"I became a high-flyer to get the world's approval." ~ Madonna
I have spent my whole life looking for more. Do more, achieve more and see more.
I have always been a planner – I planned everything meticulously, from vacations to visits with friends to the months of my life (or years).
I plan because I always wanted to fit as much as possible into the limited time that was allotted to me. I never wanted to feel that time was being wasted or that the opportunity to do or see something was taken for granted.
When plans went wrong, my fear overran my entire body and made me feel like I had failed – even if the change was completely beyond my control. I planned because I saw the room in front of me and wanted to fill it as perfectly as possible – with colors, themes and lively things.
I never wanted to risk this space becoming empty or undyed, and maybe this reflects how I see myself in a twisted way.
I've always been a high-flyer – doing the bare minimum was never an option for me. When I was sixteen I started to work part-time, joined every club I could, and had part-time jobs in college before part-time jobs were a thing.
I had to continually expand my responsibilities because I thought this was the only way to stand out. And to be fair, it did. I saw the benefits of blowing up my butt, but I also lamented the chances that I had missed slowing down and looking at the scene and just breathing instead of relentlessly climbing the mountain.
For every job I had, I went in every day and asked myself: " H How can I go further?" I was always trying to improve or impress.
When this was recognized, it was like being treated like a Gatorade bucket with relief after a soccer game. Yes, I was important. Yes, I was seen. So I kept going and had the pressure of constant success. This was accompanied by constant concern: "Is that enough?" Instead of slowing down to find the answer, I would add more to my plate "just in case".
I've always been a romantic – and I messed up my relationships in a royal way because I gave much more than I received. Have I done enough Could I do more? Always try to be as compassionate and giving as possible.
Finally, I weakened that and tried to "play cool". But that meant I was wondering in my head if low-key was working. Of course, I was so focused on someone else's happiness that I never noticed that I was weakening. I was so worried about being "perfect" that I lost who I was when I didn't try to achieve perfection.
I never stopped asking if the other person just met me to give me what I needed. Instead, I felt the weight of the world to keep relationships together.
If I had tried to do less, I might have given them room to do more. Or if I had stopped, I might have seen what lay ahead and saved myself from several heartaches. I found out too late that true love is not on a to-do list.
I've always been a dreamer – I imagined a life that had more than what I was in. Of course there is a lot of beauty in my endless daydreams and fantasies. Some of them came into being, but frankly that meant I always lived in my head or a few chapters in front of me.
I always wrote the next book before reading the one I had already read. I couldn't enjoy the word, the sentence, or even the page I was on. Even if my life seemed to come together for a moment from all the over-fulfillment, planning and romanticization. Even if it all paid off, I would have dreamed of living somewhere else in a new, different life.
It was as if my feet never touched the floor and I spent years running through time wondering why I never felt completely.
It wasn't that I don't believe in being a dreamer, but I wish I enjoyed the dreams that had come true and the life I had built before me instead of that Feeling need to stay my head back in the clouds for more.
I have spent my whole life, almost thirty years of it, seeing more, being confirmed, being worthy. I've spent so much time getting the most out of my time, and ironically, I've lost so much time. And now? In this strange world, in which we only have time and are asked to slow down, it is as if I have a direct collision with reality.
I finally see how tired my soul is from this constant running. Honestly, I'm really struggling to slow down in a way that feels sustainable. I still spend far too many minutes wondering when this will end. And I don't spend enough time trying to figure out how to make enough of the moment I have right now.
Now the world has set a speed limit and it shows me how much I have lived in the fast lane.
It is difficult to intentionally slow down without feeling like wasting time. But maybe that's why I needed it. So that I didn't miss the next thirty years of my life, looking for more. Because I am forced to see everything I have acquired between the four walls of my heart and the four walls of my house, and there is a lot of good in it. Because I never really gave myself the opportunity to just be happy with what lies ahead.
Ironically, it's a lesson in humility and pride – being happy with the little things, but also proud of what I could do to be here.
I've spent my whole life deleting things from a list and running empty. Now I finally have the opportunity to stop and think – what would fill me up? What would make me feel whole? And the only thing I have to do now to answer this question is to breathe.
About Sonya Matejko
Sonya Matejko is a writer, yoga teacher, and communications consultant, and lives in New York City. Its mission is to help people express and strengthen themselves mentally, physically and spiritually. Sonya hopes to take people to their highest potential by accepting vulnerability. Learn more about her work: www.sonyamatejko.com or follow her on Instagram @aforceofnurture.
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