“You could have gotten cold, but you got brave instead. You could have given up, but you kept going. You could have seen obstacles, but you called them adventures. You could have called them weeds, but instead you called them wildflowers. You could have died a caterpillar, but you kept fighting to be a butterfly. You could have refused to be kind, but instead you chose to show some self-love. You could have defined yourself through the dark days, but instead you recognized your light through them. "~ S.C. Lourie
I recently read a message from Kirk Franklin: “Two twin boys were raised by an alcoholic father. One became an alcoholic and when asked what happened, he said, "I was watching my father." The other grew up and never drank in his life. When asked what happened, he said, "I was watching my father." Two boys, the same father, two different perspectives. Your life perspective will determine your fate. "
One study reported that an alcoholic's child developed addiction eight times more often than a child who did not grow up with an alcoholic parent.
I spoke to various people who said something like, "My grandpa was struggling with an addiction, my father was struggling with an addiction, so it was inevitable that I would do the same."
Let me stop you right there and tell you that you have absolute power to stop the cycle.
I grew up with a father fighting drug abuse, and I learned early on that I had a choice of how I would lead my own life.
Would I go into the same habits and live with a victim mentality that believes I have no other options? Or would I step forward and know that I have the strength to shape my life for myself?
I don't know who needs to hear this today, but it must be known that the struggle you saw in your family need not be your own.
For many families across the country, the addiction battle is difficult to break through, but not impossible.
Do not allow the world to make you believe that just because your parents, grandparents, uncles / aunts have had problems, you also have to live out your days in battle. There is no need to define who you are and what you do. You have the power to break the cycle and start over for your family. That's how it works.
Focus on the things you can control.
We have a choice every day. We can take steps to move forward or stay rooted in past injuries. We may not be in control of everything that happens in our lives, but we are in control of how we react.
You may not be able to control the person you love and who has to deal with addiction, but you are responsible for yourself – and how you allow it to influence you.
No matter how much you want, you cannot change the people around you. You can only control your own thoughts, actions and reactions.
Recognize that you can choose to respond to the pain of living with an addict by continuing the addiction cycle – or you can be the one who ends it. You can learn from their mistakes, find healthier ways to deal with your feelings, and live a life of your choice.
Let other people in.
Seeing a loved one struggle with addiction can leave a lasting impression and affect your life in many ways that you may not recognize. You can even try to sweep your feelings under the rug. Instead of trying to erase painful memories, seek professional advice from an individual or group who can tell you that you are not alone and have support.
For many years I felt that I was the only person I knew and whose parents had to deal with an addiction. When I finally had the courage, I decided to take part in a community event for families with addiction.
It was incredibly insightful to better understand my father's fight against drug abuse. It also allowed me to connect and learn from other people my age on a deeper level while letting go of the belief that I was alone in what I had experienced.
Turn your pain into a purpose.
Your family's addiction story can lead to embarrassment, pain, and confusion. Seeing someone you love fall victim to substance abuse can create a range of emotions – from anger to disbelief to disappointment. If you don't address your feelings directly, you will likely look for ways to suppress them.
So instead of numbing your pain, turn it into a purpose.
It takes a lot of strength to stop and start the addiction cycle again. By sharing your experience with others, you can inspire those who are in your shoes. Her story has a message of courage and hope that can make a difference in many lives.
It took me almost thirty years to get to a place where I knew it was time to share my story about my father's fight against drug abuse. I kept it inside me because of shame, guilt, and the fear that others would judge me because of the stigma of addiction.
When I was in a room where I could share my story, many people began to openly share their experiences with it. We never know what someone else is struggling with. and we never know how our story could help them or inspire them. These words "me too" offer other peace of mind and remind them that they are not alone.
Let go to free yourself.
One of the greatest qualities a person can have is the ability to forgive themselves and others. Unfortunately, too often, a person with additional luggage passes through life that has burdened them for years and sometimes even decades.
I have spoken to many people fighting addiction and they often talk about how much they feel hurt when someone is inflicted on them and how they have turned to their addiction to numb the pain.
Resentment and unwillingness to forgive keep you in the past and prevent you from advancing your life. Remember: when you forgive, you are not doing it for the other person. you do it to free yourself
I know what you think: "But you don't know what they did to me."
Forgiveness does not mean that you apologize for your behavior; it means that you stop playing it in your head again and give it time and emotional energy.
You can be unforgiving, but it will cost you joy.
You can bear bitterness, but it will cost you peace.
You may think that you don't deserve to be forgiven, maybe you don't, but you deserve relief.
As Carl Jung said: "I am not what happened to me. I am what I want to be. "
About Ashley Surma
Ashley Surma is the founder of For The Good, a community created to elevate and empower you to a purpose-built life. Together with her husband Jordan, she hosts the podcast "For The Good". She is currently writing a book on the power of resilience and how to turn pain into meaning. You can contact her on Instagram at Instagram.com/forthegoodofficial and instragram / ashsurma or on Facebook.
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