"And when I thought" I can't go on, "the universe expanded, Mother Earth hummed and the moon whispered," Yes, you can "." ~ Bad Words
heartache. The feeling that so many of us would pay a lot of (BIG) money to jump through. I can't tell you how many times I've heard (and heard myself say): "I just want to skip this part and fast forward when I feel better."
I fell in love unexpectedly, but when is it ever expected? I had just been through a terrible breakup and this perfect man for me fell from the sky. He made me feel safe, loved, and so happy.
We were like each other sometimes, it was scary! I felt like the happiest girl in the world. I still had a few demons from my previous relationship to work through, and he was nothing more than patient with me. I finally had my love, which also turned out to be my best friend.
He would call me his "future fiance" and leave me the sweetest love letters. I thought my heart could explode if I felt so happy.
After some time, the love of my life no longer wanted to be in our relationship for various reasons.
The person I thought I was getting married sat on the couch next to me and told me he didn't want to be with me. He would rather be alone than with me. How's that for a stab in your insecurities?
I felt out of control. I was angry, I tried to negotiate, I cried, I panicked – all phases of grief. The way I behaved, you'd think someone was going to die, but in fact, those who have attachment issues feel like someone is leaving us – it feels like someone has died.
We get used to being with this person. Our person, our best friend, our lover who knows us best is gone and everything is different. We feel lonely. We feel unworthy.
We feel like we're going crazy without this person. At some point I was so tied to him that I had several panic attacks because I couldn't change his mind. I felt like my world was going to go under.
I couldn't understand why this was happening. I later realized that I was dependent on my partner (and earlier). I didn't know how to be happy in my life without her. This had happened too many times to count, and I was tired of bottoming out every time.
I remembered how happy I was in my relationship and I wanted this happiness back and would do anything to get it.
After several attempts to convince him to think again and to be rejected several times, I fell into a deep depression. I blamed myself for everything that had happened and went through everything I had done wrong to get him to leave.
I remember being in so much pain that I was crying on the floor, wrapped in my thoughts; nothing else mattered.
One day when I was panicked and depressed, my family and friends called and tried to help me get out of the hole I had put myself in. I heard it, but it didn't work. Nobody could help me and nothing that anyone could say or do could relieve my pain. It was up to me.
I didn't want to die, but I wanted to escape the pain. From my thoughts. I wanted someone else's life. I would look at other people in the supermarket and think about how normal they looked. If only I could have that to actually feel normal and have a normal day like everyone else had.
I felt so alone. Although many people said they understood it at the time, it didn't feel that way. I kept asking other people if they could tell something. This would help.
I took anxiety medicine just so I could sleep for a while and not think about what was going on. But waking up made it worse. I would wake up and remember that the love of my life had decided that life without me was better.
After I was there several times, many calls to my ex and a lot of rejection, I was exhausted. I had no options left and I was tired of feeling out of control as if I was about to lose my mind at any moment. I had to change something. I had to survive. And it was just me.
When I was always looking for help, I looked online for books and articles that could help me understand myself better and why I kept bottoming out after separations. I found many insightful things and my friends and family helped me a lot with their wisdom.
In the following I would like to share the advice that my family and friends gave me, which touched my heart and helped me to survive this difficult time, and how I not only returned to myself, but came back even better am.
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Know that you are worthy.
When someone leaves us, we feel rejected or abandoned, and we believe it is because we are unworthy. We believe that we are not good enough to be loved, because if we were, our ex would have stayed.
You are worth it before you even take your first breath. The actions of other people have nothing to do with our worthiness. The most important love we can receive is love from ourselves. If you feel rejected, take care of yourself. Be nice to yourself. Give yourself comfort and love.
Take it hour by hour.
My mother always told me to take it hour by hour. I would tell my friend I will make it to 9:00 am today and that is all I will focus on. And I did it. Then I said next I would make it by 10 a.m. and I did it. I always lost the count when it was just before lunch and before I knew it the day was over!
If we think too far into the future, it can be very overwhelming. I love to plan and control, so this is a difficult question for me. But I know that when I feel anxious, it's because I'm trying to control the future. This is a time to focus on the present and trust that you will get through it if you take it day after day.
Remember that you will always be fine.
For me, the worst bouts of heartache were the panic attacks and anxiety. I started thinking that I was no longer with myself, and then asked a series of questions that only made me worse. Why did you leave me? I will not survive if you go out with someone else. What if I'm out of order without her? Before I knew it, I was in a spiral hole that made me physically ill.
I had to ask myself what I really feared. It all boiled down to the same topic: that I wasn't okay; that I would feel extreme pain. I wouldn't be okay because someone wasn't there? So that meant that my well-being and feeling of security depended on someone?
If my feeling of security depended on someone else, I would never really be safe (no matter who was in my life). I would always have to rely on others for my sense of security. The reality is that I am the only person who can feel safe. I will always be there for myself, even if it is nobody else.
One of the best advice my mother gave me was how she had done it to create a solid foundation in me. My stepfather said you need to get to the point that you know you will be fine no matter what tragedy you are facing. When my panic set in, I breathed and remembered that I would be fine no matter what.
I had a habit of letting my thoughts go through me, so it took practice. After a while I felt a solid foundation in me. I felt resilience and strength that would always remain. I knew I could handle whatever life put in my way.
Believe that good will arises from this.
When I started to wriggle into a hole of rethinking and fear of what had happened, I remembered that it was for a reason. It was very difficult to understand, but I kept saying to myself that this would not happen unless something great came out of it.
When I thought back to all the times I had hit rock bottom, I remembered the good that came from these situations. My best growth came from those times. Why should it be different this time? I decided that in the end I would get the absolute best no matter what.
Find an exit for your pain.
I write angrily. I scribble and cry, write in large and small letters, write in gibberish, cry more on the pages and then feel super dramatic when I see tears falling on the paper. And when I write really terrible things, I sometimes burn them.
What is your exit for pain? To run? Boxes? Screaming in a pillow? Punch pillow? To dance? Do what your heart desires. When you have an exit for your pain, you feel so much easier.
Accept love.
During one of my low points after a breakup, one of my good friends painted my nails for me. It was such a loving act that I didn't even ask for it! Every time I looked down on her I felt beautiful and was reminded of how great my friend was for it.
My other good friend brought me dinner one evening. What a blessing! Eating is one of the things that I neglected in my dark moments. In which areas do you feel that you are neglecting yourself? Could a loved one help you from time to time?
Change your thoughts, change your way of thinking.
Note when you start thinking about your ex, your memories, the breakup, etc. How do you feel about these thoughts? Note, if you feel sad or crazy, this is mainly due to a thought you had. How do you change that?
We tend to reflect what happened during the breakup or the memories of the relationship. Switch your thoughts to something that feels better than a good memory that you have with your friends, or imagine a dream that comes true every time a negative thought arises. This will replace the negative feeling with something you enjoy.
Creating new habits.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard that, and finally I can vouch for it: it takes 30 days to create a habit! I started practicing yoga and meditation every day. I was listening to podcasts and inspiring videos when I was getting ready in the morning. (Helpful hint: Save podcasts in advance so that you don't waste time searching in the morning.)
I never really believed people when they said that movement changes your mood, but it actually does! And also for my hormones, bless them. Before you know it, these habits become so simple. You will feel in control of your life and feel great.
Practice gratitude.
Gratitude has so many advantages. Gratitude helps me when my head is riddled with negative thoughts, when my chatter is just too much and when I have a pity party.
I like to write down what I am thankful for every day, no matter how small or large. It changes your perspective, it puts you in the present and it changes your energy! A gratitude journal is also great to have. You will notice so many things about your day that you can look back and smile.
Make an appointment.
This is the best time to learn more about YOU. What do you like? What do you like about yourself What do you want to improve? What do you like about a partner? What is a deal breaker for you?
How do you behave in different situations? What do your thinking habits repeat for you? What are some of the activities that make you happy right now? What are your dreams? This is your time.
Choose mercy.
I don't know anything about you, but I'm a recovering perfectionist. If I haven't 100 percent away from something, I think I'm not doing enough to get over it. Healing takes time! Give yourself mercy because it is loving.
Would you keep asking your best friend why she's not over her heartache yet? No! That would be loveless, she needs mercy. Do you feel impatient with your progress or are you beating yourself? GRACEFULNESS. Only cried on the couch for hours, even though you had two great weeks? GRACEFULNESS. Did you act in such a way that you felt bad later? These are old habits, my friend – grace. As I write this article, I must remember to have compassion for my healing.
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Heartbreak feels like the worst feeling in the world, but it is ultimately our greatest growth opportunity. Heartache makes us fall in love with ourselves again after we hit rock bottom.
Instead of wanting to “fast forward” from this time, take it day after day and remember that your heart is expanding, your strength is becoming your foundation, your grace is beautiful and you are doing many wonderful things have up to.
About Lauren Bolos
Lauren lives in Florida and loves to write in her spare time. She likes to write and write poems and fiction. She wants to be able to help others who have heartache. This is her first article to be published. You can visit her blog at asimplejoy.weebly.com/
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