"Don't look for someone to solve all your problems. Look for someone who won't let you see you alone." ~ Unknown
For me, depression is like walking up a hill all the time.
Most of the time the hill only has a gradient of one percent. It can hardly be said that it is a hill. I walk, run, jump, hop, make wagon wheels and stop to smell pretty flowers and listen to birdsong. It's sunny and warm with clear blue skies.
Even if I have to make a little effort to go up, times are good.
And then something happens in my life, as if I lose my job, have to move or have constant arguments with my partner and my hill gets a little steeper.
Climbing is still quite easy, but requires a little more effort. It is getting a little darker around me, as if the sun has just disappeared behind the clouds. But it is okay. I can manage it.
And then some other things happen like I feel stressed because it's exam time and I call my girlfriend to hang out but she has no time and I get injured and can't do my usual activities anymore – and my hill gets steeper
And then suddenly, almost without my noticing it, I'm on my hands and knees and crawling up this really steep hill.
It's getting a bit dark around me and pretty windy, as if a storm is brewing. The temperature is dropping, I get goose bumps. But I don't look at the darkness around and behind me. I'm still aiming for the brightness spot above. I know I'll be there soon.
I struggle to make eye contact with people, go to social events, or call friends back because of my focus on just making it up the hill.
And then some other things happen like I get a virus or someone I love dies. And then my hill is as steep as if you were climbing a ladder, but slippery and made of grass, dirt and stones.
I'm freaking out a bit now because it's really hard! I'm scared of falling, but I'm still trying to keep climbing. Even though I hardly move.
I cannot speak to you. It's like withdrawing right into the depths of my mind and not connecting with anyone. I really need all my concentration not to fall.
And then it starts to rain. Really difficult. It has turned pitch black, like the middle of a moonless night. It's still crazy windy. I'm trying to grab a tuft of grass, to hold on to something, to something. But it's slippery and wet, it slips through my fingers and I fall.
And I'm falling down the hill; sometimes not that far, sometimes far, before I can grab something and stop myself. And I am afraid. Because it's dark, rainy and stormy so far down the hill and I feel so alone.
And at this point the people around me – my friends, my family – are frustrated with me. Because at this point I cry all the time. (Wouldn't you be stuck in a storm in the dark?)
People think they have to or they want or expect that they will fly down in a helicopter, throw me a rope and pull me straight back to the daylight. Fix me. Save me.
I can understand people who want this because they know I want it to be that simple. It would be nice. But nobody can do that for me. It is my hill. I have to climb it myself.
And what is so reassuring at this point is someone who just climbs next to me. This is all I want.
Just someone to put it out with me, drying my tears and holding my hand, giving me words of encouragement and occasionally feeding me as I start to resume the hike from so far below.
Because it's a whole hill, I have to go up! It's really steep that far down! It will take a while. I have a hard time remembering what it feels like to be at the top.
But I try, I climb forever and at some point I come back to daylight where it flattens out and it's not that steep and hard at all.
Although it can be difficult to climb next to me because when I'm down I have a tendency to do things like cry or ignore you or get mad at you about nothing, it's worth it! Because when I get up again and hop in the sunshine, I'm a really great person.
If you have someone in your life struggling up their own hill in the dark, couldn't you worry about fixing them and instead just offering to be with them? Sometimes that makes the most sense.
Depressive image of women via Shutterstock
About Louise Pontin
Louise is an accredited exercise physiologist specializing in mental health. She believes that you cannot move your body without affecting your mind, and that movement should feel good and come from a place of self-love and care. She focuses on exercise, which helps clients improve their mood and coach them through behavior changes. Visit them on themindmovement.co and on Facebook and Instagram.
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