“Gas light from parents can reach into adulthood, but it may have been particularly harmful to you in your childhood. Children have to learn to trust themselves, and being taught that what they see, hear or feel is not real can lead to a life of self-doubt. "~ Suzannah Weiss
Some of us grew up in families where our feelings and what we experienced were denied or pushed aside, which some people call "gas light".
What is it? When someone – often our caregivers / parents – sows doubts in our heads that make us question our own sense of personal truth and reality.
You have convinced us well that we did not see what we saw. we didn't feel how we felt; and we didn't want what we wanted.
This left us very confused about what was true and when we were growing up it was difficult for us to trust ourselves. We were looking for someone "out there" to give us answers about how we should be and what was right for us.
We didn't feel comfortable making decisions, and many of us became co-dependent, anxious, and sometimes avoiding. Some of us parted because the stress we experienced by denying our truth and emotional abuse was very challenging.
If you feel uncomfortable, imagine what it is like for a little soul.
I grew up in it. Constant shame and guilt for how I was, what I said and how I experienced things.
As a child I had a problem with dizziness. It really scared me and I had a lot of panic inside. My father told me that I was just imagining it and "getting over it". I didn't know how to calm down except to eat, and I started to think that something was wrong with me.
Around the age of five, I remember crying really hard and pretty much having a tantrum when my father took me to the dolls that scared me. He filmed me and yelled at me to stay there.
Nobody ever asked me: "Hey Deb, what do you want?" It was more like "you'll do, think and feel" and if you don't, you won't "get the reward".
I always wanted to be with my parents; I felt anxious and alone without her. I was very affectionate and my mother told me to go outside and play and was ashamed that I always wanted to be with mom and dad.
"If you don't do anything right, you don't do it at all." This was the hidden and not so hidden message in our family system. The problem was, no matter what I said or did, it wasn't right in my family's eyes. it was wrong, stupid, or I was punished for it.
Many people, especially my father, teased me because I was fat, ate all the time and dressed like a boy. I didn't want to wear a dress and ballet. I wanted to do sports and ride my skateboard.
I had no say in what was right for me, everything was selected for me according to the "family rules".
There was a lot of shouting and the silent treatment, a mixture of emotional experiences. When I spilled milk or broke something, they shouted at me and sometimes punished me as if I had done it on purpose.
I didn't really know how to understand what was happening, especially the people who got angry with me when I asked for and / or shared how I felt, and this caused great fear.
Finally, I broke up with self-harm, numbness and the consumption of substances such as food and sleeping pills and compulsive training.
Some may say that it was a bad thing to deal with in this way. I say it saved me. It gave me a way to escape the stress I was experiencing.
It was difficult for me to concentrate on school because my nervous system was overactive. The teachers and my parents called me stupid; In fact, I was a damn smart little kid. So I found coping mechanisms to protect myself and to protect myself.
Self-love and self-esteem were so far from my understanding that in order to learn them, I first had to allow myself to feel what I felt and to see how I denied myself, which was not easy. It contradicted what I had learned to feel safe and loved by my family.
My healing journey was not to light me with gas anymore, but to allow myself to feel and experience being in order. You see, the way people treat us when we are little often becomes the way we treat ourselves as adults.
I cannot change what happened to me, but I can determine how I am treating myself today. When I find myself denying my personal reality and thinking: "I shouldn't feel like this, want what I want or need what I need," I take a deep breath and sit down.
I recently fell in love with someone. I was very excited about the feelings I had because I haven't had them in a long time. I finally took a risk and questioned her, but the feelings weren't mutually exclusive and I immediately felt rejected.
First I judged myself and told myself I shouldn't feel for her if the feelings are not returned. I tried to protect myself from the injuries. But what hurt the most was not that she rejected me. it was my judgment of why she rejected me.
When I went deeper, it caused a childhood wound in which I had to reject / give up in order to get love and acceptance from someone else. This part of me needed my acceptance and love. I also had to remember that my feelings were not "wrong". No feelings are wrong.
The whole man-made song "good / bad / right / wrong" is the reason why it is difficult for us to honor how we really are within ourselves. Here the healing takes place; we have to see the misunderstandings that make us believe what we believe, and this does not happen with our conscious thinking.
Our conscious thinking is a storyteller who always weaves stories about what things mean based on our beliefs about ourselves and the world. It is a protector, it is part of our conditioning. How we really feel is most common in our "unconscious memory". Why? At the time we experienced these things, we didn't have emotional maturity, so part of our psyche hid them. But now, as adults, we can access our unconscious memory, starting with the shadow work.
Shadow work is inner child healing. It is the first step to heal and live authentically, and it is a process. The key is to let go, judge ourselves by how we are, and to be more compassionate and loving.
To begin shadow work, I would recommend noticing when someone "triggers" you. Instead of pointing your finger, take a deep breath and allow yourself to feel how you feel.
Mostly the people who trigger us reflect on what we wear internally, how we treat ourselves and / or what asks for love and healing. For example, if someone ignores us, it can cause a demolition wound and our dislike. The shadow would be noticed as we leave ourselves.
If you are in a place to write, start with "I'm upset because …" at the top of the page. Write as long as necessary and then read what you wrote. You'll notice why you're really upset as long as you don't blame the other person and stay connected how you feel.
If you don't have the opportunity to write, stop, take a deep breath and ask yourself, "What do I think is true for me and / or this situation?" Ask yourself why you feel that way. Most of the time it takes you back to the original cause. However, we have a protective part that may prevent us from seeing what's really going on internally. This part does its best to keep us "safe", and it does so by preventing us from feeling our deep pain.
Here compassion is really important and willing to be honest, because it's not that easy. The most common idea is not being good enough, not feeling worthy, and / or not feeling lovable.
To recognize that these are misunderstandings that we bought into because what happened to us is the place where true healing takes place. Here we heal the inner child, this is the root cause of what we experience. Here we give this part of us unconditional acceptance, compassion, love and a true understanding.
It is important that our mind and body are brought into harmony with our truth: We are consistently beautiful, valuable, worthy and lovable. This changes how our energy flows in our body. When our energy pattern changes internally, our views about ourselves, others, and our reality change according to our energy.
About Debra Mittler
Debra Mittler is a warm and compassionate healer with a unique ability to touch people's hearts and souls. She enjoys helping others to love and accept unconditionally, to feel at peace in her body and to live authentically. Debra is a leading authority in overcoming obstacles and assists her clients by having a space of unconditional love and encouragement, effective tools and valuable insights that enable them to experience and listen to their own inner wisdom.
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