“Relax. Nothing is under control. "~ Adi Da Samraj
This was an incredibly difficult, stressful and uncertain year for me, as it was for most people.
If I were told a year ago that my working hours as a health care professional were going to be reduced in 2020, quarantined in a small one bedroom apartment with my seven month friend for months, I would gain fifteen pounds in a couple Months ago, and I would not have been able to travel to other countries, had I rolled my eyes, laughed in disbelief and thought to myself that who was providing this information would have eaten too many cocoa sachets.
The truth is that these last nine months, starting before the pandemic, have been some of the most emotionally and mentally challenging times I have ever experienced.
A little background story: Before the beginning of November I had two part-time jobs. After some thought and deliberation, I decided I was going to quit a job (the one my health insurance provided, of course) because I couldn't work eleven hour shifts while commuting another two hours in traffic from Chicago to be there Clinic.
Working on these two jobs had exhausted me and I had stopped taking care of myself. So I took a dip and decided to leave one of them in early November. At least I had until the end of the month to figure out what to do with health insurance. And honestly, how much could really happen in a month?
I made a plan to slowly extend my hours at my other workplace. At the end of November I had a surprising “change in my health”. That really shocked me and threw a curve ball as I was going to lose my group insurance in late November. Not wanting to pay $ 700 a month for COBRA insurance, I decided to pay out of pocket so I could see my doctor in December to discuss my change in health.
What are the chances that this would happen? How unfortunate could this timing be? Why now?
Then, in December, my health changed again. Fortunately, I didn't have to worry about continuing to pay to see my doctor again. However, I had a nice bill from those December visits to my family doctor.
I thought this could only get better … right?
Then in February I had a car accident while driving to work. My car was totalized. Fortunately, the other diver and I were doing fine. But we will only say that the last few months have had a difficult start.
When the coronavirus began to accelerate in March and my working hours were cut, I didn't even know what to think. With the pandemic, all of that uncertainty really came into its own. I remember staying up until the wee hours of the morning in the week of March 16, with a severe knot in my stomach reading all of the articles about coronavirus to try to make sense of what was happening .
Instead of making sense, I was filled with panic. I couldn't stop writing friends every new article I could find about how the coronavirus continues to affect and spread to others. In turn, my friends wrote me similar articles that only perpetuated fear.
This concern and unrest would not stop. It grew and grew until it was the only thing in the room with me. It was all I could think of.
I was worried about my family and friends. Every article I read seemed to contradict the previous one. I was worried about finances. I didn't know what to believe. I was worried about my job. Even now that the pandemic continues, it's still so confusing.
The past nine months have really reinforced why it's okay not to be in control.
The valuable lessons I have learned about control (or lack of it) help reduce my anxiety when I am overwhelmed and stressed. I hope this could help others who are feeling the same during these uncertain times.
1. Life is full of uncertainties, and that's okay.
It is human nature to have control and explanation for just about everything. It helps us stay relaxed and somewhat healthy. However, life is really a series of uncertain events.
Yes, we are in control of some things – like our actions. But when it comes down to it, we are not in control of many things – like a pandemic, other people, the weather, accidents …
The point is to navigate comfortably through uncertainty. The more I agree not to know everything, the calmer I feel.
2. Focus on the journey, not the destination.
During stressful times this year, such as my car accident, a change in health or the pandemic, my mind would always go into fast-forward mode. All of a sudden in my head I would jump to five years into the future.
How am I supposed to buy a house with all the money I pay for bills? Will my loved ones and I be okay with the pandemic? Will I have a permanent job?
This thought pattern helped me to realize that everything that someone can really do remains in the present moment. Especially in a case like the coronavirus, it will only burden my life unnecessarily if I go too far into the future with my fears and insecurities because I have no idea what is coming and when.
Yes, we can take precautionary measures. However, it's also important to know that worrying doesn't always solve anything in the long run. It just creates more problems to fixate on and takes us away from life and all of the precious moments that unfold around us in the present.
3. Make changes in your life that can be scary.
Since I do contract work, I am now in private individual insurance (which is not cheap). However, with my workload cut in half, I decided to step out of my comfort zone and work halfway across the country for a year as it offers healthcare benefits and the opportunity to grow professionally.
I feel like this takes a huge leap when traveling around the country with my friend during a pandemic. However, I also believe that life is short and now the time has come to make more changes in order to move forward.
4. There are classes every day.
Let me tell you, I haven't always prepared the best emergency fund. It was in the back of my mind but not a priority until it all hit the fan for me in November. If this isn't the universe sending a powerful message, I am not sure what it is.
I've learned to put money in an emergency fund and use it smarter. Not to take my health for granted. To really appreciate and enjoy the time with family and friends. This year also taught me that nothing is guaranteed and everything can be taken away immediately.
5. The only constant in life is inner joy.
I used to believe the quote that the only constant in life was change. This was before I went to Thailand and was on a yoga retreat two years ago. One day when my friend and I were attending a meditation class, our teacher Ulf told us that the only constant in life is inner joy. The more I think about this statement, the more I agree.
Nobody can take away your inner joy. No matter how tough life gets, finding joy is important. While it can be quite challenging at times, I've tried to be more conscious of it.
Go for a walk and find joy in the sunshine. Calling a friend I haven't reached in over a year. Eating a meal made from scratch. Cuddle with my boyfriend. Joy can also be found in hard and dark times because it comes from within. Nobody but us can take joy.
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For everyone out there struggling with all this uncertainty, it is okay not to know and find inner joy when everything seems to be unraveling and out of our control. This is about dealing with life and all its insecurities with openness and awe. Here is to live.
About Sarah Masse
Sarah Masse is an occupational therapist who likes to write when she is not working. She is always looking for a new destination to find out if it is a country or a country outside the country. Sarah has a travel blog that documents some of her adventures on truetravelnista.com. Visit Sarah on Instagram at smasse14.
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