“Imagine a pattern of upright dominoes that are just far enough apart to highlight the gap between them, but just so close that they meet when one of them tips over. Hit a single domino and it triggers a chain reaction. Our own actions, reactions and counter-reactions, criticism and defense reactions often work like dominoes. When we are unable to access our mindfulness, reactivity takes over. "~ Alicia Muñoz, psychotherapist and author, from Mindful Loving
Before my husband and I were married, he lived in New Zealand and I lived in the United States. One way to manage the distance was to make cassettes that we mailed.
Sometimes we shared daily news, personal information, and future dreams. Occasionally, in the middle of the night, the messages were passionate and deeply private – as only 3 o'clock messages can be gripped by longing and space.
One day I had a client who was interested in the teachings of a meditation teacher I know and offered to take a session from the teacher's workshop. I took an empty tape from a nearby basket, dubbed one of the sessions with my recorder and passed the tape on to her.
A few days later, she asked if she could come to my office for a moment. When she arrived, she felt uncomfortable and nervous when she returned the tape to me.
"Uh, I – I don't think you meant that for me," she stammered. Then suddenly she left my office.
My heart caught. I knew what band it was before I even listened to it. It was a recording that was so steamy that I hadn't even sent it to Tim. Somehow the tape found its way into the trash instead of being thoroughly deleted or thrown away.
I cannot find any words to describe my feelings. Crushing embarrassment shot through my body. When I got home I threw myself on the couch and lay paralyzed in shock for ten minutes.
"How could you be so careless?" I insulted myself. It felt like my career ended. As my shame and self-discipline increased, my ability to see my options collapsed. I started thinking about moving to another city.
Suddenly I remembered a stress management training session that I had recently attended. It had recommended pausing long enough to breathe slowly and deeply when we felt overwhelmed and then did something else.
I made my leaden legs stand up and set the goal of touching an oak tree in the back yard before going back to the couch. I got up with difficulty and went outside. When I reached my destination and touched it gently, I noticed a heron sitting in a nearby tree and looking at my fish pond with sinister interest. I took action and chased it away by shouting at it.
When I returned to the couch, I was breathing normally. Although I was still embarrassed, the strength of my feelings had changed from ten to three. I started to see that I would not die of embarrassment and that my client would also recover from her shock. Pausing long enough to do something else stopped the chain reaction of the domino effect.
This is the biology of what happened. We all have a nervous system that works outside of our consciousness and is called the parasympathetic nervous system. It is activated when we are at rest and not in need.
In our normal, conscious life, the lights are on the front of our brain where the frontal lobe is located, and we make decisions that are reasonable, responsible, and rational. Our hearts beat normally and we usually eat when we are hungry and rest when we are tired.
When we are desperate as I was when my client returned the tape, our brain shifts gears and mobilizes the sympathetic nervous system, causing the "lights to go out" in the frontal lobe and the "lights to go out" on the Back of our brain where the amygdala (the 9-1-1 center of the brain) is located. So we're responding from another center, the system that tells us we're in danger, ashamed, or exposed to some other threat.
Our heart beats faster, our blood circulation slows down and our body reacts as if we were being attacked – even if the attack, as for me, comes from our own thoughts. Some of us don't eat, others eat more than they need, some fall asleep and others stay awake with tingling limbs and raging thoughts.
None of this is fun for anyone. The good news is that if we can remember to pause for a moment, it is completely repairable. Working with our breath and moving our bodies – for example, touching a tree like me – assures the body that the danger is gone and the lights on the front of the brain can light up again.
My story recalls the importance of managing our own internal responses before we can respond to a situation in a healthy, productive, and sensible manner. Taking a moment, a breath or a stretch helps us to balance ourselves in the face of stressful interactions. We can think smartly about what to do next instead of acting out of panic and reactivity. I call this ability the break.
Four Little Steps to Stop and Balance
1. Notice if your body is tense and stressed. Accept your reaction without judging it as wrong. Take a few deep breaths to slow yourself down. Tense and relax the muscles in your limbs.
2. Do something to return to your body. Go for a walk, run or do some other kind of exercise. Touch a tree and drive away a heron like me. Showering, chewing ice cubes or smelling lavender.
3. Do something that soothes the mind. Listen to a soothing piece of music. Say a prayer, practice a mantra, or recite a poem.
4. Note again what is going on in your body. It will probably feel different now.
Perhaps you have already taken this up, but practicing the break is inseparable from practicing mindfulness. Stopping includes observing your emotions and recognizing your mind's desire to respond from its fear center, and redirecting the mind's attention to more beneficial physical rituals such as breathing and moving.
During spiritual retreats, it is customary to ring a bell all day long at unexpected times. People are asked to stop what they are doing for a moment when the bell rings – they have to stop folding clothes, put down their forks or take a break from their conversations – and turn inside. This develops the practice of becoming quiet enough to breathe and engage with our wise and centered self instead of giving in to our first reaction to what is going on in the outside world.
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Based on the book Love Skills. Copyright © 2020 by Linda Carroll. Printed with permission from the New World Library
About Linda Carroll
Linda Carroll is the author of Love Skills and Love Cycles. While she has worked as a therapist and couple coach for over three decades, earning numerous certificates and degrees, she says that her own thirty-five-year marriage is the primary source of her knowledge when it comes to the cycles of love. Visit her online at lindaacarroll.com or lindacarrollofficial on Instagram.
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