Editor's Note: A number of helpful coronavirus resources and all related articles by Tiny Buddha can be found here.
"Distance sometimes lets you know who is worth keeping and who is worth letting go of."
~ Lana Del Rey
When COVID-19 started to change my life, I thought of my family. My parents, with whom I haven't spoken much since 2007, and my sister. I wondered how they were doing and what they must have felt at that moment.
Then I stopped and remembered why I had disconnected them at all. I remembered verbal abuse, neglect, lack of respect for my limits, and lack of remorse. I remembered how hard I tried to be what they wanted and how it was never enough.
If someone from your past was not the kind of caring person you needed, there is a good chance that they cannot be for you in the present or future.
It is only natural to want to achieve something in times of stress and need. It is only natural to ask yourself how are people with whom you have made connections, whether they are safe, and take care of their wellbeing. But I've learned to think before I respond to emotions so I don't get hurt again.
In times like these, when we feel anxious or lonely, we have to think about what is best for us. Reconnecting with someone out of fear or guilt can only cause more pain.
If someone you cut out of your life has contacted you to judge you for an answer, or someone else has contacted you on their behalf, remember that you don't have to answer or get involved and so on also don't do anything to give any explanations.
You do not have to answer your calls, open your letters, texts or emails. All you have to do is best for you. If you don't know what's best for you, don't act now, take some time to think.
When they say they have changed, look at the evidence so they don't get drawn back into toxic patterns – especially now when life is stressful enough.
This does not mean that we do not care, it does not mean that we should stop thinking about them. I have learned that care can take many forms. Sometimes we have to take care of ourselves from a distance for our own good. In our hearts we can wish them all the best and hope that they are doing well from afar.
I know that this is not easy, but we have to protect our mental health. There is no shame in doing what you think is best because you are responsible for your own sanity and happiness. You should never feel guilty for this, even if it means that you might disappoint someone.
To be fair, your situation could be different from mine. I know from my own experience that I can never connect to my family again. My interactions with them have taught me that they have not changed and will never see or respect me. For my own mental health reasons, I have decided never to open this door again, but this may not be the same for you.
Maybe your former loved one has changed. At times like this, people think about their mistakes and what is really important in life. And there is something to say to show people empathy and forgiveness when they are ready to be honest about their decisions and accept their mistakes. Just know that there are no guarantees if you let someone who hurt you back into your life.
If you feel emotionally strong enough to open your heart to that person again, open it with awareness and caution. Test the water of the relationship with a text or email and reflect on your feelings after responding. Some people are able to reflect and grow themselves, and there are times when broken relationships can be repaired to be stronger than before.
However, it might be wise not to get involved in fantasies or to have romanticized ideas of what the relationship will look like. They can be open, but expectations often lead to disappointments. And keep in mind that if you don't think the relationship is healthy for you, you can always disconnect and use that experience as a lesson.
Whichever you choose, you just know the following: How we react to the situation and who we deal with will affect us for days, weeks, and months Come. It is very important to surround ourselves (physically or emotionally) with people who lift us up, see us and support our personal growth.
If, like me, you decide not to connect, you can still take steps to process your feelings. There is always something we can do to create healing and closure for ourselves.
We can write about our thoughts and feelings to confirm them for ourselves. We can write a letter to someone that contains all the things we wanted to say but never thought possible, and we can choose to send the letter or keep it for our own validation.
We can also shift our focus to ourselves. Every day we can think about little things we can do to improve our lives and we can take small steps to make these changes happen – even from home. We can take lessons online and look for new jobs and / or educational programs. We can take the time to change our physical spaces so that they are more functional and make us happy. We can learn to meditate or try an online yoga class.
Start building a positive routine filled with things that make you happy. Wake up and cuddle the pet or enjoy the coffee or do whatever makes you smile.
Many of us have time to do things we've always wanted to do. Start making a list of these things. Make this scrapbook, learn to sew or try this new recipe. Tidy up your closets, build the bookcase or sit on the couch and watch the TV show you've always wanted to see.
When my life collapsed and I lost people I loved, I learned that even in the most bleak moments, we can focus on the little things that make us happy. The feeling of the warm cup of coffee in our hands, the sun coming through the window, the pet asking for affection. We can focus our attention on the present moment, breathe and enjoy it.
We cannot control what happens or how others behave, but we can control how we react.
Instead of investing our energy in toxic relationships, we can also invest it in healthy relationships and our personal growth. Despite all this chaos, we can be happy and make the best of every day. We can choose to take good care of ourselves and develop healthy habits that will improve our lives now and in the future.
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