I in our westernized culture tend to maintain a predominant approach to managing our relationships that involves setting boundaries. Therefore, our therapy practices and cultures often emphasize the setting of boundaries as a key element in developing and maintaining “healthy” relationships. The United States is mostly engaged in an individualistic culture that can promote and maintain borders in order to protect and even nurture a relationship with the self.
But what about cultures in which the family is the focus and the boundaries are often blurred? What is considered “healthy” in such cultures – and who defines that? These are called collectivist cultures. In collectivist cultures, family members identify closely with one another and often make decisions for the family as a whole rather than for themselves. Sacrifice, honor and loyalty are some of the core values of such families and cultures. For example, saying no to the family or restricting simple family events or dinners can be seen as selfish and impolite.
Imagine Maryam, a married mother of two, tired from her work week but asked to host the weekly family dinner. This meeting includes grandparents, uncles, cousins and of course mom, dad and siblings. Maryam rushes to the store and then home to cook a very elaborate rice and stew dish. The family arrives early, which adds fear to their already exhausted state of mind.
Later that week, Maryam attends her therapy session. Your therapist suggests setting boundaries and saying no, hosting these events in the future, or suggesting that her sister Fara host the next time. Maryam agrees, but she is fighting because it would mean making a decision for yourself and relying solely on her own needs. Although this can be considered "healthy" by the prevailing culture, it causes Maryam more stress and now adds guilt. Maryam may not even feel comfortable sharing these new thoughts with her therapist due to the limitations of her culture of origin of respecting authority (she could possibly see the therapist as the expert and the authority).
Implementable limits
As providers of mental illnesses, what are we doing in the case of Maryam?
First, we can confirm and normalize their emotions. Next, we can ask questions so she can continue to express herself and think about possible solutions. In conversation with her, we may at some point discover that she is stressed, but at the same time happy to see and accommodate her family. No behavior change may be required here; Rather, it may be enough for Maryam to express feelings in a safe place and to feel heard by the counselor. She may need help in identifying her emotions in order to express them further.
If Maryam continues to share concerns about her level of fatigue, it may be helpful to suggest what I call a “workable limit” that takes into account her culture and values. That workable limit could simply be adjusting the time everyone arrives so that Maryam does not have some time to rest until she arrives home.
A practicable limit is flexible. It is not rigid how typical boundaries are perceived or promoted. It is comparable to a compromise and respects the culture of origin and the needs of the customer. Flexibility can prioritize the customer's culture and enable the customer to choose what is practical.
Deviating from the rigor of a black and white approach in defining boundaries can be more extensive. The less we owe people to self-care and self-prioritization, the more we can become aware of their needs, desires, values and cultures. Some individuals in collectivist cultures gain energy, pride, strength and honor when the family is healthy and happy.
Prioritization of customer limits
The connection of emotions, identity and well-being in a collectivist family and culture of origin is complex and requires respect for extraordinary and unique boundaries. Roles and authority can fulfill a special function in the collectivist family experience.
For example, in my personal collectivist family experience, as well as in my work as a consultant with college and high school students with collectivist cultural backgrounds, I have learned that even the majors we have chosen for our college experience are from ours stem from family values and expectations. We honored our families by choosing to become accountants, doctors and engineers, among other things. We fought and wanted to stop. Yet many of us continued on this path to a field that was chosen for us primarily through the influence of our collectivist cultures and families.
Boundary setting experts may advise students who are feeling stressed to pursue their own career path, which would encourage them to deviate from the family norm. Here is an opportunity for us to remember our consultancy ethics and to prioritize our clients' values over our own and even those of the prevailing culture here in the United States. We can work to be culturally humble and learn to navigate and negotiate values as clients would like to apply them in their own lives.
The aim of those seeking advice in the university advice center can simply be to feel humbly supported in their time of being stuck or longing for a change of subject. Your wish can only be not to feel alone. What seems simple can be forgotten because we are often inundated by the prevailing cultural norm of first pursuing our own dreams and goals. While students and clients report that they experienced pressure, they can also state that they are proud of their struggles and motivated to pursue this family dream, especially if they have a collectivist migrant background.
In collectivist cultures the decision of who to marry can also be a family-based decision. Boundaries can be perceived as vague. Those outside of these families and cultures may view these family roles and relationships as examples of unhealthy entanglement. Nonetheless, in some cultures, family honor will continue to be the number one concern when such an important decision is made. After all, a romantic partner is commonly considered a new member of the family. Therefore, the decision in these cultures requires the consent of the family.
Advising a person who deals with such circumstances and decisions may require further value assessments to be offered to aid the decision-making process. If family is the client's most important asset, this could aid the client's decision to include the family in the choice of a life partner. The premature setting of boundaries based on individualistic cultural norms can prevent family members from playing their traditional roles in individual life.
What may be difficult to understand in the prevailing culture – including the high esteem for duty, honor and authority – is part of the traditional fabric in some collectivist cultures. We often assume that it is harmful for others to choose our life partners. However, in many cultures this is viewed as the practice of respecting authority and feeling honored to receive this input and possible blessings. Some clients are excited to take part in these life partner trips with the support and input of their parents and families. Other clients can't, and that's fine too. Seeing boundaries from a broader, more culturally inclusive perspective is to stop making assumptions about what is "healthy" and desirable for all clients and stop promoting only the prevailing culture's view of boundaries .
A non-presumptuous approach can lead to a greater appreciation of the client's worldview, needs, and ability to make decisions with the assistance of the therapist. Open-minded, non-dominant cultural perspectives can further promote this process. Such steps can also lead to less guilt, potential shame and frustration on the part of clients who experience the world as bicultural (i.e. negotiating and identifying with two cultures).
It is often more convenient to follow the expectations of the dominant culture. Likewise, less judgment is often required in choosing the norms of the prevailing culture. However, this can be detrimental to those who value and possibly choose to value collectivist cultural values and norms in some areas of life. The pressure many feel in such situations can be overwhelming. For example: want to live at home beyond the age of 18, want to go out with a person chosen by their parents, want to name their child with a family name of their own choosing.
These are just a few examples of the many decisions that children and adults who are bicultural are confronted with (and which they prefer to make) that others may see as "blurring the boundaries". The therapy setting can provide an open, safe space for clients to make and explore the decisions that are best for them, taking into account all cultures involved, rather than just focusing on the expectations of the prevailing culture. Consultants can put aside the borderline trend, which may seem liberating at first, but can actually be confusing for some people with this cultural background. By toning down the notion that inflexible demarcation is the "healthy" option in dealing with interpersonal relationships and life choices, the lifestyles and complexities experienced and preferred by many culturally diverse individuals and families can be incorporated and explored.
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Culturally integrative practices
I am a bicultural American therapist with a migrant background and a person who, both personally and in meetings, has experienced and navigated the guilt that can arise from the border-setting expectations of the prevailing culture. When choosing my life partner, I practiced strict demarcation with family members in my collectivist culture. In making the decision to go to graduate school for a PhD, the boundaries were workable, blurred, and sometimes intertwined with my family's dreams and goals.
I have helped many different clients find their way around different areas of life, including their grief other than their families, by setting workable boundaries that reflect both their cultural and individual needs. The following steps can support more culturally integrative practices for navigating boundaries in collectivist cultures.
>> Develop and ask questions or prompts that reduce the potential for “dominant cultural language”, such as “your needs” and even the word “limit”. Instead, consider adding the terms "cultural considerations" and "family needs linked to your needs and desires" to your language. One possible question that you can clarify with the customer is, for example: “I heard you have a hard time doing this. How can you meet the needs of your family that may seem to influence your needs, especially at the weekly family meals? ”
>> Discover the topic of guilt with clients. How does guilt affect you personally and emotionally? Does it apply to their identity, role and culture? How do feelings of guilt arise at all when one thinks about boundaries with family members, partners or friends?
>> Investigate what the word "limit" means to the customer. Does it have a meaning? Is it culturally relevant to them or is it a new concept? How would you like to integrate it, if at all, into your wellness trip?
>> provide psychoeducation on borderline practices for potential emotional well-being while acknowledging cultural implications. Then ask for feedback and reactions. What does the customer think of this concept? Do you agree or disagree? Why? Would you like to research these practices in your life?
>> Finally, you individualize the boundary-setting practices in order to respect the client's culture, needs and desires. Assess what these practices are and introduce concepts such as workable boundaries or more innovative ways that can work for the client in an inclusive style. Implement a feedback model in therapy to assess the client's satisfaction with such strategies.
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Shabnam Brady holds a PhD in counseling psychology. She is a therapist, professor, author, and founder of Therapy for Immigrants (@therapyforimmigrants), an Instagram community that aims to raise awareness and expand mental health inclusion practices for migrant communities. Contact them at [email protected].
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