"I've written eleven books, but every time I think," Oh, they're going to find out now. I have a game for everyone and they will find out. “~ Maya Angelou
Any moment they would find out.
I scanned the large conference room. The 26 members of the project team at the table discussed the data analysis. Their voices were muffled by the thick fog of my fear.
My own throat tried to choke me and my chest refused to expand. Sweat ran down my side.
Breathe, just breathe. It will be fine.
My eyes met my boss' and he smiled at me across the room. I looked down quickly at my notes. My cheeks burned.
I knew what was to come.
Next, it would be my turn to present my part of the project. I had been working on it for months. Start early, stay late, enslave every waking hour, perfect every detail.
But I could no longer hide. Couldn't pretend anymore. I would be exposed.
In a few minutes you would find out that my efforts were not up to date. That I wasn't good enough.
They listened to my presentation and their faces darkened with disappointment. They whispered to each other in dismay and asked me questions I couldn't answer.
And then someone got up, pointed at me and said, “You have no idea what you are talking about, do you? You are nothing but a scam. A pathetic excuse for a scientist. You know nothing. "
Every minute now.
I clung to the edge of the table. Tears stung my eyes and I swallowed hard. My bowels were spinning.
I had to go.
I jumped up and mumbled an apology. Heart racing, I stumbled out of the room and made it to the bathroom.
And then I cried.
Why I was a cheater by name but not by nature
I finally managed to pull myself together. I washed my face, blown my nose, and took several deep breaths.
And I returned to the fateful meeting red-eyed and swollen. Fake an allergic reaction to hide my shameful episode.
I presented my work.
And nothing happened. Nobody contradicted, interrogated, exposed. No fingers were pointed at me.
I only saw friendly faces and nods of agreement. Some people even praised the tremendous amount of work I put in and the high quality of my results.
And yet, when I shuffled home exhausted and deaf that night, I had no desire to celebrate a success. Because all I could think was, “You were lucky this time. The next time they'll find out that you are for sure a scam. Then it's game over. "
And right there, on a gloomy November evening in 2007, it hit me. I had a problem. It ruined my life, destroyed my confidence, and sabotaged my career.
I had to do something about it.
When I got home, I googled "feeling like a cheat at work" and found that I was not alone. The problem seemed so common that it even had a name for it: imposter syndrome.
And I showed all the symptoms.
I doubted myself and my abilities and believed that my abilities and my expertise always fell short of expectations. No matter how hard I tried, my successes seemed negligible and ridiculous compared to others. And I couldn't believe anyone who told me I did a good job.
The imposter syndrome was clearly the problem I was facing. But the word "cheater" did not match what I saw in the office every day.
I have not maliciously tried to deceive other people and lead them to believe I am more knowledgeable, competent and successful than for my own fraudulent gain.
In fact, the opposite was the case.
I didn't pretend to be more than me to advance my career and take advantage of innocent people. No, I have hidden my weaknesses and shortcomings as best I can. So others would not discover my devastating secret.
I just didn't know it yet.
The revelation of the real reason behind my imposter syndrome
In the next few years I was looking for a way to eradicate my cheat syndrome. I read self-help books, took personal growth courses, meditated, and visualized.
And things got better.
After a while the all-consuming panic of being exposed as a fraud subsided. I was able to sit down better in meetings and presentations. And I even began to take praise here and there with an awkward smile and just a slight shock.
Even so, the persistent, fearful voice played in the background of my mind every day of my life: “You are a fraud. And one day they'll find out about you. "
The frustration of being stuck in an endless, self-degrading loop turned into anger at my inability to overcome my Cheat Syndrome. Why was I so horrified to be exposed?
My consciousness knew that I was doing pretty well. That I was good at my job. And that, even if my mistakes were exposed, it wouldn't be the end of my career.
Or my life.
Still, I was afraid of this one question that would hit my blind spot. And I anticipated the accusing finger when my work was scrutinized. Because my subconscious believed it was the end of being exposed as my faulty self.
I just didn't know why.
Until a few months later in May 2010 I took part in group hypnotherapy. We have been asked to regain memories of a scene in our past that gave rise to our most damaging beliefs. And while I couldn't conjure up the past, a limiting belief shot into my brain and made me gasp.
Because it explained all of my struggles with imposter syndrome.
The heartbreaking belief that destroyed my life and sabotaged my career
"I have no right to exist."
The brutality of the thought broke my heart and filled my eyes with tears. Why should I believe such a thing?
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it made sense. I constantly felt the need to work harder, be better, and achieve more to justify my existence. To prove to myself and others that it was okay to stay with me while I was useful.
Even though I was an illegal immigrant into life.
As long as I showed no weakness, made no mistake and did more than my fair share to society, I would be tolerated. Others would overlook the fact that I shouldn't really exist. That I was some kind of accident, a flaw in the universal plan.
But to be exposed as anything but perfect would result in my temporary stay in life being revoked.
And I knew deep in my heart that I wasn't flawless, that I was fighting. I was just forging the perfect version of myself that met all of the qualification criteria set out in my temporary residence permit.
I did not have the knowledge, expertise or success to permanently occupy a room in this life.
I was a fraud. Pretending to belong in this life when I didn't. Every day I desperately clung to the hope that I could just blind everyone around me for one more day. But I lived with the constant horror that my devastating secret would be revealed.
Sure, my consciousness understood that my fear was irrational.
What would I have thought if I had been exposed as a fraud without a permit to exist? Would I just stop being Disappear in a cloud of purple smoke?
I knew it didn't make sense. Yet belief was deeply anchored in me. And I was just about to find out why.
The disastrous reason I believed I had no right to exist
In September 2010 I consulted an energy healer to help with what was then severe fear. I mentioned that I was struggling with imposter syndrome and the belief that I had no right to exist.
And she looked at me and said, “Of course you do. Because you have no self worth. "
It was the piece of the puzzle that I needed. Suddenly it all made sense.
I believed that I was naturally worthless. And that I didn't have the right to exist unless I had value.
So my whole life was a tireless pursuit of more value. All the long hours, the hard work, the perfecting happened on behalf of a precious generation. Earning the right to exist.
But I was caught in a vicious circle.
I had to gain wealth, love and abundance in order to have enough worth to receive a permanent right to exist. But I wasn't worthy enough to deserve it.
I had to be a success, but I was afraid that reaching greatness would attract too much attention. And the fact that I was alive without the right permissions.
My inherent worthlessness made it impossible to claim the right to exist. And without the right to exist, I could never get what I needed to deserve enough worth.
It was a hopeless, futile search. With no prospect of a solution. And I had only one option: to pretend to be a fraud.
And I hope no one would ever find out.
The impossible riddle of a worthless existence
I had no idea how to get out of this rut. How could I amass enough worth to earn the right to exist so that I never have to feel like a cheat again?
During my search I hit a wall. There didn't seem to be a solution, just senseless ruminations that spun in endless circles. Was I doomed to hide in the shadows and could never rightly claim my place in life?
I wanted to surrender to my fate as an unwanted pretext, slave to my cheat syndrome and my worthlessness. But then my daughter was born.
And one realization changed everything.
The key to unlocking your value
About three weeks after she was born, I looked at my little girl who was sleeping peacefully. Her chest moved in a healthy rhythm and a tiny smile played around her lips.
My heart was filled with adoration for this wonderful creation and I knew it was precious. That she had every right to exist in this world and deserved all the love, happiness and abundance this life has to offer.
Nevertheless she had no successes, no wealth or success to pay for her right to exist. She never deserved any value. And she didn't have to.
Because value was the essence of their being, the core of their true selves. It was worth personifying.
And me and everyone else too. Because true, inner worth cannot be destroyed. It is as constant as our cell structure, it does not change when we fail, are criticized or make a mistake.
The realization was life-changing. The sudden relief felt like a medium-sized mountain range was falling from my chest. I didn't have to prove my worth!
Society had taught me all my life that I needed lofty achievement, perfection and wealth in order to deserve the right to exist. But they were wrong. My entire belief system that caused my struggles was flawed.
Because the truth was that I was worth like my little daughter.
As such, I could never be worthless. I had the right to exist, to claim my rightful place in life and my happiness here and now. Just because I was alive.
And I finally had the cure for my cheat syndrome.
How to stop feeling like a scam once and for all
So I started to claim, “I have the right to exist. I'm worth it "several times a day. Every time I felt insecure, worthless, or like a cheat, I was reminded of my infinite, inherent worth.
At first my mind resisted the change. Thinking about worthlessness had become a disastrous habit that my mind was unwilling to give up without a fight. But I persevered.
And finally I retrained my thoughts for a few months. I've created a new, healthier habit.
I noticed that I didn't feel inferior so often that my confidence in meetings improved. I stopped apologizing for taking up space or harassing people. And I became less demanding of myself, lovingly accepting and respecting my limits, knowing that perfection or its absence would not change my worth.
And one day I realized that the fear of being exposed if I attracted too much attention was gone. And without this fear, it was easier for me to assert myself against others and to defend my opinion. I even started to acknowledge and celebrate my achievements.
Now I'm no longer afraid of the accusing finger that identifies me as a fraud. I no longer have to pretend I'm more than me. Because I know that I am not a scam.
I am enough. From the day I was born to the day I will die and beyond that, I will have the right to exist.
Because I'm worth it.
Just like you.
About Berni Sewell
Dr. Berni Sewell, PhD, is a health scientist, energy healer, and confident blogger. She is on a mission to make you feel good no matter what. Grab their free Healthy Self-Worth Starter Kit to help boost your confidence, let go of shame and self-judgment, and get your life back today.
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