"How you do one thing is how you do everything." ~ Unknown
One afternoon, during a particularly low break-in, I got out of the shower. I quickly grabbed something on the sink, tossed an old glass off the counter, and smashed it on the floor.
In most cases, stress, frustration or sadness can arise when an object that belongs to them is accidentally broken. You may experience restlessness on top of your already bad mood. But the moment the glass shattered, I felt instantly relieved.
It was an old item I got from a thrift store, and the image on the glass was as good as worn out. In the back of my mind I wanted to get rid of the whole glass set, and the breaking of one of its pieces was solid confirmation that it was time to let go.
It was in that unexpected moment of relief that I realized that I was holding onto the glasses out of a strange commitment and feared that if I gave them away, I wouldn't have the money to replace things.
I was amazed at this interesting aspect of my consciousness, which I had not noticed before, and asked myself: “What else do I do this with? How many things in my life are subtle pressures that I tolerate out of a vague sense of obligation? Does it really make me a “good person” to tolerate so much, hold onto so much unwanted baggage from the past?
Suddenly I remembered something I had recently learned about depression from one of my mentors: We have to stop clinging to people, places and things that no longer bring the joy they once had. More importantly, releasing things that never brought joy, even if we thought they would.
This sacred practice is all too underestimated. We have to reduce the dead weight in our life, even if it sucks. Whether it's a negative relationship, a job that disrespects you, a habit that affects your health, or unwanted items in your home that take up too much space.
It is our persistent aversion, our fear of letting go, that keeps us in a bad mood day after day. In these cases we are waiting for the impossible. We are waiting for things to miraculously improve without our having to do anything else.
Even though I was in a bad mood, I thanked the glass and the sudden break for its lesson. The humbling realization was that I was a clinger – someone who stayed with people, places, and things long after they had proven they weren't right for me.
As the saying goes, "How you do one thing is how you do everything." The glasses, which I actually no longer wanted, were a small symbol of how I was an energetic hoarder. I kept things until life forcibly tore them out of my hands.
I often clung to below-average situations out of fear. I was afraid of not being alone with anything, so I got into the habit of settling down fearfully. And, as we all know, settlement is not a way of leading a satisfying, dignified life.
When we settle down, respect is denied to the parts of us that want to grow. We unconsciously tell ourselves that it's not worth it – we are not worth it.
My habit of settling down had got me into more trouble than I could count – badly paying jobs, incompatible relationships, boring days and restless nights wondering what to do. Why wasn't it better?
The simple answer was, I didn't choose anything better. I did not know how.
If we don't know ourselves, we don't know what we want and need. And when we doubt our worth or our ability to put things into action, we hold back from what would make us happy. This is where depression, burnout, stress and apathy arise.
How can this painful spiral be prevented? And if you are already in this dire straits, how can you climb out of the hole?
1. Judge everything in your life.
What just doesn't work, no matter how hard you try, in your work, in your relationships, in your habits? These are the areas where you need to make a decision. Either let go of something or make a change important enough to change the way you view the situation.
2. Find hope.
Hopelessness is a major aspect of persistent depression. The problem is, people often try to convince each other to hope for something that actually doesn't work (e.g. a relationship that should end). Instead of holding on, let go and look for new things that instead feel really hopeful.
It is not always easy to let go, especially when it comes to relationships and especially when you are not hoping that there is something better for you. First, ask yourself, "Why do I think this is the best I can do or what I deserve?" And then, "What would I have to believe in order to let go of this thing that is not good for me and open up to something better?"
3. Change everything.
When we're in a rut it usually means that things have been the same for too long. Routine and consistency can be a poison or a cure, depending on the situation. If you are feeling stuck, make sure that doing the same thing every day doesn't work. Sometimes making a random change is enough to get you out of this rut.
This could mean moving to work or doing something creative when you normally watch Netflix. Sometimes small changes can give us a surprising level of new insights and self-image.
4. Finally, admit what you really want.
If you don't risk being hopeful and taking action to achieve what you really want, you will live a life of tragic security. You will shrink from the truth and cling to all of the things that don't really resonate with you. Ironically, one has to be willing to risk loss in order to acquire valuable things in life.
So start by being brave enough to admit what you really want in all aspects of your life and, perhaps more importantly, what you need. What would make you feel fulfilled and excited about life again?
–
We often think of depression as a vengeful disease that robs us of our joy and vitality. But when we start looking at our lives more honestly, we can see depression for what it really is: a messenger.
I like to think of depression as the first phase of enlightenment – a calculation that we have to endure in order to get to the other side clearly. When we stop pushing negative feelings away, we can find out why they exist and what steps will resolve them.
For me this meant letting go of how I thought my life should be and accepting what it was like. Instead of complaining about the past or thinking about the future, I started taking practical steps to improve the present. This involved cleaning up my diet, quitting a job that no longer worked for me, and researching attachment styles to learn how to improve my relationships. The more action I took, the more hopeful and empowered I felt.
The path to happiness is not nearly as direct as we would like it to be, but this gives us the opportunity to access what we really wanted: self-understanding, self-acceptance and self-empowerment. Depression isn't a problem, it's a traffic sign. The question is, will we ignore it or let it guide us?
About Brianna Johnson
Brianna runs a platform for depth psychology called Exist Better. Their School of Self is designed to help individuals quit mainstream group think, incorporate painful shadow aspects, and learn how self-empowerment actually works.
Do you see a typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix the problem!
