches you the ability to just be present.
If you can allow yourself to feel the feeling of loneliness and be present (not wallowing in it), learn more about the source of your loneliness. It may not always be convenient, but it's about being present and accepting what's actually there for you.
Be curious
Use an attitude of non-judgmental curiosity in everything you do. This helps ensure that you are not too serious or too hard on yourself. Curiosity makes things more pleasant.
And remember, you are not alone!
There are others like you (well, not exactly like you, you are unique!) Who share the same thoughts and feelings and experience loneliness as a result.
If you learn more about your own experience of loneliness, you will find that you understand more about others. Loneliness is inherent in human experience and the world needs more people to understand.
Understanding brings us together. Understanding is a form of connection.
About Ben Fizell
Ben is a meditation teacher, silence coach, and founder of the Peacekeeper Project, a community dedicated to influencing humanity by helping individuals to shut down the spirit calm down and live from the heart. Ben believes that silence and sensitivity are superpowers available to everyone. Learn more and take part in a free meditation course in the Peacekeeper Project. You can also follow on Facebook and Instagram.
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