"If you feel good about yourself, you look beautiful regardless of flaws." ~ Emily Deschanel
I started to wonder how I looked at the age of eight after other children commented that my twin sister was cuter / prettier than me. During my youth, I was bullied and ugly because of my appearance. Like many others, I have believed for many years that everything would have been easier if I had looked better.
When I was eighteen when I left home for military service (compulsory in Israel), I received positive feedback from men and felt much better about my appearance. Even so, for many years there was a large gap between how I perceive myself and how others saw me.
Today, at fifty-one, I have finally come to terms with my appearance, although I look anything but perfect.
In my work I meet many women, some traditionally beautiful, others with a pleasant appearance and charm who have the feeling that because of their appearance there is no chance that someone would want them. And I know children and young people who think that something is wrong with them and who are ashamed because they don't look like models.
Accepting how we look really depends on developing self-esteem and self-love. Still, today I want to share with you ten steps that can change the way you relate to your appearance and your body.
1. Clean your social media feeds of anything that makes you feel bad about yourself and your body.
Any time you scroll through social media and come across pictures or ideas that make you feel bad about your life or looks, stop following that person or page.
You can tell yourself that certain content motivates you to change, but you cannot bring about change from a place of self-judgment, jealousy or fear. So if you choose to follow someone, make sure that their content really inspires you and helps you feel better, not worse.
2. Do not try to force yourself to love a part of the body that you do not like.
I know I might break a myth here, but you don't have to love every part of your body to love yourself.
Trying to force yourself to love a part of the body that bothers you can do more harm than good, as it uses up life energy and provokes harmful self-judgment when you fail.
If you don't like the look of a particular part, you can still focus on its good properties, such as strength, function, or the pleasure it can bring you.
For example, the breasts that you judge to be too small can produce all of the milk your baby needs. And those legs that seem too big to you could allow you to hike and enjoy the outdoors.
3. Think of people you love and appreciate who do not look perfect.
I know it's hard to stop believing that attractiveness is the key to happiness. So I don't expect this step and the next to radically change the way you perceive yourself. Even so, I think it's important to use them as a reality check from time to time.
First, make a list of at least five people you love, appreciate, or look up to, who do not look perfect, but who you still find beautiful, charming, or attractive.
Now think about what makes these people attractive to you.
I bet what you like most about them is their heart and personality, which we often forget to consider when we are so engrossed in our shortcomings.
I remember my mother always looking at me with admiration and saying how beautiful I was. But since I didn't think I was beautiful, it always annoyed me.
Now that my beloved nephew is a teenager, that's how I look at him. While he inspects his appearance with critical eyes and mostly finds flaws, I see a handsome young man with the biggest heart I have ever seen, extraordinary wisdom and a unique personality, and he takes my breath away.
4. Think of people who do not look perfect and are in happy relationships.
When you insist that a worthy person wants you "if only …" (you had bigger breasts, blond hair, or weighed three pounds less or were four inches taller), think about people you know and who are in happy relationships with great people even though they don't have what you think is perfect.
Make a list of five or more such people as a reminder that someone out there would find you as perfect as you are.
Realizing that you don't have to look perfect to be lovable can help you accept yourself and stop wasting energy obsessed with your looks.
5. Nourish your body with things that are good for it and that you find satisfying.
On the way to love ourselves and our bodies, people often suggest feeding our body only healthy foods.
While I largely agree, it is easy to become obsessed and hate yourself every time you eat something that is considered unhealthy.
Twenty eight years ago when I got rid of an eating disorder, I incorporated the foods that made me binge eating into my daily diet, and now I don't feel the need to overeat them.
In this way I eat more balanced, experience more joy and eliminate feelings of guilt.
And the happiest result of this decision is that I was able to lose the extra weight I was carrying and become completely free from obsession with food and weight – which means that I am now much more comfortable in my own skin.
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6. Don't force yourself to do mirror work.
Another frequent recommendation, which I personally consider to be ineffective, is the so-called "mirror work". That means standing in front of the mirror and praising your body.
If there are parts of the body that you don't like and you feel down every time you see them in the mirror instead of examining them closely from the least flattering angles, look at your body in dim light. This way, you can enjoy your look without seeing all the little flaws that no one sees but you.
If mirror work works for you, that's great. But if you're like me, be good to yourself and give it up.
7. Maintain a strong and healthy body.
The love for our body is not only based on the fact that we like our appearance, but also on the fact that we feel healthy and strong and can enjoy the capabilities of our body.
For example, I am very proud of my body, which is stronger today than ever before.
The best thing Covid has done for me is forcing me to leave the gym. I started practicing yoga at home and today I can take much more advanced classes than a year ago. I recently started running on the beach too, and a few days ago I did my first six mile run!
To maintain a strong and healthy body, include physical activity in your daily life. It can play sports, dance, run, walk, or hike in nature. And if you can't find an activity that you enjoy, focus on getting the good feeling your chosen activity makes.
8. Stop talking insultingly to and about yourself.
Statements like “no normal man would ever want someone with hips like mine” are not only detached from reality, but also extremely insulting towards themselves.
If you have already completed step 5 (people who are not yet perfect are in happy relationships) you must have realized that many worthy people choose imperfect looking partners because they are, which is far more important than a perfect one Look!
So talk to yourself (and about yourself) while talking to someone you love rather than from a place of self-loathing. You don't have to say the part you don't like is attractive, but if you stop judging it, the way you feel about it can change.
Also pay attention when tempted to talk to others about your physical deficiencies. The more you focus on your perceived flaws, the more you will become obsessed with them and the less energy you will have to focus on the many beautiful things about you that have nothing to do with your appearance.
9. Set your boundaries with people who make you feel bad about your body.
It is important to spend time with people who love your body for what it is.
If you are in a relationship with someone who keeps knocking you down for how you look, don't downplay it or justify it.
You can tell yourself that you are only being honest, but you don't have to be perfect for someone to love you and no one who really loves you would ever judge you by your looks or talk to you.
Even if they say they are merely encouraging you to take care of your health, you don't have to tolerate gruesome comments about your appearance or constant reminders that it is better not to eat too much.
If someone around you comments on your appearance, you will learn how to use them to set boundaries. Tell them that you feel uncomfortable discussing your appearance with them and that you are no longer participating in such a conversion, or move physically away from the situation in which they are causing you to fall.
10. Practice meditation!
Ultimately, whether we are talking about happiness, self-love or body acceptance, I recommend practicing meditation (or more precisely, practicing the ability to be present in the moment).
Only when we are present here and now can we clearly see the reality that lies ahead, rather than the distorted reality that our minds create, and feel who we really are – not just a body, but a Heart and soul.
When we are present, we are simply in our bodies instead of judging them, and therefore we are automatically in a state of self-acceptance. Then our true beauty shines through naturally.
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