“You don't need someone's affection or approval to be good enough. If someone rejects or gives you up or judges you, it is not really about you. It's about them and their own uncertainties, constraints, and needs, and you don't have to internalize that. Your value doesn't depend on whether other people accept you – it's something of your own. "~ Danielle Koepke
Imagine that you are in your early thirties, enjoy working in a company you love, and you have just been promoted (without lobbying) to live a great life.
Suddenly you get bombarded with negative feedback from your manager. Although you have previously been recommended how to demonstrate accountability, maximize relationships, and a host of other “leadership dimensions,” there is now no area in which you are strong, and everything you do is not considered good enough. They are devastated, amazed, confused, hurt, embarrassed, lost, scared, and basically frozen with fear.
That was me in 2007. At the time, I was in various functions for this large company for nine years and was steadily climbing the career ladder. I started with them immediately; I actually grew up there.
I remember being so happy and proud when the job offer came. My excitement and enthusiasm for going to work every day was a bit crazy. I got up early every day and bubbled with energy because I couldn't wait to get there.
My family was impressed when I got a job with this company. It was the first thing they told people who asked about me. I have always identified myself primarily as a team member in this company. It was who I was at my core.
I initially started in a role that focused more on data, analysis, and inventory planning, and stayed focused for seven years. This was in good agreement with my analytical and logical thinking. It was only when I tried project management and taught others how to lead projects that it became easier for me to concentrate on the human aspect.
I remember being so scared when I decided to diversify my skills and make that change, but I was proud to have had the courage to take the chance.
Although the nerves in the role of coach were initially overwhelming, I really enjoyed working with a wide range of people, from analysts to directors. I was someone they turned to for help, guidance, and advice. I started to feel more and more comfortable and was finally told that I was going to be promoted.
Shortly after the promotion, things suddenly went downhill. I was constantly asked what I would do to change and how I take my chances. Nothing I did was right or good. It was such a sudden change that I became very confused, scared and doubtful.
It was devastating to hear that I was no longer good enough for this company that I grew up in, that I loved, and that I identified with. I started to believe that I was not good enough in any aspect of my life and became depressed. I was constantly worried and afraid to do anything if I made another mistake that was pointed out or that would somehow endanger my job. I was literally afraid that the whole world would be taken away from me.
I used my fellow human beings to try to understand and overcome this. My friends at work would try to convince me that I'm not bad at all things and that I'm doing a good job. You could see what impact this criticism and negative feedback had on me. I worked with my HR partner to develop a plan for how to solve all of these sudden performance problems.
I was so bad that I realized that I needed professional help and I started seeing a therapist. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't sleep, I even got panic attacks.
Back then I was taking anxiety medication and something that would help me sleep. As I started to feel numb from the emotional stress, I also increased at an alarming rate. I gained thirty-five pounds in just two months. Now I was not only worthless because I couldn't do my job, but my health was really starting to suffer.
This was one of the deepest points in my life. The company that I grew up in, that I loved and that I had tied my identity to was now the greatest source of pain. Sure, over the years I had imagined a different life, one in which I was not tied to a desk, staring at gray closet walls and trying to fit in with the shape of the company, but I kept settling into my role because it was familiar to me, comfortable, and who was I when I wasn't someone working there?
I want to say that this was a moment when I had some kind of revelation, found myself and turned things around completely, but it wasn't quite like that. I survived, rebounded and learned a lot, but it was a slow process. Some of the things I learned came years later.
What follows are some of the lessons from that time in my life.
You determine your own value. Don't let others do it for you.
When I felt so depressed and terrible at that time, I allowed myself to believe what someone else was saying to me about my worth, my skills and my worth. I didn't have enough confidence to know that just because one person thought I wasn't good enough didn't mean I was.
I was still the same person I was before my promotion. When I thought about it, I found that I valued people who liked me and looked for external confirmation to feel good.
I now know that it's okay if people don't like you. People are different and everyone doesn't like the same. So why would you expect everyone to like you? I sometimes have problems with people liking me, but I've learned to trust my own abilities and know what I'm good at.
You don't have to be someone you aren't to fit.
My company was of the opinion that everyone had to have certain characteristics and adapt to their shape, or you were trained in all your “possibilities”. I have experienced this myself and have seen it in many others.
Twice a year we went through reviews and evaluated ourselves according to leadership dimensions. I was repeatedly told that I was too passive and quiet, that I had to be more assertive. I even attended enforcement courses!
I am an INFJ, I am calm and I will always be calm. Since then, I've found a career that allows me to be myself and help people in a way that allows me to feel good. This does not mean that I get external confirmation of my worth, just that I have the confidence to know that I am enough.
Don't be afraid of the unknown or be too scared to get out of your comfort zone.
At that time, my identity was so closely tied to the company that there was too much fear of leaving the company. I didn't know who I was, so leaving this identity felt like I was leaving myself. Even though I was miserable, I didn't feel uncomfortable enough to change anything.
Only years later did I feel good enough to leave this company. I was actively pursuing a consulting career when I was released during her biggest layoff in history. I knew it was going to happen, even planted the seed with my manager, so I wasn't upset and didn't have the feelings some had in this situation.
It is not easy to let go of a role that feels part of your identity, but it is far more difficult to hold onto something that makes you feel unhappy or unfulfilled.
You are not your job.
Even though you spend a lot of time at work like most people, it doesn't mean that you are your job. Your job is only part of your life. There can be so many other facets that have nothing to do with work, such as family, friends, hobbies, volunteering, etc. Cultivate these things so that you can focus on things that are hard at work, give yourself pleasure ,
You have to know yourself.
That was huge for me. Although I was unhappy, I didn't know enough to feel comfortable with my skills or to know what else to do. I couldn't list the things I was good at or liked. I couldn't even think for myself and would reconsider my decisions.
Throughout my life I never really had a plan, I just followed the standard path that everyone followed – high school, college, getting a good job. I never stopped learning who I was. I was the one I thought people were expecting.
At some point I spent some time learning about myself, podcasting, reading books, blogging, etc., dealing with personal development issues, taking online courses, and working with a life coach. I also used a personality test and asked for feedback from those around me.
You have to know yourself to know what brings you joy and satisfaction. And you need to know your values and priorities in order to live a life that is aligned with them.
Sometimes people go through things you have no idea about.
Although I still don't know why my manager seemed to turn against me, I have some theories. I don't think he was basically a mean or bad person. He was someone who was afraid and insecure and decided to use his authority to develop power over me to make him feel better or look better. At some point he broke up with the company and I don't think it was a decision. I have compassion for him because I think he didn't know how to deal with his feelings and he did what he thought was safe.
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Although it took a lot of thinking and thinking to understand the lessons presented, it made me a stronger and more resilient person to get through this very difficult time in my life. When you find that you are stronger than you thought, it gives you the strength to face even bigger challenges.
About Leah Masonick
Leah is a life purpose and career coach. It empowers brave and determined professionals who feel lost, burned out and unfulfilled in their lives and destroy the soul, rediscover themselves and create the freedom to live their purpose in life. Sign up for their free personal Visions workbook and view their coaching programs at leahmasonick.com.
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