“Quiet the voice that tells you to do more and be more, and trust that in this moment it is enough who you are, where you are and what you are doing. You will get to where you need to be in your own time. Until then, breathe. Breathe and be patient with yourself and your process. You are doing your best to manage and survive in your struggles and that is all you can ask of yourself. It's enough. You are enough. "~ Daniell Koepke
I feel a bit like Frodo Baggins. I'm on this tireless, seemingly endless journey, just like him. Only I don't have a ring to destroy. I have searched for the elusive answer to kill my inner demons and become the best version of myself. And I am tired.
The best way to describe this insatiable desire for improvement is an itch that I can't quite scratch. I can't remember the number of times I've walked down the Google rabbit hole and spent hours reading blogs and articles, as well as Instagram posts. Just one more and I'll stop. Okay, just one more!
I realized that the reason I am so obsessed with the idea of working on myself is because of my past. It always goes back to the past.
I was bullied at school. I was molested at home. As I got older, I fought over every mistake. I told myself it was my fault that I wasn't being kind. All of these experiences taught me that who I was as a person was somehow wrong.
It took me years to discover self-help. As far as I remember, it started with mental health blogs. I would find as many as I could and enjoy reading them, even though they all contained essentially the same information.
I've joined Facebook groups about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, Child Abuse, and Compulsive Skin Pecking. I thought, "Cool, now I have so many new tips to try out!" until I finally left each group because of the overwhelming number of posts.
When I was still using Instagram, I only followed mental health accounts. I've been bombarded with influencers and therapists sharing their expertise on how to change your life. I ate it up, but I was also afraid that if I didn't freshen my food every five seconds, I would miss out on life changing advice that could heal my trauma.
I have read self-help books. I've been listening to podcasts. I was watching YouTube videos. But it wasn't until I started counseling that I realized I had a problem.
I realized that the all consuming need to "fix" myself made me feel like trash, which is ironic if you ask me. Self-help books are meant to help us, but these books, along with the blogs and Instagram posts, made me feel like I had to change who I was to be good enough.
Although I still sometimes slip into this old, comfortable habit that is the self-help rabbit hole, I am becoming increasingly aware of the negative effects this habit has on me. I keep discovering new things on this journey.
The self-help industry is following us – or some people in the industry, I should say. (Of course I still enjoy some self-help pages, otherwise I wouldn't share this post here!)
I feel that reading so many self-help books caused problems that I didn't even know I had, and that I felt worse. So it has become a billion dollar industry. The more problems we have, the more information and help we need. I recommend creating a little balance with consuming self-help materials. Sometimes just focus on reading for pleasure. It feels really good.
And try to take your self-help intentions into account. If you want to heal old wounds and work on the problems that are holding you back, self-help can help. If you believe that you are fundamentally flawed, it will not be.
We have to realize that we are enough for who we are and that we don't have to prove our worth by doing more things or becoming this or that.
Trauma can create distrust of ourselves and our ability to decide what is best for us. We often look to others for all the answers to make us feel better. It can be very hard to trust yourself, but think about it. Why would anyone else know what's best for us if they haven't walked in our shoes? We have to learn to be your own guide.
Self-help can make us feel like failures. There are so many products that claim to have the secrets to learning how to live our best lives, lose fifty pounds, fall in love, get rich, stop being depressed and finally overcome the past. This is a great pressure on ourselves to live the ideal version of someone else's life.
The most important thing I've learned is that it's okay to stop the constant pursuit of more. That it is okay to stop looking for answers to all of our problems and just live.
For so long I have searched for the path that will heal me, that will make me feel worthy and whole, and this is the root of my obsession with self-improvement. I can learn to just breathe and relax in the moment. I can just be without the noise of others telling me how to be. And you can too.
About Tina Blacksmith
Tina Blacksmith is an animal lover and mental health advocate. She loves to write, go outside, and explore the beauty that Oregon has to offer. She blogs at Not Defined by My Past.
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