He was commissioned by the court and, in order not to go to prison, he had to undergo anger management counseling for several months, among other things. I was his choice as a consultant.
An incident of street rage had led to this result. The other driver had carelessly cut my client off on the interstate. His anger flared up and he chased the other driver, eventually bumping into her car and nearly causing an accident. The other driver was a young mother on her way to work with two children in car seats in the back of the van. She called the police, who pulled my client to them and arrested them.
Before this incident, my client did not have a single sign in his police file and said that he had never done anything similar in his 38 years. In our first joint sessions he was as confused by his behavior as the frightened young mother must have been on the highway.
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Anger is a fascinating feeling. It's completely visceral. You can't "choose" to be angry any more than you can choose to fall in love with someone. Instead, in a sense, the anger attacks us out of the blue, as it did with my client.
People express anger differently depending on a variety of factors including personality, coping skills, history, and context. Regardless, we are all his victims at one point or another, and sometimes this emotion deceives us. In fact, anger can be much “safer” for us than other emotions. A counselor once told me that depression is really hidden anger, and while this is often the case, I believe the opposite is also the case. It is sometimes easier to be self-righteous and angry than to admit that your heart hurts.
I've had clients who threatened others with weapons, were involved in violent road rage, and even some who killed their work colleagues. Very few of these people have planned their behavior in advance. They acted spontaneously in the heat of passion (pardon the cliché).
I have often experienced anger in my clients and I have recognized some things that help me deal with it. At the beginning of my career, “Anxiety Management” involved a number of techniques such as deep breathing and the development of various coping strategies. These are certainly important areas to focus on, but at the time I was missing a piece of the puzzle that is also crucial for dealing with anger.
Anger has three components or parts in common, and as we help our clients address these three problems they will have new tools to deal with a variety of situations.
The first component is the loss of control. When all of our coping tools are used up, we are reduced to primitive behaviors. Think about how illogical (but common) it is to repeatedly press an elevator button. In the midst of our frustration, we keep pushing the button even though we know it won't help. The use of deep breathing (or another relaxation technique) is very helpful here.
My client had felt a loss of control at work and a loss of control at home. When the other driver's behavior experienced a similar loss of control in heavy traffic that day, he tried to regain control by "punishing" them for their reckless driving.
A second component of anger is that the triggering event is perceived as personal. My client noticed that the other driver was doing something to him on purpose (as if she was purposely making him angry), even though she was just in a hurry and not thinking. The irony of the Road Rage is that we depersonalize the other driver and at the same time perceive his behavior as a personal and deliberate attack on us.
Finally, the third component is the belief that one has been wronged – that life is not fair. My client was of the opinion that “other drivers shouldn't be so negligent”. In a way, he was trying to make the world just by correcting an injustice. This thinking is quite illogical, but very common in road traffic incidents.
The anger that my client experienced was partly due to the fact that his defenses were down. He had just had a very bad day at work, his personal life was at a low point, and in the safety of his car – his own domain – he let his normal coping skills fly out of the window.
After weeks of counseling, my client went on with a much healthier life. By looking at these three parts of anger, he could learn to spot cues and use anger management techniques. I hope he never sees the back seat of a police car again.
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Gregory K. Moffatt is a senior counselor with over 30 years of experience and the Dean of the College of Social and Behavioral Sciences at Point University. In his monthly Voice of Experience column for CT Online, he aims to share the theory, ethics and practice lessons from his diverse career as well as inspiration for today's consultants, whether they are just starting out or have been practicing for many years. His experience spans three decades of working with children, trauma, and abuse, as well as a host of other experiences including working with schools, businesses, and law enforcement agencies. Contact him at [email protected].
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Opinions and statements in articles appearing on CT Online should not be construed as the opinions of the editors or guidelines of the American Counseling Association.
