“A lot of people want to ride in the limousine with you, but they want someone to pick up the bus if the limo breaks.” ~ Oprah Winfrey
“How on earth am I supposed to survive? I have no friends at all! "
These were the thoughts that went through my head when I set foot in London for the first time five years ago. I felt raw and vulnerable in the brave new city where I had to find my new home alone with my two children while my husband was abroad. I wondered how I was going to do all of this.
Well, I had J, a friend I met on my honeymoon in Bali, but we had only kept in touch occasionally so I wasn't expecting much from her. I couldn't really call her my girlfriend, a pleasant acquaintance maybe, but surprisingly, she turned out to be my much-needed, totally solid support system and guardian angel.
She came to me every Saturday after work and we hung out. Sometimes we took a walk to the park. Another time she encouraged me to drive (something I resisted). She visited my daughter when she fell and was in a cast and made my four year old daughter's birthday a memorable one. She even helped me set up my garden table and chair. To say I was grateful for their kindness would be an understatement.
I was grateful – one because the help and friendship she offered was unexpected. Second, because she did it with a big and open heart. And finally, because she accepted me for who I was and what I could offer at that point in time.
For the first time in my life I was a "recipient" in a friendship. Until then, I was always the giver.
But it was different with J. I was so touched by her generosity that I thanked her many times and told her how much I really appreciated the effort she made. But she always shrugged. One day when I was thanking her for the millionth time, she said, “Lana, friendship goes both ways. I also appreciate hanging out with you and your young children. They also bring a lot of joy into my life! "
Then she told me that in the past few years she had lost two of her friends to cancer and the sudden losses had devastated her. She said spending time with us helped her. I was shocked to hear it, but was also delighted to know that my children and I were able to fill that void for them in our imperfect selves.
Your honesty and generosity taught me some important lessons about friendship and helped me to distinguish between a healthy and an unhealthy one. So let's unpack it.
The telltale signs of healthy friendship
1. In the relationship there is an equal amount of give and take. The needs of both people are seen as essential, and the friendship does not feel wrong.
2. You are both honest and transparent with one another. When I honestly opened up, it cemented our friendship because it made me feel just as important. Until then, I thought I was the vulnerable person who needed her, and I was surprised to know that she needed me too.
3. You are both kind and compassionate and completely accept one another. Whenever J arrived she was always considerate of how overwhelmed I was. She was happy to have an overwhelmed, scared, and disoriented friend and accepted me for who I was.
4. Good friends don't try to control you, dictate or tell you how to live your life. Although I was new to many things, she did not try to control me . She made suggestions and sometimes pushed me out of my comfort zone, but never crossed any boundaries. She gave me the space I needed.
5. Good friends are generous – with their time, resources, or whatever they have to give. J was generous with her time and company and took me to different places. I was happy to have another adult with me when visiting new places with my girls.
6. Good friends value each other and do not try to exploit the other's weak points.
7. Good friends do not try to manipulate the other for personal gain. They may help each other, but they don't use each other. They spend time together because they care and enjoy each other's company, not because they want something from each other.
Whenever there is the same level of give or take, honesty, respect and empathy for one another in a relationship, you can be sure that it is a keeper.
Through J I learned that friendship is a one-way street. Before that, I had no standards and welcomed everyone in my life as friends. Even the ones who went over me and took advantage of it. I've raised the bar for myself.
So what are the signs of an unhealthy friendship?
1. It feels one-sided. The other person dominates the friendship and prioritizes their needs and wants over yours.
2. They are insensitive to your needs – they do not consider them essential or trivialize them as unnecessary, either by joking or making your needs sound insignificant.
3. They subtly undermine you which means that you are not good enough, cannot do what you want, or should not bother to meet your wants, needs and interests follow.
4. They see you as a means to an end which means that you are useful for a specific purpose. Maybe you can help them advance their careers, or you are a bridge to connect with someone else.
5. They do not respect you – they ignore our boundaries, speak to you in a condescending tone and / or treat you as if you are not a priority.
6. You do not respect or value your time or effort.
7. They demand and think that everything revolves around them.
8. You have numerous problems that you can never solve on your own. They never ask about you; you are only there to listen to their problems and meet their needs.
9. They always compete with you, and everything is a game they want to be the winner in.
10. They don't want to know anything about you – your past, your feelings or your interests.
11. They repeatedly stress you unexpectedly, as if they don't value your time together.
Walter Winchell says: "A real friend is one who comes in when the rest of the world goes out." We hope you find this real friend who understands you, lifts you up, and brings out the best in you!
About Lana Goes
Lana loves to inspire people to live on their terms by overcoming fear, doing the things they love and becoming the highest version of themselves. She is the founder of The Return of the Lion King, where she tries hard to make people believe in themselves. In addition to blogging, she is a mother, finance professional and book lover. To find out more about Lana, you can visit her at thereturnofthelionqueen.com and on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest.
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