“If someone doesn't want me, it's not the end of the world. But if I don't want myself, the world is nothing but an end. "~ Nayyirah Waheed
Rejection means a lot of things to many different people. For health professionals, this can mean immunological incompatibility if a body does not accept transplanted tissue or organ. For a couple looking to adopt, a rejection letter can be daunting and devastating news. For a writer, disapproval can be if you take your precious work that you've enslaved to a publisher and learn that it didn't quite make the cut.
I struggle with rejection and am no stranger. I've been turned down for numerous jobs, I've lost scholarships, friends fired me, and guys tell me they don't like me. It is impossible to be a person in this world and not experience rejection.
The most difficult form of rejection for me is social rejection. It hurts a lot more than any other form of rejection because it feels like definitive evidence that something is undoubtedly wrong with me. Something is wrong with me and that was just confirmed by someone else. All the doubt and shame floating around in my brain are finally becoming real.
They only invited you to the party because they felt sorry for you. You are not cool enough to date this person. Your friends only tolerate you. Who do you Think You Are? You had to find out at some point.
This fear of rejection caused more consequences for me than the actual act of rejection. This often happens in life because of the fear that something is stronger and more powerful than what we are actually afraid of.
It is the fear of going to the dentist that leads to sleepless nights and panic attacks. When you get there you find that it takes 30 minutes and all you need is a routine cleaning.
It lies in bed at night and goes through possible catastrophic scenarios of your public speech or work presentation, which creates a spiral of panic and fear.
Avoiding going to parties, appointments, and events because you'd rather avoid risk, even if it means missing out on the rewards.
It is well known that the age of thirteen is one of the worst parts of life for most of us. You feel uncomfortable in your body, your self-esteem is lower than ever and you feel misunderstood by the world, especially your parents.
When I was thirteen my family decided to move north to a small beach town and I started a new school. It was a Christian school that had a brilliant reputation. I had of course expected that it would be full of loving and kind Christian children who would welcome me with open arms. This was not the case.
Thirteen year old boys are cruel. They immediately heard my Canadian accent and kept mocking me for it. Growing up, girls are told that if boys are mean to you, it is because they like you. With this mentality, it's not surprising that so many women choose to stick with men who treat them like trash. I'm not sure if these guys had a crush on me or they just saw a clumsy ginger girl who was very out of place and decided to pounce.
On the other hand, the girls had already founded friendship groups and did not want to expand, especially not to a girl who did not fit their Christian image as a cookie cutter.
Aside from my very obvious physical differences, I also had very different views on the children and teachers at the school. I grew up in a Christian family, but I was still allowed to make my own decisions about problems in the world.
As a lost thirteen year old who felt very disconnected and confused, I was drawn to the world of feminism and social justice. Sexism and misogyny made me angry, and I found an online community of other women who weren't afraid to tell their truth and question the status quo. It became my whole world because I didn't have anything else to subscribe to.
I was spoken out about my beliefs. I was a proud feminist, I voted for and I supported LGBT rights. All of these things were totally taboo and blasphemous in the school I went to. I was immediately seen as the "bad egg" which further banished me from the rest of the school.
My only friend was Emma, my only one who shone light in a sea of hostility and judgment. We were kindred spirits and we felt like we were against the world. Because of our proximity, there were rumors that we were lesbians (the worst sin that could be committed in a Christian school). I remember one kid who refused to share their meal with me because I was gay and another kid who spat on me during P.E. class.
This was the first time in my life that I experienced loud and clear social rejection. Of course, I had experienced exclusion and rejection before, but never so extreme and none with the clear message: “You are wrong. You don't belong here. "
And at this vulnerable age, when I was already struggling deeply with self-esteem, fear and disorientation in teenagers, it had a devastating effect on me.
I was scared of going to school, I spent lunch alone in a bathroom and was close to tears all the time. I didn't even feel that the teachers accepted or even "saw" me. Even the school counselors felt insecure; I knew they had ulterior motives and would never really understand what I was going through.
I only spent a year and a half at this terrible school and finally gained the courage and motivation to go outside after some very valuable counseling sessions. I moved schools to a public high school that sounded rougher around the edges on paper, but I've really had success there.
My grades rose, I took on extracurricular activities, I became a prefect, I won prizes and scholarships. I made lifelong friends who accepted me and teachers who became mentors and saw the value and potential in me. I finished my studies with joy and triumph.
Even though I had such terrible experiences at the Christian school, I made a change and things got better. It was an affirmation that life can be good, and it wasn't all loss and rejection.
The thing is, even if we feel like we are deviating from painful experiences, they can still be triggered in our daily life and in our interactions. We can be immediately brought back to these vulnerable and deepest points in our lives, and our behaviors and thoughts can still be products of that time.
Although my school experience had a happy ending, I now realize that I am very afraid of rejection. I still have a fear inside of me that something is wrong with me and when people find out they will leave me. This is only highlighted by this clearly false belief that my suffering and pain are unique and that everyone else in the world seems to have found out.
Even though I know this is logically wrong because I'm on my own mind, it feels so much more believable and real. Social media, especially Instagram, is known for this. Humans can project any image they want into the world. They show the high point of their lives, the best of the best. They show how much fun they are having, how many friends they have and how happy they are. How can you not be fooled by this?
I know that we are all imperfect. We all have insecurities, fears and shame. Brené Brown says, “Everyone has a story that will break your heart. And if you're really careful, most people have a story that will bring you to your knees. "When I am at my lowest I am so preoccupied with my all-encompassing suffering that I disconnect from the rest of the world.
I forget that our pain and suffering is actually a connective tissue between us all. Fear of rejection isn't a unique phenomenon I've just discovered. It is an ancient problem that plagues so many of us. It prevents us from taking risks, being vulnerable, and indulging in our creative passions.
I notice this fear of rejection that creeps into so many areas of my life. I became more of an "idea" of a person than a real person. I put up barriers so that people can't see who you really are. I notice how I embellish the cool aspects of my life and personality when I'm together for the first time, and while we all naturally do that on a first date, I know it comes from fear of rejection.
If someone takes longer to answer me than normal, or if their tone changes when they text me, I interpret this as a sign that they are no longer interested or hates me. We all see memes about it on Instagram, no doubt a coping mechanism, but it can be really debilitating.
The sign of a resilient person, whose self-esteem comes from within rather than without, is that it doesn't break you even when rejected. You have enough self-esteem to know that rejection doesn't define you, if anything, it makes you stronger. If you're not invited to a party, if your friends don't invite you, if your Tinder date makes you ghostly, you are still you.
My favorite actress / comedian Jenny Slate said in an interview about the constant drawing and redrawing of the picture who you want to be: “You have to be supple. Any shape that you're bent into, whether you're doing it to yourself or getting blown by the wind or someone walks in and breaks you in half, is still you. Neither version of me is permanent, but sometimes these bad parts try to get me deceive that they are permanent. "
I will never be able to control my life and my mind. There will be people who will write me off before they even bother to get to know me. There will be people who will treat me like shit just because they can. There will be many moments that I could take as evidence that something is wrong with me. But now I know it's not true.
I will always be myself and I can choose whether I want to treat rejection as a death sentence or as a form of new life.
About Alana McConnell
Alana has recently reached her early twenties and has navigated the ups and downs of life by writing. For them, writing is a way of dealing with difficult topics and problems and connecting with others.
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