"If we are too involved in the hustle and bustle of the world, we lose touch with one another – and with ourselves." ~ Jack Kornfield
The quality of our relationships has a massive influence on our happiness and well-being.
Maintaining our relationships takes time, attention and effort. But it is all too easy to get distracted and complacent and no longer appreciate and really connect with those who are closest to us. Often times, we just feel too busy to focus on how to improve the situation. Life seems to get in the way.
Like everyone else, I have seen many ups and downs in my relationships, and I know only too well how stressful and frustrating these "down" times can be. I always focused on what was "wrong" in my relationships, which led to more dissatisfaction, until I could only see the problems and not the people.
In the past I have thought about the "wrong" things that my loved ones have said or done.
As a result, small things like forgetting to call me to say they are late or not doing the dishes after I've cooked dinner can easily become bigger problems. I forgot about the loving and caring things they did and instead focused on my disappointment and anger.
It is difficult to feel this way when you love someone because it affects the intimacy and joy in the relationship. And if it lasts long enough, it can break the relationship altogether.
Relationships change over time, of course, and problems arise, but that doesn't mean they have to change for the worse. Regardless of what we think is "wrong" or what is missing in our relationships, we can improve our connections relatively quickly and easily.
I discovered that all it takes is a change of mindset.
What we focus on expands
When we complain and criticize our loved ones, we can only see their faults. Little things that may never have bothered us can become more and more annoying. This can lead to snowballs, leaving you with increasingly annoying habits.
The truth is that our growing dissatisfaction with loved ones has a lot to do with what we focus our attention on and how we experience what we see and perceive.
Everyone can get really irritating if we just focus on their perceived flaws and annoying habits and give them our energy on a regular basis. What we focus on grows. What we think expands – the good and the bad. And that focus can keep us from becoming aware of other things that are going on around us.
When our brain is busy with one thing, its ability to pay attention to something else can be blocked. In the early days of a romantic relationship, we often focus on the wonder of our new partner. We don't see the less wonderful traits that could annoy us months later. Of course, this tendency also works in reverse.
To improve our relationships we need to shift our focus and adopt mindfulness.
Before describing the mindfulness activity, I need to make it clear that the activity relates to changing your perspective on the little habits or behaviors that your loved one may be driving crazy, or the feeling of your relationship is in the rut.
However, if your partner or loved one is threatening or unsafe for you, if they are abusing or bullying you in any way, you should leave.
It is also important to note that you should also continue if the behavior of your loved one has changed drastically in the course of your relationship, for example from being charming to being controlling.
You have been led to believe that you are completely different from what you actually are – no change in focus can change that.
The simple mindfulness activity
First take a pen and a notebook and find a quiet place to sit.
First, write down at least ten things for which you are grateful in your life.
Gratitude is a great way to focus on the positive, lift your spirits, and generally feel more loving. Count your blessings instead of focusing on problems.
Now think back to the time when you felt closest to your loved one. Really focus on those feelings of love and write down what it felt like to be in this moment.
Next, write down all the things you liked and valued about your then-beloved – including all of her good qualities.
Before going to bed at night, add at least three more items to the list that show what you liked about your loved one today.
These can be simple things such as: He made me a cup of coffee after dinner; she told me a funny joke that made me laugh; he helped me dry the dishes; she complimented me on my new shirt.
Read the list when you wake up in the morning.
Add at least three new positive items to the list each day for the next thirty days and read them first thing in the morning. You can add other items to your general gratitude list as well, if you want.
When I first tried this activity, I was amazed at how many blessings I had and how much I was grateful, including my connections with loved ones. My feelings of love and appreciation for her grew a lot and I felt better about myself too. Writing everything down helped me clear out a lot of spiritual junk and see more clearly the richness of my life and relationships.
Why the activity works
In summary, what you focus on expands and becomes more active in your head.
From day one, your attention will shift and, as a result, it will be easier for you to access these positive thoughts. It will help you see your loved ones in a new light, and instead of focusing on their irritating habits, you will choose to turn your attention to their good qualities instead.
These thoughts become more active in your mind and since our thoughts influence our feelings, they will make you feel more loving. And the more you show your appreciation for your loved one, the more you get in return.
They will be more appreciative and loving towards you. You will get back more of what you value about them, be it their thoughtfulness, humor, or hugs. With this attitude, problems go away or resolve on their own much more easily. I discovered that many of the "problems" in my relationship were due to my brooding and negativity.
It is important to know what you are thinking about and where you use your energy every day. Carrying around a mind full of discomfort, stress, and resentment wears out, while positive loving thoughts make you feel lighter and more connected.
And this positive mental attitude gives you more energy and clarity to deal with any problems that arise in your relationships and in your life in general. You will see options and solutions that due to your negativity you haven't seen.
If you are dissatisfied with your relationship, there are a few other things to keep in mind:
Unrealistic expectations of others
Do you expect too much from certain people in your life who are ultimately fallible like everyone else?
I'm not referring to settling for less, or accepting bad behavior or disrespect, but the kind of expectations that are difficult for just about anyone to meet. (I have certainly been guilty of unhealed emotional wounds in the past. Instead of working to heal myself, I expected my loved ones to do the job.)
We all have annoying habits – are yours really that bad? Are your standards unrealistically high, and if so, what does that say about your beliefs about relationships? Is perfectionism something that you strive for in yourself and that you also expect from others? Do you find it difficult to accept the mistakes of others as well as your own?
Fairy tales, Hollywood films, social media and certain magazines have a lot to answer for when it comes to developing unrealistic expectations of a "perfect" life and a "perfect" relationship. These unrealistic expectations lead to great disappointment and excitement, and can be one of the greatest threats to relationships.
No person or relationship is perfect. We are doing our partner and ourselves a disservice if we expect them to be mind readers, understand all of our emotions, always be passionate and romantic, and make us happy all the time. Such pressures can be unbearable.
In the past, I expected loved ones to be able to alleviate my hurt feelings or dissatisfaction without being told why I was feeling angry. It was like I expected them to have a superpower that I didn't own!
Good relationships require communication, patience and compromise. And there will always be ups and downs, good times and bad, conflicts and problems – that's life.
The first sign of a problem does not mean that the relationship is no longer “good”, just that it needs some attention and help.
We have to remember that we are all imperfect people trying to do our best.
Feeling incomplete
Do you expect your partner – and his love – to complete you? Do you feel incomplete, especially when you are not in a relationship?
In the early stages of a romantic relationship, partners tend to put each other on a pedestal and see only the best in each other. It allows us to feel whole and complete and like we are the best version of ourselves. It can be an exhilarating time.
But once the relationship has evolved into something more permanent, these feelings of completeness can fade and make us dissatisfied with life and our partner.
The thing is, the most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. And when you don't love yourself, your ability to truly love others is impaired.
Self-love has nothing to do with arrogance or imagination, but is about healthy self-respect, self-acceptance and self-care. You feel completely like you are; you don't need a relationship or anything else to make you feel whole.
When we enter into a relationship that feels completely and safe within ourselves, we are not looking for a partner who completes us. Instead, we connect with our partner in a more fulfilling, authentic, mature, and emotionally connected way.
Self-love is never selfish; it is essential to successful relationships.
Optimist or pessimist?
Are you a half full or half empty person?
When you are pessimistic you may be more inclined to focus on what is "wrong" or missing in your relationship than on the good things.
Negativity and positivity are habits that we often acquire in childhood due to the attitudes and attitudes of our families.
I grew up in a household with half-empty people, so it seemed inevitable that I would adopt this attitude too. As I got older, I realized that I didn't want to live a life where negativity was my usual way of relating to the world. I saw that I had a choice: I could go for the good positivity habit instead.
We all choose what to focus on – you have a choice where to put your focus. Life is usually much more comfortable when we focus on the positives rather than the negatives.
Nobody but you can make you happy
We often look for happiness outside of ourselves and expect other people to make us happy.
As mentioned earlier, the quality of our relationships and our role in them has a huge impact on our well-being, but the truth is the only person who can make you happy is you. Happiness is in you, nowhere else. It's not "out there".
This can be a wonderful and empowering revelation. Nobody and nobody has power or control over your happiness. It's all in you You are not responsible for the happiness of others and they are not responsible for your happiness.
What you are responsible for is your half of the relationship and you should treat your partner with love and respect, but ultimately you cannot make your partner happy. That is their job.
I hope you will follow the simple mindfulness activity for 30 days – if you do, you will soon feel the benefits.
As we devote our time and attention to our relationships, we show our loved ones how important they are to us, and we create deeper and more loving bonds with them.
About KJ Hutchings
KJ Hutchings is a fiction and self-help writer and artist. Visit their website kjhutchings.com to get 25% off all artwork in their online store, as well as free fiction and digital art. You can also find them on Facebook and Twitter.
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