"Our bodies contain our stories – every chapter, every line and every verse of every event and relationship in our lives." ~ Caroline Myss
I could hear my teacher speak, but I wasn't listening. When I stared at the math homework in front of me, I couldn't get the sound of my heart beating out of my head.
Two times two equal, beat beat, same beat beat, four.
The more I focused on my heartbeat, the louder it got. I could even feel my chest beating.
When I noticed the clock, I had ten minutes before my mother would meet me in the school office. We had planned to meet the school nurse. I was afraid of it.
Was I in trouble?
If so, why did I meet the nurse and not the headmaster? I was also an A + student. I never got into trouble.
When I rang the bell, I reluctantly went to the office. Mom was there as planned. The school nurse, a small woman with a big smile, met us both.
"Come in," she said as she pointed towards her door.
I looked over at my mother and she looked at me and shrugged my shoulders. We both had no idea about the purpose of this meeting.
"Uhhh, Sister Smith cleared his throat and broke the ice …
"Let's get to that. Casey, you're too thin. It concerns me."
When she looked at my mother, she said, "Mom, do you know why Casey is losing so much weight?"
My mother quickly described our diet and how she prepared meals for me, "balanced and complete".
"Is Casey going to the doctor?" Sister Smith followed.
My mother said in an excited voice: "If necessary, we go to our family doctor."
Sister Smith looked at me carefully and patted my shoulder.
"Okay, Casey, you eat more of your mother's good kitchen and get some weight on yourself. I don't want to see you in my office until you've filled out something."
This was one of many incidents in which people, including professionals, noticed something physical about me, made assumptions, but never asked me about my experience.
Nobody asked me about my perception of my weight.
Have I noticed changes in the fit of my pants?
Have I noticed changes in my desire to eat?
Instead, a band-aid approach – eating my mother's great food – was recommended and I was sent on my way.
It was believed that if I ate more my weight would increase if I ate more.
Was eating more the solution to my fast heartbeat?
Apparently not.
Months later, my teacher confirmed my fast heartbeat during a sports exercise. Not only was my teacher worried, I was not allowed to take physical education classes until my heartbeat was "normal".
Saddened that I could not take a course that I really enjoyed, no one, including my doctors, offered me solutions. After wearing heart monitors and doing many tests, I was diagnosed with tachycardia. This is a medical term, or what I like to call it, a fancy name so as not to know the cause of an increased heartbeat.
The meaning of our thoughts, feelings and perceptions
I have diagnosed most of my young adult years with a number of conditions based on my physical symptoms and observations of my outward appearance.
Nobody asked about my inner environment – my thoughts, feelings, beliefs.
Nobody asked me about my life.
How was it at home for me?
What kind of relationship did I have with my parents?
Have I experienced stress or even understood the importance of stress?
Have I felt physically and emotionally safe and cared for?
Needless to say, my mother's excellent cuisine did not make me gain weight. I continued to lose weight. My heartbeat was still racing.
It was only when my mother took me to a psychologist that I was diagnosed with an eating disorder. The real reason why I lost weight: I was very sick.
During therapy sessions, the psychologist pointed out that I would not gain or start repairing my relationship with food until the conflict between my parents was resolved.
She was absolutely right.
The psychologist made a connection between my weight loss and the conflict in my house.
The focus was not on my diet as the cause. The focus was on the emotional turmoil in my life.
This was the first time that someone associated my physical symptoms with stress around me.
Trauma can make us sick
At the time of my weight loss and fast heartbeat, my parents experienced a turbulent and, in my opinion, traumatic divorce. Conflicts were normal in my house and I was a classic "child in the middle of this conflict".
When my parents argued about their lost relationship and years of service, I was lost amid their problems.
Divorce is one of many traumatic events that people can experience.
Any event that is perceived as threatening, disempowering, helpless or out of control is a trauma.
Trauma contributes to physical symptoms in the body.
In other words, one of my traumas – my parents' divorce – made me sick.
After years of therapy, I realized that fear is a mental health condition. Anxiety can be accompanied by many symptoms, one of which is tachycardia or a fast heartbeat.
I was relieved. Suddenly the reasons for my fast heartbeat made sense!
Animal instincts protect us, but can make us sick
When a person's perception of security is threatened, the body reacts naturally to fight or flight. Like a wild animal about to prey on another, the body mobilizes a response to respond and protect.
People living in traumatic environments are often exposed to threats. Just because we are not really eaten does the body not know the difference and mobilizes to save us anyway. An increased heart rate is a side effect.
I did not find my home safe. The conflict between my parents was traumatic. My body didn't know the difference between an animal preparing to eat me and another threat.
When my parents were arguing, my body mobilized a fight or flight reaction that increased my heart rate. Fear of living on the edge and fear of what would happen next became a way of life for me – even if my parents didn't argue. This explains why my heart rate increased, even though I was doing something I enjoyed at school.
Making connections that help us heal
I am grateful that I saw a psychologist at such a young age. She planted the seed to draw my attention to the connection between illness and trauma.
However, for decades after these sessions, no one else made these connections, and gradually I forgot how closely our physical symptoms are linked to our history of trauma and stress.
It was only when I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease, an inflammatory autoimmune disease of the intestine, that I had to go back and connect the dots in the hope of finding answers that would help me heal.
Sure enough, I didn't have to look far to discover physical symptoms that were preceded by a traumatic event in my life.
Based on this information, I knew that I had found the answers to my healing.
My only job was to find a specialist: a doctor, healer, or licensed psychotherapist who could help me integrate my life into my symptoms.
Once there is awareness of the relationship between illness and trauma, it is possible to find resources.
Functional medicine doctors, somatic therapies, alternative modalities and sensorimotor psychotherapists are just a few of the many options that consider healing to be integrative.
You are an expert on your body
I have researched many therapies and continue to improve. However, I believe that healing is a lifelong process. I have to be constantly aware of how sensitive my body is to stress. After all, it had lifelong programming to focus on fighting or fleeing.
When there is stress in my life, my body often has physical symptoms. Sometimes simple interactions with colleagues are enough to trigger my body's threat response.
Life with Crohn's disease has many challenges. True healing started when I realized that my history of childhood trauma laid a foundation for disease in my body and continues to contribute to how Crohn's disease shows.
After I have this awareness, the healing options are exponential. The more I support my body in healing trauma, the better my physical symptoms and the stronger my immune system.
Of course it is not an easy journey. But never lose hope.
Although conventional medical models continue to separate physical from emotional, there are numerous solutions. This means that people like you and I have to brave the terrain, connect to our own bodies and lives, and look for treatments that offer this integration.
In many ways we have to educate our doctors and healers about these relationships. Since we are experts in our own bodies, we have many answers to our own healing that are based on living with ourselves.
Nobody knows you better than you.
About Casey Hersch
Casey Hersch, MSW, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker, author, and founder of www.lightyoursparkle.life. She specializes in integrative treatment models for chronic diseases by making the connection between our physical and emotional body aware. Our passions are at the center of health and ballroom dancing and the accompaniment of pets are clear examples. Inspired by her own struggles with autoimmune diseases and trauma, she teaches empowerment and how to create individual healing plans.
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