“ Sometimes we sabotage ourselves when things seem to be going well. Perhaps this is a way to express our fear about whether it is okay for us to have a better life. "~ Maureen Brady
Have you ever decided to try something new – like entering into a new relationship or doing something that will help you achieve success in your career / mission or provide you with greater health and wellbeing – and you could pull it off for a little bit, but then did you stop? Was that self sabotage? Was it postponement?
Did you know that self-sabotage and procrastination can be survival mechanisms, and they are actually our friends? They meet some kind of need, and it happens to all of us to some extent.
Every behavior we do serves us in one way or another. We self-sabotage and procrastinate for many reasons and it's different for everyone. Most of the time, it comes from a part of us who just wants to feel safe.
The key is to work with these parts, not against them, and not try to get rid of them. When we work with them and integrate them, we experience more energy and they become a source of great strength and wisdom.
The “symptoms” of self-sabotage and procrastination carry important messages; mostly they are a cry from our inner child.
Sometimes what we think we want is not what we really want. Self-sabotage and procrastination can be our inner guidance and say: "Hey, I have another way."
Sometimes we have had a lot of disappointments in the past, so our subconscious slows down and says: "What use is it, I never win, I always lose."
If we indulge in too much alcohol and food, engage in distracting activities, and don't do what we say we want to, then there is a reason. The key to healing and shifting this pattern of energy is to discover the reasons and needs of that part of us.
We often experience self-sabotage and procrastination when our unconscious needs are not recognized or met.
The attempt to change the outside world and / or to assert oneself through positive thinking requires a lot of effort and often makes us tired. Why? Because we fight against our own biology, which creates self-doubt, self-judgment, inner conflict, fear and insecurity. They all play together "on the same team" with the same energy.
Most of our programming was done before we turned seven. It was then that we began to formulate our beliefs about who we are, what we deserve and what we don't, and how life works.
When we want to experience something new, our subconscious goes into its “memory files” to see if what we want is “safe”. Security can mean many things – familiarity maybe; or not to tell our truth or to share our creativity; or using substances like food, cigarettes, drugs or alcohol to numb our emotions and / or keep pain away.
If we have had painful experiences in the past that are similar to what we want now, this may be the reason why part of us hesitates and / or sabotages itself. Why? We have a built-in survival system and when we have a negative / painful experience our protector part will prevent it from happening again.
We learn through the law of association and this is stored in our subconscious. As a child, when we put our hand on the stove and burn ourselves, our brain creates neurons that associate a stove with pain. The next time we approach a hearth, we will remember that pain and we will be more careful about it.
Our brain works in the same way with physical or emotional pain. The problem is that the brain may misinterpret the amount of dangers we are really in by working on an outdated neuropattern.
If the experience we want has caused us pain in the past or we don't feel good enough to have it, we will either sabotage it or our brain will give us a list of reasons why not will happen. (But keep in mind that it is not in your best interest anyway.)
In the past, when we have found a way to calm ourselves down or find relief through addiction, we automatically return to these substances when things seem challenging, when we have not learned to console ourselves and to feel. process and express our feelings in a healthy way.
When I was a kid, my father kept telling me: "If you don't do it right, don't do it at all". The problem was, in his eyes, I never got anything right. He also told me that I was not good enough, or smart enough, that I would never mind, and that I was a selfish person.
He blamed me for everything that happened, even if it wasn't my fault, and if I "talked back" or shared how I was feeling, he either punished me or gave me the silent treatment.
These experiences became my blueprint; I was afraid of myself, everyone and everything, and that affected me very much. In the end I broke away from my authenticity and became a very lost and confused being.
The fear became so strong that if I thought about buying something, asking about what I wanted or needed, expressing what I thought or felt, or did something self-loving or self-caring, I would become myself -Sabotage, hesitate and feel fear and a bad feeling in my stomach.
I did not do this consciously. My subconscious signaled to me that it wasn't safe to want something because I could be punished, abandoned, or even hurt if I did any of the things I mentioned.
As a child, I used food for my comfort and safety until, at the age of thirteen, I was told to diet and lose weight. When I was fifteen, I became a full-blown anorexic. Then my new comfort and security starved and I trained all day,
From this point on, I always pushed them away when I was faced with new decisions or ways of being. I thought I was afraid of failure or of not getting it right, but it went deeper; I realized that it was really the fear of being punished, rejected, not loved and abandoned, and the worst experience for a child.
I was stuck in an internal prison thinking, "What's the use of life? If I can't be myself or do anything, why be in this reality at all?" This led to almost twenty-three years of self-abuse, oppression, anorexia, Anxiety and depression.
My mother always said to me: "Debra, you always climb halfway up the mountain, then you stop and climb down again."
This is what a lot of people do: they stop before they even start, or they start something new and stop following, and this is because of our "emotional glue". What is emotional glue? Unsolved problems “buried” in us; Here our energy pattern is frozen in time and here we filter and dictate our life.
Most of the time we don't even know it's there, we just live in the energy of "I can't", "Caution" or "It's just not fair". And / or we judge ourselves because we are unable to do what we say we want to do.
None of our symptoms are bad or wrong, and neither are we when we have them. In fact, “creating” makes us damn bright people. It is our inner guidance that asks for our attention to notice what is really going on within us and for compassion, love, healing, understanding, resolution, integration and overhaul.
When I struggled with anorexia, self-harm, depression and anxiety, went to traditional therapy and spent time in numerous hospitals and treatment centers, nothing changed. Why? They focused more on relieving symptoms than understanding what was going on inside me.
I was scared, I hurt, I didn't feel safe in my body, I didn't feel safe in this reality. I didn't have to be forced to eat and gain weight, which triggered my trauma when I was a kid because I was fat and unpleasant.
I would gain weight in treatment centers and then lose it when I left; some may have called it self-sabotage; I call it survival.
My ingrained fear of gaining weight, which meant "When I am fat, I will leave and no one will love me," has been the driver for most of my life's journey. My entire focus was on controlling my food and weight.
I numbed and suppressed; I existed but didn't live, I was depressed and anxious. I ran away from life and me. I didn't want to feel hurt by the negative things I was told, so I stayed away from other people.
I didn't want to face the injuries and pains that I felt inside, especially the fear of being punished and abandoned again. but really, i did this to myself. I punished and abandoned myself, but I couldn't stop the cycle with my conscious thinking.
Self-sabotage, procrastination and anorexia, fear and depression, well, they were my friends, they kept me from being punished and abandoned. You kind of protected me backwards.
I wish I knew then what I know now – to help someone we cannot force them to change their unhealthy behavior. We need to be kind and gentle, and see how the symptoms of self-sabotage, procrastination, eating disorders, anxiety, addiction, and depression serve them.
What is the underlying cause that is causing it?
What needs to be healed / loved, solved and revised?
What do we need that we as little beings never got from our parents? How can we give this to ourselves today?
If we see our symptoms as catalysts for a better self-image and integrate ourselves internally by giving ourselves what we really need, we can heal and overcome self-sabotage.
All parts of us are valuable and must be unconditionally heard, seen, loved and accepted. Each part has an important message for us.
If you experience one of the symptoms I have mentioned, please treat yourself in a friendly and gentle manner. Instead of sabotaging yourself, dig beneath the surface to understand what you are really afraid of and how your behavior feels as safe. When you understand why you hurt and hold yourself back, you can finally let go of what doesn't serve you and get what you want and need.
About Debra Mittler
Debra Mittler is a warm and compassionate healer with a unique ability to touch people's hearts and souls. She enjoys helping others to love and accept each other unconditionally, to feel at peace in her body and to live authentically. A leading authority in overcoming obstacles, Debra supports her clients by owning a space of unconditional love and providing encouragement, powerful tools, and valuable insights to enable them to experience and listen to their own inner wisdom.
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