"The key is to learn how to live a healthy, satisfying and peaceful life without being dependent on another person in order to be happy." ~ Robin Norwood
When it comes to relationships, people can call you "crazy" and "needy" whatever they want. I can only guess that some people don't know how crazy it feels when every cell in your body feels like the only way to breathe is to stop that person you wish from, you now to leave.
You may not notice when the emotions hijack your mind and body, but subconsciously your only task at this moment is to keep history from repeating itself by keeping this person close. And so do and say everything you can to try to control the situation: incessant texting, asking questions, crying, thinking over, overjoyed, talking on the phone, and the list goes on.
Of course, in most cases this person cannot leave you because he was neither physically nor emotionally with you. Either way, once you get the slightest hint of rejection and abandonment, you experience what I call "the emotional takeover."
Well, not for a second do I defend the unhealthy behaviors you are having right now, but I understand them.
Because it was me. I used to feel so insecure when I felt that my relationship was the slightest threat, and I was busy "fixing" the situation in every possible way. It was exhausting, disturbing, and utterly disturbing.
I know that you are not crazy because who you are in these times is not you. You must know that you have not yet learned to break free from this toxic pattern, to move away from people, that are not good for you; or the art of calming yourself, but you are not.
Unfortunately, you might not notice that because you probably don't know who you really are. You withdrew from the fear of being abandoned.
If you are referring to this, it is very likely that, like me, you fall into the attachment style which is "fearful attachment".
We tend to experience fearful attachment when we had inconsistent love as a child. It is likely that your relationship with your caregivers was unpredictable. As an adult, you have difficulty feeling safe in relationships and you may find yourself having a need to be wanted and intense feelings of fear and jealousy when you feel this being taken away from you.
To prevent people from leaving you, even the wrong ones, your internal blueprint is designed so that others come first, accept their feelings as your own, prioritize what they want and need to " repair ”to mother them and do what must be done to never be abandoned.
I can honestly tell you that the science of adult attachment styles has changed my life. Not only does everything make more sense to me now, I now understand that my perception of love was completely distorted.
For those anxiously attached it is difficult to know what love is. You probably don't have much experience with stability in love, especially from those you have wanted the most.
It is probably fair to say that you experienced intense feelings that you believed were true love. You may even have felt this in and fixated on one person, or you may have felt this in different people many times in your life. There is always a question mark about it, however, because deep down you know love hurts and / or is not reciprocated.
This is often what makes this attachment style so difficult: the excruciating moments when you know you are being treated badly, the times when you are in the wrong relationship, and the lack of Belief you could ever leave
What makes it even more difficult is how adept you are at pushing back this truth and convincing yourself that this person loves you back and if you just work harder it will eventually become the right relationship.
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Often the anxiously adherent are attracted to the avoidance means (hot and cold, suddenly not interested, give crumbs), and this makes an incredibly difficult time. It's not a match made in heaven because you have very different intimacy needs, and to your dismay, you can't change how they feel about you or your love.
Trust me I know how much it hurts to hear, but it's best if you hear it before you meet the next one, or the same one comes back (again).
I have come across many others with the same attachment style as me, all with a very distorted view of what love is, and I can't help but notice how much we love love.
We love it so much we think we are not worthy without it. Without it we cannot be happy.
Therefore, you settle for people who do not meet your needs or chase after the person who does not see you or who never takes the time to be alone.
As impossible as it sometimes may be, I can tell you with absolute certainty that you can break free of this pattern.
I'm not saying that I am perfect and that from time to time I don't feel any feelings or drop the ball, but I now know how to deal with the intense emotions of how to recognize the unavailable man in front of me I am in too deep and know how to live life as safely as possible (note: secure attachment is considered a healthy style).
You are no different from me; You too can use the mindset of the safe attachment style to be happy alone, to invite into lasting love or, if possible, to save your relationship.
Below you will find the seven most important tips that have helped me to become happy within myself and more secure in my relationships:
1. Try to resist overthinking.
When you are insecure about love, one pattern we share in common is rethinking. Think about the potential of the person you & # 39; love & # 39 ;, rethink why it ended, rethink why they didn't text you, rethink why they canceled you, rethink their latest Instagram post, reconsider how to get them back, reconsider what they are really feeling … considered.
Your brain feels threatened and you try to think of every single reason this might happen and every single solution to solve it. But it's an impossible job because at the moment there is nothing to find out. Remind yourself that instead of wasting your precious time looking for degrees or answers that don't exist, the stories you make up add to your stress levels and are as much real as possible.
2. Beware of chemistry.
Do you know when you are with someone and you have this rush of love and excitement even though you barely know them or they treat you badly? This feeling is not love.
You feel this feeling as love, but it is not love. It's the rush of an activated attachment system, the feeling of familiarity. Have you met this person before? You have had in many of your other relationships from childhood until today.
It is your job to rewire your paths to see that this feeling is not love. That "chemistry" you are feeling must instead become your warning signal that this may be the kind of person you need to withdraw from.
3. Give up the love you want most.
This is usually a parent's love. No matter how many of these people you attract, they will never be the love you want most. I know this is sad, but I cannot gloss over it for you (us). I'm not saying miracles don't happen, but I just think that you have so much potential in this life and that the pursuit of love and approval is holding you back.
We all know how parents and caregivers should love, but it is just true that not everyone is able or knows to do so. Rather than trying to fix the past or change your experience of love, you'd better spend your time finding a more realistic and secure view of love. You cannot change your past, but you can influence your future.
4. Choose yourself.
If you've ever felt that one or both of your parents didn't choose you, you may have a mission to choose now.
Do you ever feel like you are second best after the person you want? That attracts you. On a subconscious level, you have found a person with whom you can continue your struggle to be selected.
Deep down, well beyond any conscious level, you believe that if you can get this person to choose you, it will undo the abandonment that brought you here in the first place.
As a child I wanted to be caught for drugs. As an adult, I found people who were "too busy" with work, exercise and / or drinking. I spent my time getting them to choose me because I thought I needed this to prove my worth.
Learning to choose myself and stop looking for this external validation meant that I could live my life safely and not be content with someone who had a very different value system than me.
5. Master the art of emotional intelligence.
Here's the thing, those with fearful attachment styles have a very unique ability to notice when there is a slight shift or indication that the relationship is threatened. As soon as this is noticed you will be triggered, the old familiar feelings take over your whole being and your only mission is to do everything possible to save this relationship.
You need to understand that the emotion you are feeling is simply a stored memory from your past. This is your physical response to abandonment.
Take the time to determine where you are feeling it in your body and what is happening to you physically, and identify the emotions that you feel during these times. These symptoms should become your biggest red flags that your anxious attachment system is activated, and it is time to calm down, just as you would with a child who feels overwhelmed by their mother in the kitchen for five minutes has gone.
6. Own your needs.
It is time to be clear about your own needs, for I have news for you, your needs also count.
Life is not comfortable for anyone who goes through it without his own needs being met.
So get to work and write down what needs you have in your relationships.
This exercise not only shows your subconscious that you actually have needs, but also increases the likelihood that you will admit it to yourself when they are not met – so if you are back in the unhealthy pattern it will be more difficult lying to yourself about what that person is bringing on the table and how real that relationship really is.
You become less likely to stay in the situation if you work on this type of conscious level and understanding.
7. Create something bigger for yourself.
I call it "After your fire". Knowing it or not, you have a purpose, you have desires, and you have unique gifts to bring into this world.
When it comes to experiencing a real level of satisfaction and being able to walk away from crumbs, the biggest step I've ever taken has been figuring out what makes me shine as an individual.
I have created a life that is important to me. I cultivated the right relationships, found the activities that I really enjoy at the soul level, and followed my deepest dreams that I otherwise buried. While I wish for healthy love, I know for sure that my life is far more. It makes it so much easier to walk away from what doesn't serve me.
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Once you start practicing the tips above, you probably won't see immediate progress, but every now and then you will experience monumental moments where you will see your growth and give yourself a high five.
As you learn your attachment style and build a life that you love, your confidence and self-worth grow, and you are at a point where you don't sacrifice your happiness for a person who doesn't see yours Worth not.
You will decide that being single is nowhere near as bad as the fear that comes from the unhealthy relationships you are used to. The fear of spending your life with someone who can't meet your needs becomes more scary than being single.
We may always be anxiously connected, but we can learn to lead a safe life. What are you waiting for?
About Carly Ann
Carly Ann is a relationship and self-esteem coach and helps women to free themselves from loneliness, insecurity and toxic relationship patterns. You can learn more about Carly Ann by following her on Instagram: @ carly.ann_ and visiting www.carly-ann.co.uk.
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