At some point in our training as a consultant, we all studied great theorists like Erikson, Piaget and Maslow. Their theories give us a general understanding of human behavior and with this information we can develop clinical interventions. While I was a student, I didn't appreciate theory as much as I should have, but the further I went in my career as a consultant, the more I realized how important theory was and how to apply it.
But it's not just the theory that interests me. The insights behind developing these theories are equally important. How did these men and women get their theories? Have you ever looked at an invention and thought, "Wow, why didn't someone think of it earlier?"
It is these potential blind spots that I have tried to identify again and again in the decades of my career. What i don't see What could someone come up with in the future that would ask us: "How did we miss that?"
And that brings me to the subject of grief. You have probably heard that "depression is really suppressed anger" or something very similar. We know that the emotions that we actually see with our customers are often based on different emotions. I am convinced that grief is one of these underlying emotions in many cases.
When Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote her pioneering work on death and dying in 1969, she considered grief only in connection with personal loss through death. But later in life, she broadened her perspective to include other grief experiences. Infertility, loss of job, loss of health and the death of a pet are a number of other losses that could be grieved.
I started to believe that some of the dysfunctions that we see clinically are actually grief. When I was a very young man, my uncle once said to me that he grew up to "become everything I always hated". What a sad thing to say. I didn't notice it back then, but now I can see that he was expressing sorrow – the loss of his dreams. He had hoped for one thing, but had achieved something completely different.
Addiction, affairs, anger and depression – to name just a few things – can really be the client's attempt to deal with grief. A client who struggled with fidelity in his marriage finally got a revelation in therapy with me when he found that his unfaithful behavior had almost nothing to do with sex. Through extramarital relationships, he was looking for a fantasy – what he always hoped would be his marriage. In a way, he was in the negotiation phase of the Kübler-Ross theory. "If I could just repeat a few decisions in life, I would find happiness in a relationship with someone …"
Instead of mourning the loss of his marriage, he tried to negotiate through it. These bargains were illusions, and consequently none of his extramarital relationships satisfied him. Once he was able to mourn the loss of the marriage he was hoping for, he could adjust his expectations and achieve a healthier relationship with his wife.
This does not mean that we have to be content with the misfortune. On the other hand! With the dissolving of grief, peace of mind comes. Based on another theory, this may be similar to Rogers' idea of the ideal self and the perceived self. Nobody suggests that we stop dreaming of a better self, but there will always be a gap between these two "selves." The strength of the ego develops in the resolution of this inequality. Mourning the loss of the ideal can lead to healthier behavior.
In a sense, Erikson also said this in relation to the last stages of psychosocial development – generativity versus stagnation and integrity versus despair. These two phases are at least partially successful if you have achieved a sense of achievement.
When a person can look back on life and be satisfied with their direction, it gives the feeling of "I have done good" and enables you to sleep well at night. There is no grief. On the other hand, if you look back and ruin decisions and the direction of your life, you feel stuck and hopeless. This is sadness – the loss of your own expectations.
I think I'm trying to communicate that if we can see how grief causes our customers to malfunction, we should treat grief rather than depression, addiction, or other symptoms of grief. We cannot change the loss. Facing this and finding ways to deal with it are the keys to the solution.
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Gregory K. Moffatt is a veteran advisor and Dean of the College of Social and Behavioral Sciences at Point University, more than 30 years old. In his monthly Voice of Experience column for CT Online, he would like to draw theoretical, ethical and practical lessons from his diverse career and inspiration for today's consultants, regardless of whether they are just starting out or have been practicing for many years. His experience spans three decades of working with children, trauma and abuse, as well as a variety of other experiences, including working with schools, businesses, and law enforcement. Contact him at [email protected].
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Recently Published: See Gregory K. Moffatt's article in the April edition of Counseling Today: "The Need for Standardization in Assessing Suicide Risk"
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