“Be yourself. All the others are already taken. " ~ Oscar Wilde
My children called it "Cringey". Me? I was just Sam.
After clicking "Post" on my highly emotional Instagram video – one of those more than a minute jobs that land on Instagram TV – I closed the app and panicked for a moment. Maybe I said too much Maybe I was kidding myself for being too honest? Too open? Too … vulnerable?
A few hours after sharing this five minute tearful video about how to keep our dreams alive, I still didn't have the courage to sign up again to see how many followers I'd lost. Or even to delete the thing, since that would also require logging in again. I went on with my day chastising myself for this classic case of Sam oversharing.
Damn it. When will i learn?
To combat my feelings of fear, I usually resort to the paths. Just putting one foot in front of the other calms my worrying soul and fills me with a new perspective. So that's what I did the day I thought I had shared too much: I went for a walk.
And, as so often, I began to see things a little more clearly after asking myself three questions:
1. What were my intentions in sharing the video?
2. Did I have something informative and authentic to offer?
3. Why was it important what others thought?
Let me break it down for you because I had a revelation that seems so on my face that I am almost embarrassed to write about it. How could it not be more obvious?
The answer to these three questions all came down to a simple truth: I was just myself. That's it.
While we are ourselves, we let others see who we really are. It turns out that I am an excessive, vulnerable, sometimes dramatic, hearty girl, full of insecurities and rich in idiosyncrasies.
I eat way too many chips, speak openly about my hormones and hairy legs, and seem to care deeply about other people's validation. It's nice to meet you
Look, it's not the first time I've put myself and all of my craziness on display. I have a long history of covering my life on the gong show and then surviving the fallout.
This time trapped in my new boots at Toronto Airport, I was pulling on a broken zipper while holding up the leash as angry travelers tried to take it off. I wrote about it.
At the time, I thought the dog was missing, but only left it in the car after accompanying me on a midnight trip for junk food. Shared it.
Or when I left my 16 year career in finance. I wrote a short novel for this Facebook status and carefully worked out the narrative in case anyone should decide to judge me as a fresh start.
Another time I went to social networks to passionately express my opinion on related and dear topics, such as shaming the local news media for missing a triumphant story of international competition success with my children's gymnastics team to have. It turned out that something was being printed after all, I just didn't see it. So let's add "impulsive" and "one who doesn't always do her homework" to the list of adjectives that define me.
My point is this: I've come to the conclusion that instead of flinching every time I share something or show how I actually feel, I will embrace it. I am who I am and if you are uncomfortable you can move on. No hard feelings.
Ever since I accepted that my unfiltered ways are just me, I have felt unsurpassed. If I can be me and it turns out that you like me, well then! If I'm allowed to be myself but you shuffle, that's cool too. The people who understand me are the people who are still here. I don't need everyone and their damn dog to like me. I've been there, tried to do that, and it's exhausting.
But if we don't hurt anyone in our endeavors to truly be ourselves, why aren't more people living like this? Maybe it's because we assume we're not cutting the mustard ourselves. We have been conditioned to believe that we are not shiny enough, young enough, rich enough, educated enough, or informed enough to exist in today's performative world.
And to be honest, I'm tired of it.
One reason I left my career last January was this deep longing I felt to live without an excuse. Like me.
Although much of my time as a financial advisor has paid off, I often felt suffocated and had to act as an out-of-line version of myself. I had to push the real Sam back inside. Keep a lid on it. For compliance and reputational reasons, keep them calm. I kept doing that for all of my thirties and half of my forties until I was almost broke.
However, in the last year I have discovered a tremendous change in what is important to me. Now, unencumbered, I explore the real me without a snout or handcuffs.
If I want to submit a piece that I've written and say how I really feel, I will. Because I can. If I want to dive deep into my creativity to see where it is going, I will.
For me, the pandemic also highlighted some habits that accidentally violated me. Being stuck at home showed me that I'm actually pretty introverted. I enjoy spending time on my own and often find it difficult to give my energy to people outside of my family. That's just the truth. However, prior to the pandemic, I would say YES to almost every invitation because my limits around my own mental health were not prioritized over the feelings of others.
If I don't feel like zoom-zoom-zoom I can just say it as it is. "You know what? I don't feel it today. I still love you, but no. I have a date with Netflix and a bowl of toastitos. Let's talk next weekend."
I used to see that as selfish. But what I've learned is that if I show up angry about something I really don't want to be around, I'm not doing anyone favors. Because I'm a terrible forger – let's add this to the list of why I am who I am.
I also discovered that I am a wandering soul. I know for sure because the travel embargo has devastated my natural tendency to take to the streets. And I will no longer apologize for my passion. Yeah, I'm grateful for all the blessings and the beauty of my own back yard, but guess what? I can miss the wide world. It's part of what makes me who I am, and I'm not going to water it down any longer.
Because I don't want to be an actress. Contrasted with the world we live in, where every dish we eat, the journey we take (okay, the one we used to do), the outfit we put together, the animal we care for , everything is on display, but we only show the best versions of our lives.
We don't want people to look behind the curtains … The dirty dishes are scattered everywhere (check). We threw the floss on the floor instead of in the trash (check). The lower half of our clothes (long underwear with holes). We go to great lengths to ensure that our presentation is attractive, enviable, and of a standard that says we have it all together.
The thing is, I made up my mind with all my heart to embrace my obvious non-being together. I know the truth – nobody has everything together. When I accepted this universal principle, I felt much more comfortable just being myself.
And that created a feeling of freedom that I'm just beginning to taste.
I think that's what everyone wants: freedom. When we have the privilege of living in a world where we can present ourselves as ourselves, that is a gift. Of course, not everyone has access to it. Some live in a world where they have to hide their beliefs, gender identity, water down their dreams, or worse, struggle through atrocities we don't know about.
So if we are lucky enough to live in a society where we can show ourselves as ourselves as long as we don't hurt others, shouldn't we rush to do so? Isn't it our duty to be richer, more authentic, and more encouraged with people? Aren't you tired of being someone else?
It's not that I don't value growth. As long as we are human, we will always strive for improvement. But there is no one in the whole world like us. Everyone else is already taken. Therein lies our own version of a superpower: an essence of what we can contribute because we are ourselves, not in spite of everything.
About Samantha Plavins
Sam Plavins is a Gen-x mother, wife, adventurer, writer, and chronic over-sharer. In 2019 she hiked half a mile through northern Spain and had the revelation that her career in finance was killing her. So she decided to go on a new path and start She Walks the Walk to help women like her live more authentic and inspired lives. She wants you to get off the society's treadmill, or at least question it! Find her on shewalksthewalk.com, Instagram, YouTube or her travel blog and watch her podcast here.
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