“We all have everything in us that we need to reach our full potential.” ~ Abraham Maslow
Did you grow up with a critical, distant, or ignorant mother?
She may have made sure that your physical needs were met, but she never noticed or understood your emotional needs. If she were something like my mother, she might even have put you to shame because you have her!
You are now an adult and you have everything you need to be happy. Why are you not? Instead, you feel unworthy, disconnected, and lonely, even when you're with people you love. There is this constant emptiness that makes you angry and sad at the same time.
Perhaps you are still longing for a loving mother like you did when you were young, hoping that one day she would show up, or you might have given up hope that your mother would ever change .
In any case, it left open wounds in your entire being – invisible traces of the trauma you suffered. And you have to heal these wounds so that you can rediscover your true nature, activate your full potential and live a life of your choice – a life full of joy.
Healing is crucial for your health – mentally, physically and mentally. The good news is that you don't have to live in misery to wait for the “perfect” day to be happy. If you bring more joy into your life now, you can even heal.
Imagine this: Joy is like the sun, which eats gray clouds and opens the sky. Everything it touches becomes brighter and fills with the energy of growth.
Pleasure helps minimize the stress of the fight or flight response that you have become accustomed to due to your traumatic past. Instead, it activates positive patterns in your brain and helps you heal and thrive.
Exactly how it helped me.
How I learned to speak joy
I was thirty-one when I made the life-changing decision to move abroad, far from the stress of the strained relationship with my mother. Outwardly, I was a confident adult woman, the mother of a seven-year-old boy. But inside, I felt like a scared little girl longing for a safe hiding place.
Moving to a new country brought many positive changes to my life. But like almost everything in life, good was a challenge.
I ran away from my narcissistic mother, leaving behind everything I knew – everything I had built in my life. I also left Mum alone with my dear sick father before the Internet when international phone calls could puncture a family budget. What I wanted was a break from the pain caused by mom's behavior, but I never stopped worrying about her and my father.
I exchanged my career in one of the best medical centers in the country for the life of a housewife, surrounded by strangers who spoke a language I did not understand. I uprooted my little boy and took him to an unknown place in the distance. We both felt like two survivors who had landed on another planet and I needed all my strength to keep from falling apart.
So how did I go beyond just surviving and start to thrive? By making a conscious decision to live in the now and enjoy what I have.
As simple as it seemed, it was a challenge in itself. You see, mom taught me that life is a serious business and that neither fun nor joy belongs there. Fortunately, the healthy part of me knew what I needed: to master another “foreign language” – the language of joy. Fortunately, I listened.
"Even if you didn't have the mother you need, there is a place in your heart that totally loves." ~ Jette Simon, psychotherapist
So there I was and learned to enjoy everyday tasks like vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms – what could be less enjoyable than that? But I tuned in to MTV, sang along, and swung my hips to the tunes blazing out of the big black box on a television we had then. And this simple trick definitely drizzled my life and helped me turn boring, everyday things into fun activities.
After this little success, I learned to look for and find joy in everything I did.
You may not be able to change every challenging circumstance in your life, but you can bring more balance to your emotional inner world.
As a food lover, I experimented with local recipes, enjoyed the tickle of creativity, and shared the results.
My mother-in-law Kirsten, who called me every day, clearly took care of us. Unfortunately we didn't speak a common language and I needed something to bring these conversations to life. So I made a list of the things that I usually did – I suck, read, help my son with his homework and so on – and my husband translated it for me. This list not only became my first lesson in Danish, but also brought joy to our connection and deepened our relationship.
I loved spending time with my son without stress and I enjoyed the growing feeling of closeness between us. I did my best to help him cope with new people and our new life and he helped me again.
I also enjoyed my time alone – a walk with the dog (another language for learning!), Sunbathing on the terrace or reading a book. For the first time in my life, I could sit there and do nothing, and no one would criticize me for being as lazy as mom!
Spice up your daily activities to expand a positive flow and minimize reactivity patterns.
When I look back, I can clearly see that I have learned to be in the moment, to pay attention to what I did and to do it with joy.
My general mood began to improve and I could see my life in a brighter light. Every day looked more like an adventure, with endless possibilities of joy to present yourself.
Of course, my trauma didn't heal, but it did help me get the most out of a turbulent time of change and prepare myself for a healing journey.
Your brain still remembers
The chronic stress of a developmental trauma has a lasting effect on the brain. Overloaded with negative prejudices, some parts of your brain are overwhelmed and "act", while others are deaf and are taken out of the game. You have to calm the loud ones and reactivate those that have become quiet. In this way, you re-center yourself and find a healthier emotional balance.
When you laugh, have fun or just enjoy the moment, problems and worries step aside and you enter another realm where you feel connected, safe and loved.
Joy is within you as a natural part of your true being. You just have to find it and reconnect it.
This way you can improve your ability to feel joy.
Confirm your current situation .
Write in words what you are struggling with, why and how this will have a negative impact on you – not to punish anyone, but to clarify the challenge. Remember, denial holds you, but recognizing things for what they are opens doors for personal growth, healing, and joy.
Now that you know where you are, ask yourself what your life should be and what you can do to get there. There are always ways to move forward. Small steps bring you closer to your goal.
Find balance in a state of control.
Either too much or too little control means mutual dependency. Many people try to control their lives. To overcome this, let go of things that are out of your control, e.g. B. change other people. Instead, focus more on self-growth.
In other cases, people allow their circumstances to control their lives, resulting in little or no control. If this is the case for you, it means that you take matters into your own hands. Start with simpler things like taking care of your wellbeing and choosing things you enjoy. After that, work on saying no and building and defending strong boundaries.
Learn to tolerate difficult emotions.
In order to achieve a peaceful and joyful state, you must first learn to tolerate your difficult feelings. It's not easy, but staying with grief, anger, or shame can turn things around and create room for positive emotions. If you push these difficult feelings away, they'll almost certainly eat you alive. Do you want to miss all the good things in life? I didn't think that.
Confirm your feelings instead of suppressing, denying, or pushing them away. You have the right to everyone! How can you not be angry, sad or grieving when you grew up without the loving mother that you longed for as a child?
It can be difficult to deal with painful feelings even. Ask your partner, friend or therapist to support you during this time.
Live in the moment.
Did you know that multitasking is one of the greatest enemies of joy? It's true! If you take on multiple tasks at the same time, your mind and body are overworked, and it is impossible to enjoy yourself if you keep changing your activities. On the contrary, if you concentrate on one thing, joy can appear and blossom.
Learn to calm down.
Nobody is happy or relaxed all the time, but you can learn the skills and techniques to calm down when you need it. In this way, you will help your brain make more positive connections and open yourself up to joy.
Mindfulness and mediation are two great techniques to slow you down and focus on the moment. If you don't want to sit cross-legged on a pillow, don't worry, there are other ways to take advantage of these practices. Anything that helps you focus, stay alert, and be present will do the trick.
Get fully involved.
No matter what you do, get fully involved. Even if you do something out of necessity, it is possible to find joy in the action. By fully engaging in everything you do, you can discover new, exciting pages of boring things from your to-do list. And sometimes adding fun to boring, repetitive activities like washing dishes or waiting for the bus solves the problem and arouses joy.
Help or share.
Social connections bring a lot of joy to your life, even if you only connect with Zoom. Help people or share something with them – a cup of coffee, a smile or a passion of yours. For example, I like to bake and mix facial tonics and creams. it helps me relax. But sharing my passions with others brings me deep satisfaction and joy.
And the effect lasts for days and weeks – I promise!
Choose joy.
More joy means less inflammation in your body, better health and more happiness. You are no longer a prisoner of your feelings and can consciously decide where and how you want to use your energy.
When you activate joy, you can reconnect with an authentic, wise part of you that knows how to love. It means finally feeling like yourself and safe in your skin – no matter what trauma you have suffered in your life.
"Every moment when it really is in you brings you what you need." ~ Rumi
Choose Joy!
About Irina Bengtson
Irina is a daughter of a narcissistic mother, a clinical psychologist, and the founder of www.LoveGrowBeHappy.com. She combines her expertise with a healing experience to help other daughters of narcissistic, hurtful mothers free themselves from their dysfunctional relationships. She is a creator of online courses. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO RELAXING AND ENJOYING LIFE NOW AND HOW TO COME WITH A PAINFUL MOTHER AND RECOVER YOUR LIFE.
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