"Only recently did I realize that you don't want to hide, suppress or suppress yourself when you are different." ~ Amy Gerstler
I grew up in the traditional times of the sixties and seventies. Dad went to work and earned the family income while mom worked at home and raised her children. We were a family of seven. My brother was the firstborn and was followed by four sisters. I was the middle kid.
I didn't know exactly where I belonged. I commuted between my two older and younger two siblings and felt like the third wheel no matter where I was.
I was the one in my family who was "different". I felt uncomfortable in groups, was emotionally sensitive, didn't tolerate loud noises, and didn't find most jokes funny. Especially when the jokes were at someone else's expense. I was often someone else.
Yes, I was the proverbial black sheep. I was on the edge of my own family, a microcosm of the larger world.
Life felt hard and lonely. I felt isolated and misunderstood. Too often I wondered what was wrong with me and why I didn't quite fit. Others seemed satisfied with the status quo. I never was. Others did not question the inequalities I saw in life. I did. Others did not seem to notice the suffering of others. I embodied it.
Being different didn't exactly make me popular. On the contrary. Who knew what to do with my awkwardness? I sure didn't.
As a result, I was depressed for a good part of my life. That was not identified or discussed at the time. Too often it still isn't like that. A disjointed life and feelings of loneliness and isolation lead to depression, among other things.
I hit my teenagers and did what too many do: I looked for ways to be comfortably deaf. My choice was alcohol. It gave me the option to adapt, or at least not to care that I didn't. I rebelled. I destroyed myself. For years.
As life wants, I grew up feeling in the dark and wondering when the lights would go on. I turned inward looking for the comfort I couldn't find in the world. I hid my pain and my forlornness. Sometimes I prayed that I would get cancer and die.
A heroic outcome shouldn't be my path.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Maybe you feel what I felt. Perhaps you know the pain of chronic isolation and what it means to be different in a culture that favors equality. Are you wondering if you will ever be fine? Are you wondering if you will ever fit?
Well let me tell you:
First of all, you fit. You always passed. You belong. You always heard. You are needed – more than you know. These are truisms.
Others don't have to believe that you belong in order to know that you belong. Others don't have to treat you as an insider for you to know it's you.
Knowing intellectually that you belong is one thing. The feeling of belonging to you is a whole different matter. It's an inside job. In other words, this is your job.
So I did what I had to do to make change, to get the life I wanted. I faced the challenges in my life that arose from my work environment and my personal relationships.
I often got into conflict with persons in authority and changed jobs frequently. I didn't know how to let others near me. I was afraid of being rejected, so I used anger and avoidance to distance those who mattered most to me. I wasn't happy, satisfied, or at peace. I felt that mostly.
So I faced my pain and pain instead of numbing it.
As I became more honest with myself, I started to think that maybe there was nothing wrong with me. Maybe something was wrong with the world or the system that is telling me that something is wrong with me.
So I started to look at myself with different eyes. I started making a noise. I got out of the stands and stepped into the ring. I chose to participate in life as I was, not as others thought I should be. I began to push myself against the limits that others had set.
Yes, I was rejected. I've dealt with disapproval. It was hard. Very hard. It hurts. I cried. I stamped my feet. I cried again. I gave myself permission to be angry.
Despite the inner chaos, despite the pain, despite my turbulence, I would do everything again.
When we try to make changes when we own our own lives, when we run into other people's expectations, it often gets chaotic before it gets better.
DO IT HOWEVER! Because it's getting better. For every person who rejects you, someone else will hug you. But you can only meet these people if you hug each other first. Because you have to accept yourself to be able to stand there.
If you are afraid to move forward, move anyway.
If you want to quit because it feels too heavy, take a rest. Do something nice for you. Then get up again and keep moving.
There is light. Even if you can't see it yet.
There is hope. Even if you can't find it.
There is love. Even if you can't feel it.
Work on finding your voice by becoming calm and listening to your emotions and inner nudges. Learn to trust yourself by recognizing that only you know what is true and best for you. Realize your worth by recognizing your intrinsic worth as a unique person with an abundance of admirable qualities.
Care more about approving yourself than waiting for others to approve you. Own your life and take responsibility for your well-being and happiness. Nobody can do this for you.
Find out how to forgive yourself for the mistakes you will inevitably make. Learn to love yourself more than anyone could ever love you.
Accept yourself – the good, the bad and the ugly. Then set out to change the ugly as best you can.
I did that. This is the hard work that transformation brings.
I made a phenomenal discovery …
ME !!
What a discovery! I have gifts to bring to the world. Gifts that leave this world better than I found it.
When I was younger I didn't like how sensitive I was to the energies around me, how I felt things at the core of my being, and how I was hurt when I saw someone hurt.
Those around me seemed playful and funny, but I could see the pain in them. Life didn't feel playful and fun to me. It felt serious. The people hurt. Why did no one notice it but me?
I hurt myself. Why didn't anyone notice?
I have drawn myself to the harder side of life and fully identified with the suffering around me.
I wanted to be something other than what I was.
I now understand these characteristics as empathy and intuition. Two things that the world desperately needs.
I have learned to trust these properties. They took me down a street that I could never have imagined. I now have a thriving counseling practice helping others heal. I can watch them discover their gifts. Better than that, I can see them transition from hating who they are to loving and hugging for who they are.
Then they go out and find ways to help others do the same.
But this story is not just about me. It's about you too.
There is nothing wrong with you. You are amazing and beautiful the way you are. Including mistakes and imperfections.
Don't change yourself for a world that wants to tell you who you are.
You tell the world who you are. Let's change this place together and allow differences to be the norm because our beauty lies in our diversity.
I invite you to embark on the journey inward towards self-discovery. Then bring what you've learned and share it.
Bring who you are and let's change this world one by one.
About Sandra Cooper
Sandra Cooper is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Delaware. She has a BS in Nursing which was her first career. While practicing as a hospice nurse, she found her true calling and returned to school to do her MS in pastoral care. Sandra now brings her personal experiences to her practice after spending her life resolving her own trauma. She thrives on helping others become their best selves while learning to accept their whole selves. Sandra recently published her first book, Trauma to Triumph: Lessons Learned Along the Way.
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