“The feeling of being rejected, disapproved, or conditionally loved by primary carers is a monumental, permanent burden on a child. It creates chronic shame, guilt, and fear. The child is accused of doing something wrong and thereby learns to perceive themselves as bad. “~ Darius Cikanavicius, Human Development and Trauma: How Childhood Makes Us What We Are As Adults
You are safe now, but not before.
Before you were abused.
If your experience were anything like mine, you were told that you are worthless on a daily basis, that your feelings and needs do not matter, and that you would never deserve or deserve love.
Your lived experiences have been denied and you have questioned your reality.
Your needs and wants have never been met and you have learned that to be sure you must put the needs of others before your own.
When conflict with others has arisen, you have blamed yourself because the people around you have always done it. I still have problems with it now.
You were taught that you were not enough. That you had to please others in order to be worthy of something for a fleeting moment.
They lived on high alert, prepared for the next insult and expected to be devalued and humiliated. There was little rest, so you learned to be silent. You suppressed your feelings and needs, knowing that they would not be honored, and you hid parts of your personality because you knew that you would never be accepted for who you are.
You were involved in your own oppression and were no longer aware of your own needs, desires and even feelings. Your selfhood has been stripped.
You were told that you were too sensitive, too needy, too emotional and that you did not see or perceive situations properly. You have been told you are stupid, too fat, too thin, and / or too selfish.
When you tried to stand up for yourself, you were told that you did not live in the real world. That everything that happened to you was your fault.
Standing up for yourself was dangerous and you were led to believe that you did not have that right.
You grew up in this uncertain environment. I grew up there too. Where your first memories came from and where you learned something about yourself and the world through your parents' actions and reactions.
As a child you bore your pain quietly and were prepared to accept abuse.
Your perpetrators told you it was love – that they treated you so that you would become a better person. In reality, however, this was just easier to control and manipulate. With no self-esteem or personal worth, you could be defined in any way and you would blindly accept that definition.
They told you that you were incompetent and you didn't question it because you were taught that other people's opinions are valuable and yours are not. So every statement made by your perpetrators had to be true.
You were taught that you were bad. All of your actions, thoughts, and behaviors were wrong and you were fundamentally unworthy.
If you were lucky as you grew you became aware of your situation and began to break free. You severed the toxic bonds of your childhood and began to develop a sense of self-worth.
Perhaps you did what no one should: cut off your parents or primary carers. You are safe now, but part of you is still trying to see it.
If your experiences with formative abuse have been anything like mine, you know how difficult it was to break free and unlearn what you were taught about yourself and the world.
It is easy for others to take advantage of you and to abuse you because you have gained experience and have low self-esteem. For me this manifested itself in one-sided friendships in which I would give and give and receive very little in return.
Abuse is so normal for you that you feel attracted to it as if it were at home.
You are now being abused in romantic relationships, friendships and at work.
I've had romantic partners who told me I was ugly, they were with me just for convenience. I had friends who told me how flawed I was and how happy I was to have their crumbs of friendship.
It feels so normal, so natural, similar to what you are used to. But it shouldn't be!
You wonder why you end up in these situations, why you don't see them for what they are, and why you cannot break free from this vicious circle.
At some level you know that these relationships and situations are abusive and unhealthy, but because you have never been taught to trust yourself and your instincts have been disarmed, you question and even deny your reality.
Even now I have to make a conscious effort to recognize the signs of unhealthy relationships, and I had to learn that being seen, feeling supported and genuinely cared for are normal aspects of a healthy relationship.
When others show you kindness and attention, you feel undeserved and even question their motives.
You are sneaking out of the spotlight because when you were previously in the spotlight you were ridiculed and abused.
You shrug off compliments, diminish achievements and let others take the lead.
You are afraid to speak for yourself or to offend someone. Philanthropy is a way for you to gain approval and love, so do whatever you can to do for others, including to your own detriment.
If you are wrong and injured, even now you accept the abuse and take full responsibility for the actions of others, even if they are wrong.
I have taken responsibility for the bad treatment of the staff in a restaurant by my friends and even for the sexist, racist comments from my partner. I shouldn't have taken any responsibility for that.
If you've done all of these things, you know that none of them is your fault.
The past in which you fought so bravely to overcome the whisper in your ear in the present too. You tell yourself you are fine and grown, but the past haunts you when you least expect it.
For me, the past shows its ugly head in the face of success, when I am consistently treated well by others or when I achieve more than I originally expected. It is as if the past is trying to make me feel safe, complete, and happy in the present.
Since you grew up on high alert and expected abuse, you question and analyze the actions of others. You ask yourself, “Are you really interested in me? Have you given up on me? Is there anything they don't tell me? "
You want to trust others, but you don't know how. You want to be loved, but you have never been taught what love feels like.
In social situations, your emotional energy is consumed by protecting yourself and anticipating threats that are no longer real. You are overreacting to being teased and you never allow yourself to talk too much because you feel unworthy to be the center of attention.
You have been taught that others are more important than you, so hold back when you have something important to say.
Because of my past, I withdrew from social situations. I had very few friends and would withdraw from people for fear of being thrown away. It has taken me years to learn that I am worthy of friendship and now, for the first time in my life, I have supportive networks of friends in my neighborhood, at work, and at school.
It is extremely difficult for you to trust that others have your interests first, but again this is not your fault. The people who should have supported and protected you when you grew up wanted to destroy you.
When you feel that you are being rejected, overreact first and reject the other person.
When you feel like you are being left out, shut yourself out before others can.
In disagreements, you do not stand up for yourself and instead give in because you have been taught that standing up creates drama for yourself and you are not worth validating.
You are overly accommodating and compromise even when you shouldn't. I'm just learning to take the lead at work and speak my mind with confidence.
None of what happened to you was your fault, but now you need to learn how to let go of these poorly adapted coping mechanisms.
Now you have to learn that you have a right to borders, that you have a right to be treated fairly and respectfully, and that your feelings and needs are valid. I know this will take time. it took many years.
In emotional situations you need to learn not to react impulsively but to step back and ask yourself if the perceived threat is real or if I am reacting based on my treatment in the past.
You have to surround yourself with people who see your worth and accept you for who you are, because that is what a healthy relationship looks like. Stop apologizing for mistreating others and remember that you do not have to take responsibility for their toxic behavior. This is for her to own, not for you.
In social situations, you need to learn to give compliments and claim the limelight when you have something interesting or valuable to say. You deserve to be seen and heard and you no longer have to suppress or manipulate yourself.
Go out of your way to do things that will help you increase your self worth and worth. Make lists of all of your good qualities and all of the things you have accomplished. You are rightly proud of what you have achieved and where you are in life.
You were never told that you were loved, that you were smart, or that your needs were important. Now you need to learn to love yourself and find ways to reinforce your own needs and desires.
Tell yourself I am worthy, I deserve to be loved, happy and respected. Tell you I'm safe now
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