“Wounded children have anger, a sense of failed justice that burns in their souls. What are you doing with this anger? Since they would never harm anyone else, they turn this anger inward. They become the target of their own anger. "~ Woody Haiken
Survival mechanisms are types of being that we have picked up on our way to cope with what happened in our reality.
Getting angry at ourselves for doing what we are doing only encourages self-loathing. We are not bad or wrong. In fact, we're pretty darn smart. We found ways to alleviate our trauma, injuries and pain, and maybe get love and attention. That's pretty smart, isn't it?
I should just stop eating so much, drinking alcohol, smoking, exhausting myself from obsessional exercises, being busy, hesitating, pleasing people, etc. Just peasy – just stop right? Not when we have an "internal struggle".
What do I mean? Part of us believe that we have to do these things in order to feel safe or to be loved and accepted by others. That is why they are called "survival mechanisms". This part of us doesn't understand logic and reason. it understands emotions and feelings.
It needs to be loved and feel protected and safe, and it uses these things to meet those needs. Letting go is like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. Pretty damn scary, isn't it?
That happens internally : e Fear of letting go consumes us, and appears mostly as an anxious feeling ; then we resume our survival mechanism to calm this feeling down. It's like walking on a hamster wheel but not really getting anywhere.
When I was little I used food to deal with the environment in which I lived. I was constantly told I was bad and wrong, and food helped ease my feelings of insecurity. It actually became an obsession and the only thing that interested me.
My whole focus in life was how to get food to comfort myself. I was teased for being fat by the popular girls, and I heard it at home from my dad who called me "fat, fat two times four".
I didn't know what was going on at the time. I just knew that I just wanted to eat. Then when I was thirteen my doctor told me to go on a diet, and when I was fifteen I entered my first hospital for anorexia.
For the next twenty-three years of my life, anorexia, my coping mechanism, was the only thing that interested me, and I also had sub-symptoms like anxiety, cuts, and depression.
I existed but did not live. My days and nights were consumed trying to cope with life through food and exercise. What kind of life how?
I thought I was going to protect myself, but really, I was living in a prison; I was the prison guard and the prisoner of my own creation. But I couldn't stop. It was as if this "thing" had held me.
I cried and cried that it should go away, but it took control of my life every day. I wanted someone to save me from this thing, but the more I tried to let go, the more it lasted.
Even after 23 years of therapy and hospitals and treatment centers, it was still my savior.
So how did it finally let go? I took my healing into my own hands. I was determined to experience happiness, love, and inner peace.
This was a process, not an overnight fix, but I started healing the unresolved issues that made me feel unsafe and understood the purpose of my survival mechanisms for me and to love and accept me unconditionally. In this way, anorexia, fear, cutting and depression no longer needed my attention and I released these symptoms.
You see, the thing that was holding me was really my friend; It was my protector and it worked until it stopped working. Instead of trying to get rid of it, I incorporated it. No further survival mechanism had to be taken up now. instead we became loving friends.
Unhealthy coping mechanisms do not free us; They are only one way to numb our trauma, pain, and pain, but they also keep us from really living.
When we understand what we are trying to cope with rather than running or stunned, we can see what we really need, meet those needs and experience inner peace. This is called loving re-education. Because this is what loving parenting looks like: kindness, understanding, compassion and care instead of judgment, criticism and abandonment.
Trying to get rid of a symptom like overeating, cutting or smoking fights against our own biology. By making peace with listening with compassion and understanding, we can help that part of us meet its needs, and most of the time the symptom naturally disappears
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This has helped me rid myself of the symptoms that got hold of me, and here is a way for you to get started today if this resonates.
1. Accept who you are and what you experience. Replace judgment with compassion, knowing that with what you know today, you are doing the best you can, and that you will learn and grow as you go.
2. Take a deep breath close your eyes and imagine you are talking to your unhealthy survival mechanism.
3. Ask: “Why are you here? What is your purpose "
4. Ask what it takes so that it no longer has to draw your attention to the symptoms you are having.
For example, the part of you who has binge eating may let you know that there needs to be a safe place to process and express your feelings, a place where you are unconditionally seen, heard, loved and accepted . It can also let you know it's time to learn how to set healthy boundaries.
Or the part of you that has depression lets you know that it is tired of trying so hard to meet other people's expectations as you should be and it is time for you, yourself to honor and find ways to meet your needs so that you don't feel so powerless.
For each "symptom" it can also be helpful to understand the secondary gain. Ask yourself, "In this way, how can I get love, attention, and someone to take care of me so I don't have to take personal responsibility or fail as a person?"
5. Find ways to meet your needs. Tell yourself: “I give myself permission to take loving care of myself and do good for my body and my health. I am loved I am safe. "
6. Practice awareness becoming aware of our thoughts, feelings and actions. In this way we can see what is really going on internally and what requires compassion, love, healing and a new understanding.
When we ask ourselves: "Why do I think, feel and act like that?" We may become aware of core beliefs like "I am not lovable" or "I am unworthy". Because of these core beliefs, we feel, think, act and perceive who we are. Of course, if we believed we were fundamentally bad, we would treat ourselves badly.
When we understand what the driver really is, we can begin to heal the childhood wounds that created these beliefs and then change our self-image. In this way we naturally begin to think, feel, and act differently.
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This is a process and it is different for everyone. The key is to be compassionate and loving with everything you experience and remember that nothing is wrong with you. Even if you experience "symptoms" that seem unacceptable to society, the truth is that you are a beautiful, precious, lovable being who deserves to be healed and is worthy of a wonderful and fulfilling journey in life.
About Debra Mittler
Debra Mittler is a warm and compassionate healer with a unique ability to touch people's hearts and souls. She enjoys helping others to love and accept each other unconditionally, to feel at peace in her body and to live authentically. A leading authority in overcoming obstacles, Debra supports her clients by owning a space of unconditional love and providing encouragement, powerful tools, and valuable insights to enable them to experience and listen to their own inner wisdom.
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