In 2018, I published an article in Counseling Today on Member Insights called "The hurtful counselor". I received more feedback on this article than anything else I have ever written, and it became the most viewed article published on CT Online at any point in 2018. Almost all of the responses I received were comments on how counselors were (just like me) neglecting self-care until the crisis hit them in the face and they realized they didn't have the tools to deal with it.
In this article I described a time when my marriage failed and at the same time my self-care was severely neglected. While my own story was part of this article, my real point was to ask readers to take self-care seriously. Fortunately, by the end of the article, I found grateful that my marriage was saved. The healing was slow and the setbacks continued, but things improved.
Unfortunately I am here to tell you that a very painful tragedy has found me again and I am devastated. I will leave the details of my painful situation unspoken because if I told you what it was about, some readers might think, "This doesn't apply to me." The specifics of my situation are not why I am writing this follow-up article, any more than my original article was only about the sadness of my failed marriage. Let's just say that I hurt as much as you can hurt and still survive.
But just like before, my goal is to address the importance of self-care. I religiously practice what I told readers about two years ago in The Hurting Advisor. My breakup, which I wrote about at the time, had taken place almost a decade earlier and had almost crippled me. I couldn't eat or sleep, and I could barely get through every day. My compromised self-care almost hit me.
But since then I have been practicing everything I wrote about in The Hurting Advisor, and now that I am facing another very painful experience, I am so glad I did. The follow up is that self-care is not only helpful but also crucial.
Don't get me wrong. The tragedies of life are always grave: the loss of a child, the humiliation of arrest and jail, failed relationships, crippling physical illnesses, etc. The timing of my present situation, as it is in the middle of the coronavirus, the beginning of a very challenging school year my university and a generally difficult lifetime make it worse.
My days are difficult and my nights are even more difficult, but I am getting along reasonably well – unlike the time I wrote about before – because I have practiced our ethics of self-care. The inevitable pain of personal crisis will not conquer me as it did almost years ago. I have a therapist, I play, I eat right and I rest as best I can. All the keys to proper self-care.
As mentioned above, self-care is not an option. It's an ethical obligation. The excuse that “I don't have time” to exercise, go to therapy, eat well, or take a day off is not only wrong but irresponsible.
In contrast to the situation I was in all those years ago, I make better decisions today because I am in better condition and have the strength to do so. I will weather this storm with clarity of thought and resilience of heart. None of these things are possible without regular self-care. Fortunately, I am also in reasonable shape to continue working with my clients, interns and managers. They will never know that I am in the middle of a crisis if I don't tell them.
If we don't take care of ourselves we will make bad decisions in all possible areas. We will stay in toxic relationships and dead ends or work too many hours. Our lack of clarity will make it difficult to see the damage we are doing to ourselves. I know that in my previous life with poor self-sufficiency, I couldn't survive this current hurricane. Today I am so strong even though I feel vulnerable and abused every day.
In my column I often tell stories about my life, my clients and my practice, but this article is as personal as it gets. However, I am not only processing my current pain with you. From the numerous responses I received from my original article on self-care, I know that self-care is a problem and a challenge for many therapists. It is imperative that we take care of this so that we are adequately prepared when we are exposed to deep injury – as we are all bound to do in one way or another.
Hopefully my testimony here will convince you that there is a good reason to take care of yourself. And I want you to know that not only am I practicing what I preach to you, but it works.
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Gregory K. Moffatt is a 30+ year veteran advisor and dean of the College of Social and Behavioral Sciences at Point University. In his monthly Voice of Experience column for CT Online, he aims to draw theoretical, ethical, and practical lessons from his diverse career as well as inspiration for today's consultants, whether they are just starting out or have been practicing for many years. His experience spans three decades of working with children, trauma, and abuse, as well as a host of other experiences including working with schools, businesses, and law enforcement agencies. Contact him at [email protected].
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