"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: If there is a reaction, both are transformed." ~ C.G. Young
Everyone says it. They say that chemistry is a must. I know I'm saying it. But why do we say that? What exactly is chemistry and is it really the best indicator of a good partner?
The man with whom I had the most chemistry (we call him Tim) treated me like an option and never really cared about my needs, wishes, or feelings.
I remember the day I met him and he opened the door and flashed his ear-to-ear grin. I literally said to myself, "FML, this guy is going to break my heart." Although I knew he would, and despite his treatment, I remained in a long, uninterrupted relationship with him for two and a half years. Oh, and yes, he broke my heart.
I not only did this once, but also six times!
Why did I put my feelings for him and my desire to be with him on my own health, my safety and my needs? Why do we do this over and over again? Why do we value chemistry more than care?
What is chemistry?
According to anthropologist Helen Fischer, chemistry is a mixture of hormones (testosterone and estrogen) and neurotransmitters (dopamine and serotonin). In her book Why We Love, she provides a framework that points to four different personality types, each composed of hormones and neurotransmitters to different extents.
The four personality types
The Explorer is characterized by high dopamine activity and is adventurous, looking for new products and creative
The builder with his high serotonin activity is careful, conventional and leader
The director pumped up with testosterone is aggressive, determined and analytical
The negotiator, more estrogen-influenced, is empathetic, idealistic, a thinker with large dimensions
But this biological chemistry is based on a psychological chemistry in which we are looking for someone to heal the damage done in our childhood. Our problems lie in this chemistry.
Most of the time we don't know that we're pulling this parental figure on us to get them to do things right this time, thus repairing our hurt hearts. Sometimes we know, but we still go on.
With Tim I knew immediately. I felt his avoidance and emotional unavailability. My intuition told me to run the moment I met him. Unfortunately, my hormones, soul and heart told me otherwise, and I've continued a pattern of pushing and pulling, love and contempt for over two years.
It was not so obvious to all my other friends and even my husband. Some showed up later and some were worse than others. But I felt a direct connection to each one of them and became a relationship within a few days.
So, is it all or nothing?
I never once took the time to determine how they treated me. I have never once taken the time to observe their behavior and their willingness to meet my needs. I let chemistry and my feelings towards them override common sense.
That doesn't mean that they are to blame or that they were bad guys because they weren't. My childhood problems have led the show and have been for as long as I can remember.
Each of them had the same characteristics. They were all nice, honest and good. But none of them seemed to care about my needs as much as their own. Life was all about their desires, needs and desires, and I should just accept it. Unfortunately, I accepted that. It took me so long to leave.
However, this is not a healthy way to interact in a relationship. It was my fault that I expressed my opinion and discussed my needs. I felt like I was lucky enough to get their crumbs, and if they said they loved me, that should have been enough. It was not.
There was always an underlying chemistry with everyone who kept me there and tried me. One night when I was separated from my husband, he spent the night after we went out for dinner. I remember lying there next to him. My body longed to be physically next to him, but I kept looking over at him and thinking to myself, "I really don't like you very much."
Chemistry can override our common sense and hold us together with someone who doesn't suit us or doesn't treat us well. Chemistry can be the most amazing thing on the planet. The heights you get are incredible. Unfortunately, the lows that can go with it are very low. So what are you doing?
Forward Movement
I find that from now on I am always chemically attracted to someone who has a bit of an evasive personality. Emotional ambivalence initially feels safe and normal to me. It feels like love and it feels like home. Unfortunately, this kind of love as an adult doesn't come true at all, and I have to figure out how to rewire my brain.
I'm not a doctor or therapist, but I know myself and think I'm pretty smart. I think it will have to be done in the future to take a closer look at my decisions before diving in.
Almost all dating experts will tell you the same thing: relationships build on mutual trust, intimacy, and the willingness of each partner to meet the needs of the other.
If you haven't heard of the famous study by John Gottman, here is a brief summary. They put together couples in a room and let them interact. They followed them over the years and came to one conclusion: everyone turns to their partner to make an emotional connection. They called these needs commandments.
They found that the couples who were happiest and stayed married fulfilled their partner's emotional commandments in 80% of the cases.
Gottman identified nine separate emotional commandments, including:
1. Attention
2. Interest
3. Affection
4. Extended conversation
5. Emotional support
6. Humor
7. Enthusiastic commitment
8. Play
9. Self-Revelation
What does that have to do with getting ahead and choosing a partner based on care rather than chemistry? It means you have to watch them. Don't race in. Don't choose someone just because you like them or because you have chemistry with them.
How does your partner react when you try to connect? Do they react to your bid or do they deviate from it? It doesn't matter whether you do it consciously or subconsciously. What matters is how they react.
Of course it is your responsibility to communicate your needs, wishes and needs. If you don't, you can't blame your partner for it. But if you have and your bids are still not being met, your relationship is likely to fail.
Decisions
It does not matter whether the person you selected has the look, job, sense of humor, ethics or personality that you desire and are attracted to. If they fail to meet your emotional connection bids, you will be unhappy and it will not work. Period.
So take some time to write down what you need from a partner. What are your non-negotiable items? Things like size, hair color or body type should not be considered here.
Non-negotiable things like:
honesty
Take my and her needs into account
Hard working
Not selfish
Makes me laugh
Can communicate their needs
Would like children / don't want children
Accepts the fact that I get very picky when I'm tired and not feeling bad
Listen to me
This is a basic list of some points to consider. Before investing time in dating, you need to invest time in yourself. Find out what you can and cannot do without. Write down three to five of your non-negotiation matters and stick to them.
I am not saying that doing this will be easy. The heart wants what it wants, and chemistry can be a powerful force. Perhaps this is what we should all think about when we prefer chemistry to care.
About Carrie L. Burns
Carrie L. Burns is a blogger on a self-discovery mission. As a survivor of sexual abuse who had struggled with depression anxiety, low self-esteem, lack of self-love and relationship problems for years, she found her purpose by writing her story and sharing it with others. Check out her other articles at www.acinglife.com.
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