We were married for about a year and lived in a small apartment building when my husband and I sat down to put together a bathroom shelf. It was the cheap type of metal that you slide over the toilet so that all of your toiletries have a place to live because there are no closets in the bathroom. Sounds easy, doesn't it? Absolutely not.
What did you just say to me?
Maybe it was a long and stressful day at work, or maybe the stars weren't in the right place in the sky. I don't know, but for some reason I didn't have the patience to put this shelf together. It was annoying because it should be quick and easy. I tried to hold it together while fiddling with the instructions and the Allen key. My husband noticed that my frustration increased and said, "Calm down."
There is a code word for it
I don't remember everything I said, but I remember it Band with which I said these things. When the snakes on my head stopped hissing and the fire in my eyes calmed to an orange flame instead of burning blue, I screamed and told him the worst thing you can do when someone is angry is to shut them up ask to calm down. The first codeword of our marriage was born at that time, and since then it has contributed significantly to the spread of conflicts.
We decided to look up words in advance that relate certain things without having to explain them a long and tedious journey. In this way we check how the other person feels before a conversation becomes an argument. This can be an easy way to express a thought, feeling, or expectation.
Give me an example
The code word that was produced that night was "Mango Slurpy". It is one of our favorites and one of the most commonly used code words in our marriage. And yes, I realize it's two words, not one. Why sip mango? Because it is cool and refreshing and can heat up frustration and sometimes break out in anger. Surprisingly, neither of us is annoyed when the other says "Mango Slurpy", but you could probably hear the crackling in the ground when one of us told the other to "calm down". In this way, we acknowledge that we are, see, the other person becomes angry without making the situation worse.
Another trustworthy favorite is "Pure Whiskey" and means "just shoot it straight to me." It means that you need an honest answer to something and you don't want it to be watered down. The answer still has to be respectful, but without all the lint. You don't wanna go to this party? Tell me. Would you rather not spend the vacation with my family for more than an afternoon? Let me know. Just tell me how you feel and what you want.
According to this article on PsychCentral, good communication in marriage begins with respect, and code words are one way to respectfully simplify on-site information.
Plan It
As with so many things in life, planning is key. As a rule, it doesn't work to find words in an instant – at least it didn't work for us. Think of some situations where a code word could be used to communicate the meaning quickly and easily. When using code words to resolve disagreements in your relationships, keep the following in mind:
You must choose words that you will remember. Choose words that you and your partner agree on.
You and your spouse can always go back and keep track of what happened earlier than you had time to process. The code words do not have to be the end of the discussion. You could just close the gap for a while. If you put time and energy into the relationship with your partner, you will learn to talk through so many different scenarios. You are more likely to feel heard, understood, and valued. This simple process can be critical to creating a culture of mutual respect in your relationship. In this way, you can control the conversations in a more meaningful way. You may be better able to resolve conflicts, resolve disputes, and engage in more constructive dialogues.
"Communication works for those who work on it." So what code words do you and your partner have in mind to establish communication? Work for you – John Powell
Related Resources for Conflict Resolution
