"What I'm looking for isn't out there, it's inside of me." ~ Helen Keller
I used to think that life should be easy and if it wasn't easy then I did it wrong.
I am older and wiser now and have learned that when it is difficult, I am probably doing something right.
I had a good childhood. I had a loving family, many opportunities, and I exceeded everything I set out to do. But I was a fearful child and a relentless perfectionist. As I got older, the need to have everything pristine hampered my ability to be happy because I didn't like myself very much.
When I got married, I felt like I had added a notch to my self-esteem belt. As someone who didn't have a lot of self-esteem or love for themselves, it was exactly what I needed to feel validated when someone else loved me, or so I thought.
But that also subsided.
Then I had kids, which was amazing – I love being a mother. But something was still missing. I was happy enough, but I didn't feel alive. There was this little whisper all along that said you are not where you should be.
I felt this urgency to find out how to be happy, but at the same time I didn't. I was lucky enough and there was this fault. I should be happy. I've been so blessed with two beautiful kids, a husband, a beautiful home – you know, the American dream. I'm a terrible, selfish person when I'm not grateful for everything I've been blessed with.
And life was pleasant. It wasn't what I had dreamed of or as beautiful as I had imagined, but everything was "fine". And the comfort of "good" and certainty seemed better than the unknown.
And then it happened.
This whisper turned into a very hard and abrupt push to another track, as if I hadn't understood the hint the first time.
I could have taken it as a punishment for not being one hundred percent happy about where I was, and I think I did it for a while. But now I know it was the universe that tried to tell me something and it stopped whispering.
The universe was yelling out loud at me now.
The lane changer happened the day I discovered that my husband of seventeen had cheated on me with another man.
The life I knew – the life I was happy enough with – instantly disappeared on a hot, sweaty July day.
I did not handle it gracefully. I was a hot mess for months. Most of a couple of years, actually.
But I made it through the other side into my "new track". and i want to share a little bit about what helped me get here and what helped me to be really happy here.
The reason I was so devastated when I was struck by my new lead is because I was clinging to this vision of the life I thought I should live – the life that " normal "was.
I was so attached to something – having a husband, having children, having a home, doing things that are married to children. I could never have imagined my life differently. In fact, imagining my life to be different was scary.
As I got older, my world shrank. My comfort zone got bigger.
When the crisis hit my marriage, I tried to hold onto everything that had just collapsed in front of me. But there was nothing left to hold on to – I was completely unfounded.
This attachment to things was all I had. I didn't have a lot of self-love or "I'm fine on my own" mentality. My identity was "we" with my partner for almost twenty years and I didn't know how to act as "I".
I had taken the small and the big things for granted.
So what helped me to survive that?
Someone asked me this after I felt my life was back on the right track, and after really thinking about it, three things came to me.
Gratitude, mindfulness and self-love.
I am often amazed at how succinctly I was able to summarize these lessons in a few things that were the turning point for me to find myself and my happiness again.
Start with gratitude
Focusing on what we are grateful for is a super simple and powerful tool that is often overlooked. We always have access to gratitude and it's absolutely free. How's that for a deal?
Regularly practicing gratitude has many advantages. Focusing on what you're grateful for has been shown to increase self-esteem, make us less self-centered, improve health, help us sleep better, improve our relationships, and … gratitude makes us happier. Boom!
Remember, gratitude is a practice. The more you cultivate it, the more you will feel it. Stick with it and try these simple ideas:
1. Make a decision to be grateful. Everything starts here.
2. Keep a gratitude journal. Bringing pen on paper (or a gratitude journal app if that's faster) can help you get into the habit of focusing on the good things in your life instead of the less good things. Write down at least three things that you are grateful for every day.
There are other good ways to do this, e.g. For example, every evening something you are grateful for to share at the dining table or keep a gratitude glass in which you write on pieces of paper and what you are grateful for drop in the glass.
3. Create visual reminders of things for which you are grateful. Maybe a vision board? Or just a journal full of pictures that you love. If you're an artist (or you're not!), An art journal can be fun!
4. Think about how you can show your gratitude in everyday life, such as doing something nice for a homeless person because you are grateful to have a roof over your head
5. Think how you can be grateful for the setbacks you have had – it's hard, I know, but I promise you that if you try you can find a silver lining! Diary about them.
6. Think about how you would feel without something. How would you feel if you didn't have family or friends? Or if you hate your job, how would you feel if you didn't have a paycheck?
Next, practice mindfulness
I know, I know. Everyone is talking about how mindfulness can help you be happier.
That's because it works.
Practicing mindfulness has many advantages. Personally, I think that the best thing you can learn by being mindful is to observe your thoughts without judging them.
Have you ever tried to meditate and found thoughts that jumped up and down in your head like a punch in the mouth? And when you were in this room, did you find it difficult for yourself because you could not meditate “properly”?
There is no right or wrong way to meditate. You will have thoughts popping up in your head and so be it. It's about noticing the thoughts and letting them be there without judgment (good or bad).
When you start to pay attention and notice your thoughts, it is a big step in seeing what thoughts and patterns stand in the way of your happiness. And once you begin to notice these thoughts and patterns, you can form new ones to better serve you in your quest for happiness.
After all, treat yourself like you are treating someone you love.
Once you become more aware of your thoughts, you may find that your inner critic can be quite angry at times and tell you that you are not _______ or not worthy enough.
You would probably never talk to your children, best friend or partner like this. Why on earth do we say such terrible things to each other?
Think of it this way: Your inner critic has a lot of information that he has ingested over the many years of your life. Some of it is helpful and some of it is not.
I hated my body. I wasn't nice to myself at all.
One day it occurred to me that I would never tell my daughter the things that I said to myself, and as someone who has had an eating disorder for much of my adult life, I definitely didn't want to pass that on their.
I committed that day to work on speaking to myself as if I were speaking to my daughter. Taking care of myself like I'm taking care of my daughter.
That started with me telling myself that I was worth self-love and self-care.
The second step was noticed when my inner critic told me that I was not worthy of this love and care. Once I noticed these thoughts, I could replace them with more helpful thoughts and words.
Will any of this happen overnight?
No.
Happiness is something we all spend a great deal of time after, and that feeling of peace and contentment we all hunger for seems quite elusive at times. But remember, it's in you. You already have everything you need in you. These three practices are some pretty simple things that you can do to start your journey of happiness with what is already within you.
Everything is a process. You don't get from point A to point B overnight. It's the little things that you take the time each day to get there. If you stare at a blade of grass you may not see it grow minute by minute, but when your lawn needs mowing you can be pretty sure it has grown a lot!
The end result will come, but you have to be patient. You must be grateful that the process learns and grows. And during the process, you need to treat yourself with love, kindness and respect.
If you can accept this truth, you will surely end up in a beautiful place, and one day you too will live from a place of happiness, purpose and fulfillment.
About Kortney Rivard
Kortney Rivard is a Certified Life Coach and lives in the Washington, DC area. As a former aerospace engineer who wanted a more fulfilling life, she is committed to helping women who are ready to stop putting their dreams aside to find the courage to pursue their dreams and create a life you want to wake up with. Check out her Real, Brave & Unstoppable podcast HERE and learn more about her work on kortneyrivard.com.
Typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix the problem!
