"The antidote to exhaustion is not calm. It is wholeheartedly." ~ David Whyte
Crouching in a cold leaf pile in the forest, I watch a woodpecker. Persistent, undisturbed, moving a tree up and down next to me. It methodically taps its beak bit by bit to find something to eat. I watch and wonder … Aren't you tired of this relentless persecution? Are you tired of smashing your face again and again when the chances are stacked against you? How fleeting disappointment you have to be.
Not me. I take a bump and the disappointment pervades me. I'm desperately looking for serenity, my eyes always look for relief somewhere halfway and wonder when I can stop trying so hard.
My mother used to talk about her own stubborn struggles like "banging your head against a wall".
But you, my woodpecker friend, don't seem to be fighting or frustrated. They just move from moment to moment, undisturbed by the repetition of trying again and again. Don't worry about what happens next and what the result of each knock against the tree. This is your life, the persistent pursuit of food from moment to moment.
Typing, typing, typing – looking for food. Tap, tap, tap – try again. Tap, tap, tap – no time for disappointments. Knock, knock, knock – that would be stupid, counterproductive to life.
Today I sit and watch you. It is early morning and my body is already buzzing with stress. My baby is crying, children are arguing, another night without sleep.
I am six months after the birth with the third baby and have trouble adapting to my new life. All my energy has been spent on caring for, growing and feeding my growing family.
I should have had it together at this point in my life, I should have made some progress now. I shouldn't have to try so hard. I teach people how to deal with stress through art. Everyday life is my muse! But today I can't get out of my own fog. I can't give myself time to create and breathe, I'm just too tired.
We often hear the word "grind" these days. A collective realization that daily life in the western world is full of bumps, abrasions and sparks. The idea that not all stress comes from the great dramatic moments in life, life and death, pain and suffering. Much of it comes from the momentary energy that we put into our daily life to shape and survive.
The details of the challenges of my life are specific and special to me, but most of us can relate to this feeling of a boiling point – where we can no longer stand it, where the stress is too great and we are tired to try , Each of us dances between our own little stories of struggle and joy in one day.
Sometimes coffee is not enough.
Sometimes more sleep cannot help.
Sometimes it feels like my attempt will only make it worse. As if there was no influence, no sign that I can make in this world or in my life.
Sometimes all of my therapies, self-help books, and good advice are simply out of my reach.
Sometimes I'm locked up in a moment when gratitude feels like a boulder that I just can't lift.
It is so hard to get up when you just want to close your eyes and find some rest.
I am usually the type of person who thinks that change is always possible, that my pain is fleeting, that improvements can always be made. It is my duty to make the world a better place.
My husband and I joke that we are constantly tweaking things to find a better flow in our lives. We keep finding ourselves that we have changed something in our home by pushing a pot from the old drawer into a new one and trying to develop new systems to handle the chaos of laundry, children and our lives to get. We just keep trying.
We are all firmly convinced that the situation will improve for us with every new optimization. It is certainly one of our best attributes as a couple. We are both constantly interested in improving ourselves, our lives and our community. We know that we have an impact on our world and we try to use it forever.
But it is also a trap. A setup for disappointment. Call it attachment, call it the grass is always greener. Whatever you call it, the result is the same: you will be carried away by the search for something better, more or just different. All this trying and lifting and doing can be a structure that only pushes us further down.
And before you notice it, you are on the verge of tears and fleeing your life, huddled in a cold clump of leaves in the forest, with no determination or ounce of resistance found. And that's the morning I found the woodpecker, the morning I fled my house exhausted. Tired of the feeling that I can't catch up.
That day I was fed up with wanting more. So I took refuge in the cliff behind my house. I closed the door and walked away from my family and the stress. I intended to find a place where I could only be in the forest, in the hope that it would bring me some peace.
And this is the morning when things shift for me, when the woodpecker came to me and showed me how to be between each knock on his beak. You, my stubborn woodpecker friend, came at exactly the right moment …
Knock, knock, knock, the stubborn woodpecker calls for me. I look and I hear. It shows me how to do it. Show up at every moment. Tap, tap, tap, a real presence. Tap, tap, tap, just try again. Knock, knock, knock, reborn every moment.
What if I never get it right, never arrive completely, never works? But what if it is really just about showing up again and again, finding small treasures at the moment and going on? No past resentments, no future desires. Just the willingness to show up every day and try again and again.
I watch and listen to the woodpecker. I observe and see that when it works so hard without a reward, it doesn't stop and wallow in disappointment. It keeps on trying because it has to, because that's what life is. Tap, tap, tap.
It felt like the woodpecker was here to show me how to be. Reminds me that every time I feel uncomfortable I only have to show up the next time. That this grinding is temporary, that I can feel it, notice it and come to the next moment and keep trying. I don't have to endure the grinding. I can use my influence and actions in this world and continue to try to find the food I need to thrive. Every moment is a new beginning, a new chance to reshape my world.
So I took a breath and decided to do what helps me to be present and whole – I created. I walked for a while and then jumped off the path … and then all the magic started (and just to remember, this is always the moment we jump off the normal route and move to the land of curiosity.)
I found something I had longed for all summer and autumn. Wasps paper. A bird had found an old wasp nest and torn it apart. Tattered small parts of the former beehive were scattered. It felt like a gold mine. It was a piece of magic in my hands.
So I breathed. I tinkered. With all the miracles around me, I did a few installations. I tried. I popped up in that little bag in the woods. I put my thoughts and stress in the foreground and found my breath.
I tried again in search of silence. I let go of the desire to ponder, wallow, and cling to the anger that troubled my morning. I found my breath and just tried to be in the forest with these treasures. I spent time with them, slowed down and played with their arrangements to take some pictures.
When I started creating with presence, I could feel a change in me. I shaped the world around me and felt how my inner landscape was shaped. I felt relieved. I felt my fog lift. I started to feel calm, but my eyes were already tempted to get to what would come next. The temptation to be somewhere is a constant bait.
Then I remembered that I appeared here and now at this moment and actually did it. I remember that it is the act of emergence, not the main outcome. I rid myself of future progress. Today I showed up in this bag in the forest and did something. Knock, knock, knock because that's life.
About Rachel Rose
Rachel is an expressive art educator who teaches people how to use creativity for self-care, awareness, and wellbeing. Her education and research has focused on a variety of media, including visual arts, creative writing, storytelling, nature and music, all with mindfulness. In their own practice, each creation begins with the exploration of an emotion and appears as a symbolic story. Learn more about their support at www.workshopmuse.com
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