Comfort is something we are all looking for. The term “wellbeing” is highly valued (and promoted) in our society. It's considered a major selling point when you buy a bed, clothes, car, pair of shoes – almost anything in the market. But overestimating comfort in our life can cost a lot of money.
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Our relationship to comfort and discomfort is influenced by our culture, our personal history and our personality. If we are born in a tradition where failure is not an option and social success is the norm, we can challenge ourselves with long hours of work or study to avoid the discomfort of failure. If we are born into a family where depression or anger are part of everyday life, we want to avoid these emotions at all costs and distance ourselves when these feelings arise. A deeper look at our relationship to comfort and discomfort gives us an insight into our path to acceptance and happiness.
There are many levels of malaise:
On a physical level, it can manifest itself in a headache, digestive problem, or skin irritation.
On an emotional level, it can manifest as fear, worry, or depression.
On the mental level, it can manifest itself as constant excitement, inability to concentrate, or ambivalence in making decisions.
At the heart level, it can manifest when one experiences loss, change, or separation.
On a spiritual level, it can manifest as existential fear, senselessness, or a sense of separation.
Certain life events can be challenging and unfamiliar. If we cling to any form of comfort, we will limit our adaptability and growth. Over the years the over-promotion of comfort, happiness, and pleasure has created tremendous distortions. There is no tolerance for a lot of discomfort and enormous impatience for any kind of pain. When comfort is the only choice, resilience and the ability to overcome adversity are lost.
Running with discomfort
If you want to stay centered and at peace you need to stop running away from discomfort (or always running towards pleasure). Running with discomfort prevents us from seeing and feeling what is there. It keeps us in a false state of reality and never allows us to see our true selves. On the other hand, discomfort teaches us to overcome pain and pleasure, thus allowing us to be true to ourselves. It also enables us to see clearly when challenges arise.
The constant promotion of pleasure and comfort has contributed to the development of addictive behavior. For example, many people use food, medication, or games to relieve pain or "escape" stress. This begins with a tremendous obsession with the mind that leads us to believe that there is only one way. When our minds get frantic about one thing, there is no room for anything else and our behavior becomes extremely reactive. As soon as we reach for more comfort, we get intoxicated. Poisoning doesn't necessarily have to be a substance like alcohol. We can be intoxicated with power or greed. As soon as we are intoxicated, we lose our intelligence and our ability to be present.
If you experience discomfort, we recommend that you avoid naming it, contract yourself and wonder when the pain will go away. None of us came to earth to suffer, but neither of us came to earth to run from suffering. Every time you reach your limits, you have the opportunity to unfold and open up.
Mara, one of our clients, struggled with enormous complaints. She was never satisfied with herself and was constantly afraid for her future. She fought her pain by consuming alcohol. After doing this for several years, Mara was unable to push through much and was eventually fired from her job. This was a much needed wake up call for Mara to realize she needed help. When she first came to us, she had a strong motivation to get rid of her discomfort. But as she learned to develop compassion for herself, she became better able to accept her discomfort. Mara understood that when she tried to cover up her discomfort, she actually opened the door to self-destruction.
Accept malaise
Our discomfort to accept is not only guided by bravery, but also by our heart center. At that moment we choose to accept who we are. Our will does not help to heal our pain; our heart does. For Mara, the release was the salvation. Others may delve deeper into negative coping mechanisms that further reinforce patterns of self-sabotage before deciding to change their relationship to discomfort.
We often perceive discomfort as a threat. We want to part with our discomfort in order to protect ourselves. When we do this, we create the opposite of what we are looking for. The more we separate from our discomfort, the more we separate from ourselves and the more pain we experience as a result.
Behind every discomfort there is a fear. For some, it might be the fear of missing out. For others it can be the fear of not being in control or the fear of being overwhelmed and losing self-esteem.
The longer we numb our discomfort, the more solid we may feel. The longer we deny our discomfort, the louder our ego becomes. The practice of allowing discomfort is the practice of integration. Integration occurs when we allow our behaviors, traits, emotional states, and experiences to come together in a more cohesive and organized state. Without integration there is separation, and with separation there is distortion.
The purpose of pain is to awaken the heart, not to trigger the mind. It's not about overcoming pain; it is about recognizing them and learning from them.
Some spiritual traditions bring discomfort to the core of their practice. The intent is to teach the practitioner to remain whole in pain and to prevent the ego-led mind from directing the experience. The focus is not on overcoming the pain, but on surrendering and allowing the pain experience to expand where it wants to be. It teaches the mind not to separate but to allow. It teaches the mind to go beyond the subject-object relationship. At this moment an alchemy takes place in the body and one can move from pain to bliss because the mind is not trapped in form.
The practice of feeling uncomfortable
Regardless of your spiritual tradition and belief system, meditation is a great way to learn to be still with discomfort. Many people express difficulties when trying to learn to meditate and often give up believing they are not good at it. The purpose of meditation is not to add joy or pain, but to develop a neutral mind that allows whatever arises. Persistence in a meditation practice paves the way for acceptance and humility, which are two beautiful qualities of the heart.
If you are able to remain still during the pain without hoping for the joy to come, you are free. If you do not fight the pain but instead fully embrace it, you will change and heal. When this happens you will realize that pain and pleasure are not opposites, but simply sensations; you now live beyond polarities.
Discomfort does not always have to do with pain or joy; our own fears and limitations can cause great discomfort. To avoid discomfort, we can save ourselves from taking risks and put our self-development on hold. Some may feel stuck and paused while others may be on autopilot by sticking to their to-do list. For example, some people may stay in a relationship or a job even though they know it no longer serves them. Both are forms of avoidance.
When we learn to allow pain as part of our experience, we need to consider other possible scenarios that prevent us from knowing about our discomfort. The first scenario is to cling to our pain and make it our identity. At this moment, our life revolves around our pain, and this limits our ability to heal and make positive changes. The second scenario is to be uncomfortable with the discomfort of others. This leads us to “please people”, constantly focusing on the wellbeing of others, and avoiding contact with ourselves. In relation to this second scenario, being with someone who is very dear to our hearts and who is experiencing great inconvenience can also be challenging. Maybe we want to "fix" it or change it as a token of love.
The practice of discomfort teaches us to stay connected to ourselves, to be curious and open. It teaches us to be relaxed and indulge in discomfort. The more we want to control our discomfort, the more we are stuck.
Allow discomfort to be part of your experience. Greet it completely from the heart center. At the core of your pain or fear you will grow and learn.
Practices
To familiarize yourself with the inconvenient, we invite you to try the following practices. As with any practice, consistency and repetition are the keys to gaining insight and effecting change.
Practicing in itself can cause discomfort. When you are least inclined to practice, it can be most useful. Practice teaches you to go beyond your emotional reactivity. If you keep coming up, it will be easier.
Meditation Tonglen
Tonglen is a meditation practice from Tibetan Buddhism and is used to arouse compassion. By recognizing our own suffering and that of others, we open our hearts.
Sit in a comfortable position. Lengthen your spine and pull your shoulders over your back. Soften the face and jaw. Close your eyes.
Connect with a part of you that is in pain on a physical, emotional, mental, heart, or spiritual level.
Pay attention to the quality of your pain.
Imagine all people with a similar experience and inhale their pain. Don't be afraid to "inhale" the pain of others. You won't get any more pain. In fact, you may feel some relief.
Exhale; Send relief.
Repeat the process for at least three minutes.
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Some of you may be really reluctant to start this practice and others just like it. The benefits of journaling are priceless. It helps you to process emotions or situations more consciously and clearly. It's a safe container to use to express your voice. Research on journal writing therapy shows positive results related to identifying emotions and feelings and reducing stress. It can be a catalyst for change and healing.
Think of something that makes you uncomfortable. Is that new or old? What are the main emotions you experience? What behaviors or strategies have you implemented? What did you learn about yourself
Measures
Action is where true learning takes place. You are given the opportunity to really judge your relationship with discomfort and to stretch out.
Do something outside of your comfort zone.
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This article is based on a chapter from our book WAY TO BE – 40 Insights and Transformative Practices in The Heart of Being. For more information, please visit www.40waystobe.com.
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Shari Gootter is a licensed professional advisor and certified rehabilitation advisor with decades of experience in designing and leading workshops for various population groups. Her focus has been on helping people change while they are going through loss or adjustment. She has also developed programs for consultants to help them develop a framework that supports lasting transformation. Shari is a therapist in her own practice and has been teaching yoga for decades. Contact them at [email protected].
Tejpal has over 30 years of experience in helping people on their way to healing, purpose in life and real joy. Tejpal combines her intuition, energy healing, creative processes, life coaching and yoga in her work. Tejpal was born in France and moved to the United States 25 years ago. She has worked with people from many cultures and traditions.
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Opinions and statements in articles appearing on CT Online should not be construed as the opinions of the editors or guidelines of the American Counseling Association.
