“The power of the now can only be realized now. It doesn't take time or effort. Effort means that you are trying to get somewhere and therefore are not present and embrace this moment as it is. "~ Eckhart Tolle
Eight years ago I was very depressed. All I wanted was to stop feeling this way and dreamed of escaping my body. I struggled with depression for many years and was afraid that I would feel this way forever.
Someone recommended that I take a mindfulness based course. This turned out to be one of the most helpful parts of my trip. The therapist suggested that I should learn to sit with my feelings instead of resisting them, but that terrified me. I was scared of my feelings and thought that accepting them meant accepting that they would be there forever.
But as I practiced the skills of mindfulness and emergency tolerance, I noticed that they often moved more easily when I accepted my feelings. At least I didn't make them worse by worrying about them. I realized that I had made the depression and anxiety worse by defying my feelings.
Connect with the present moment
I suspect this is a general struggle and the solution may feel counter-intuitive. Many people fear that if they let their feelings be felt they will take them over. However, when I make room for my emotions without acting on them, sometimes there is pain and I might cry, but it is more of a clean pain than mental agony, and it doesn't last that long.
I also find that connecting with the present moment helps me create a small space in my head when my thoughts start to weigh on me.
It is easy to think about the past, worry about the future, or wish the future would hurry up and arrive. When I notice this happening now, I am grounding myself in the present moment by listening to the sounds around me, noticing my feet touch the ground and my breath flowing in and out, and I feel calmer.
Observe your thoughts and feelings
I learned to watch my thoughts instead of adding a story to them. Emotions cannot last forever on their own. I've heard that the natural lifespan of an emotion is around ninety seconds. But we can keep them alive longer by thinking of them, being afraid of them, and resisting them. Emotions come and go like anything else in life.
After I had the ability to create distance from my thoughts and not let my emotions consume me, I was able to take measures to make my life better, even if I did not feel like it. I've done my best to embrace life for what it was instead of focusing on how I would like it to be.
That doesn't mean that sometimes I haven't fought, but embracing the present moment helps me get through these times more constructively. I don't think my relationship with my partner would have worked if I hadn't learned these skills before we met.
Stop opposing the present
A few years later I'm in Colombia, South America, where my partner is from. I was visiting his family when Covid-19 hit.
Like many people, I no longer had the freedom and independence that I was used to. Instead of living in the city as expected, we lived in his parents' city and my partner worked from home. I didn't get the chance to take a Spanish course or get a job as I planned and at times I felt lost. After six months, I became desperate, but I couldn't go back to Australia even if I wanted to.
During a tearful conversation, my partner suggested that maybe I was defying the situation too much. There was nothing we could do about it, and I only made myself worse by defying reality.
The next day my sister suggested reading Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. It totally changed my perspective. I was reminded that everything was fine in the present moment before me. When I was thinking about the future, I came to a dark place.
Stop the mental journey through time
Just like when I was depressed, I thought, "I can't take this anymore! How much longer will it be?" And just like when I accepted the current situation, it didn't seem that bad. I started enjoying my free time and enjoying my time there because I knew that nothing lasts forever, good or bad.
I read books, did yoga, lay in the hammock and learned Spanish. These were all things I did before, but it felt different. I didn't resist being in Colombia any more, I was just there. I didn't want to be home anymore or worry about how long it would take. And that allowed me to enjoy the beautiful, unique things of this season.
I slowed down and let myself stare at the trees and listen to the birds. I enjoyed the opportunity to meet my in-laws and my fiancé's culture. Sometimes, when I stop now and listen to the silence, I feel a deep sense of peace and joy.
Act when you can
If there had been something I could have done to change things, of course I would have. I am not advocating passive submission or fatalism. Sometimes we need to take action, set boundaries, and be proactive. When you stop defying the present, you can see things for what they really are. This can allow you to focus on the action you can take now instead of focusing on the future.
But when we cannot do anything, it is often more powerful to accept this present moment than to worry about all the coming moments. You will know what to do when the time to act.
Handover saves energy
When you are dealing with a situation that you cannot control, then can you go back to your body and what is around you here and now? Can you make space for existing emotions and allow them to move through you? Focus on the one breath you are taking. What can you feel, see, smell, taste and hear?
Surrendering to the present is like floating on your back instead of kicking around in the water and trying to get out. Trust that you will eventually drift safely to shore. Not only does this save energy, but it also allows you to enjoy positive results in your current situation because, like the difficult things, the good things will not last forever. The present moment is all we have, and in some ways, it's all that is real.
It is a practice
I'm not naive enough to believe that I won't have any more bad days. This is part of being human, especially when we are tired, hormonal, or stressed. I can forget this lesson and have to relearn it in a new context. I suspect it's something I'll practice for the rest of my life and that's fine. But I hope the next time I can catch myself a little earlier when I resist, instead of just being in the present moment – where I inevitably find peace.
About Ella
Ella is a social worker who is passionate about mental health. She loves to write, hike and watch movies. You can read more of her work on her blog, Mind Balance Café.
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