I was a drug addict. Yes i did everything No, my childhood was not full of abuse, I was actually a pretty happy child, and I had it no worse and no better than anyone, except maybe some "dad problems".
I'm not to blame much. I know who smoked, sniffed, and popped, and it wasn't the evil angel on my shoulder that made me do it, it was just me.
I can give you the exact reason why I started using drugs. I was scared of just being myself, just enough. Everyone else's thoughts about who I had to be or what made me cool were more important than hugging my authentic self.
Drugs were a big part of my life and they influenced the places, people and pain I endured, but that too was still a choice.
I had wonderful options on hand but let go of them for a long-term abusive relationship.
I lost jobs, burned bridges and injured my family.
I stole, lied and fought.
Had random sex, lost respect and wanted to die.
On the positive side, I was still in a relationship with my higher power. Even though I checked him out, he was always there to check out me and I always had the support of my mom, sister and best friend. This is important because we are not supposed to do this alone.
Change is a brew
Before something changes, most people need something extreme, like a near death experience or a low point.
Unfortunately, I had to hit rock bottom a few times.
I had first started using heroin for a good three weeks and when my whole world got out of hand – like breaking my friend's hand to see what looked like a piece of black tar heroin … just there was just a stick of gum on the floor to find out – a glimmer of light could still shine through, and I made a decision right there.
I stopped … forever. Yes, it happened that quickly. It turns out that this life is not my concern.
The second time I was homeless with my sister. My mother was tired; Who could blame her? She had two daughters whom she loved dearly and who, despite everything she had taught us, continued to make the worst choices. So she kicked us out.
Unconsciously, I was desperately looking for a better way. My actions would say otherwise, but deep down we all know what we really need. I was finally ready to make the decision to make a change.
Change for the better
"No matter how tough the past is, you can always start over." ~ Buddha
If you want change, if you really want it, it will be. Don't say I'm trying That means that you are still resisting, and as Buddha also says:
"Change is not painful, only resistance to change is painful."
A drug addict, or anyone who has ever been addicted to anything in their life, knows that they will quit when they want to. This is done at the will of someone else than at their own discretion. That doesn't mean it will be easy or they don't need help. Except that it starts with a choice – your own.
If you've ever seen the show Intervention you know that it is very rare for someone who has been put into rehab at the request of their family to stay away from drugs for good.
This is a terrible truth, but I can tell you from experience that if you do not make this commitment for yourself and you do not know the feeling of sovereignty over your own life, the decision will lose its empowering effect
Whether you are a drug addict or just know you need to change something, accept that you need change and start searching (as you do now and luckily it brought you to me).
I'm not perfect now … or have I been since I was finally me? There are days when I'm still in the mood, but the difference now is that I've learned to acknowledge it.
Acknowledge it … whatever you are feeling
After quitting drugs altogether, and I mean completely, I realized that my fear was at an all-time high every day. What I had to do first was acknowledge it, but I kept trying to hide it. Like trying to convince myself that I didn't feel the way I felt. I think because I hadn't realized yet that I really didn't know who I was without drugs.
Say it out loud, even if it's weird, "I'm feeling so scared right now" or "I'm sad" – it will resolve faster and if you tell someone you trust they may be able to help figuring out what the problem is. My boyfriend and I do this together and find that sometimes a hug does the trick.
Once you admit that you are feeling out of order – right when your body is signaling you – you can look deeper for the why and find out by looking for patterns.
At first I began to acknowledge that I felt shitty. I also began to pay attention to the thought patterns that led to the feeling, or what happened just before the feeling started.
This gives you some insight into the kind of thoughts you are pondering. Is there something that you haven't let go of Is there an irrational thought that keeps popping up? Is your self-talk demeaning?
If you suppress it, it comes out in a lot of different ways, trust me.
I'm the queen who looks crazy because I accidentally blew up a colleague, totally overreacted to a joke (and drove him crazy) and yelled at my friend when he didn't give me the correct answers gave a story I told and my favorite phrase as a broken girl was, "Nobody gets me …" Acting like a victim is not the same as admitting what you really feel, although it may be easier.
Find the good and self-love will follow
During your search you will come across a plethora of "Ways to Make Yourself Happy" and offbeat claims of instant happy pills or whatever.
Right now it is important to get into good habits – go towards good, and good things will follow. The key is to learn to love yourself. The hard part is figuring out ways to apply this.
There are two ways I have learned to be good to myself: yoga and meditation.
This dynamic duo is popular for a reason, folks.
I recommend yoga with Adriene all day. She is amazing. She always says, "Find what feels good." For a drug addict like me, I / I like, that got me into this mess Adriene, but if you insist.
Joking aside, if you've ever had something like drugs, impulse buying, or even a donut, you'll feel fine for a short time, right?
And then you seem to need more to feel guilty or fall (maybe all three). Finding what Adriene said feels good is listening to your body, not your impulses.
For example, if after a while you stretch while sitting, you just seem to know exactly how and in which direction to move, because you know what feels good? Start there. When you practice both yoga and meditation, take all of your expectations and throw them away. Just listen to who is teaching you and follow their directions.
Turn these good habits into a ritual
After I found yoga and meditation, I started to enjoy taking care of myself. This was more than an addiction; it soon became second nature.
I recommend starting with:
Yoga in the morning. Yoga with Adriene has a lot of beginner videos that I started with
Mediate whenever you can. I recommend Dr. Tara Branch teaching mediation and emotional healing so you can easily learn to do it yourself
Take the time to do something you really love. Mine drew and painted.
You would think healthy eating was on the list, right?
After stopping drugs with cold turkey, I lost my appetite and felt proud if I ate anything at all. But before I knew it, the chemicals in my brain changed and I began to crave healthy food, and in abundance.
I didn't just switch to a random diet because now I "did everything well for myself". I knew I had to take things one step at a time to make such a big life change and allow healthy habits to naturally build on one another. When we try to do too much at once and develop new habits with no intrinsic motivation, we often fail.
Inc.com states that about 60 percent of us make New Year's resolutions, but only about 8 percent of us actually achieve them. We are people, not technology; We can't click on a software update and say, "You are now ready to meet your goals" with my best Google Home voice.
Give yourself some time and be kind to yourself. Of course, once you start making healthy choices, you will want to make more. In all honesty, I was proud of myself that I had already achieved what I had and my soul couldn't get enough. I treated myself with respect, then came love, and then came a deep connection with everything and everyone around me.
Although you may feel happier with yourself and your life, it does not mean that you are happy all the time.
When you have to cry, let your tears flow. There were a few days when I would keep popping my eyes out but feel so clean afterward. In fact, there are even a few days that I feel like I have to cry and I just do it. And you know what? My fear disappears when I didn't even notice that it was building up.
Learn your triggers and avoid them for the time being
During my transformation, I had to start identifying my triggers and avoiding situations that I knew would start the cycle over. I realized that this meant the difference between change for now and change forever.
Whatever you struggle with, identify what makes you feel most about it. This includes being really honest with yourself and not judging yourself by what you find out. Now is not the time to be your worst critic.
I hope you know that just reading shows how strong you are and how able you are to live life as yourself and truly in peace.
I'll be the first to call out, get beaten up and feel guilty as hell. Don't do this to yourself.
This is a vulnerable time and you need all the love you can get – giving love to yourself is the only way to defeat what is causing you pain.
Instead of going out when everyone else was around, I stayed home knowing that social scenes would make me want to have a drink; I started smoking a cigarette (which I stopped too) and then who knows what I might want my hands on when I was on a roll.
I waited months before trusting myself to come out and hang. The power you gain when you realize that you can say no without FOMO is greater than any feeling you give in by giving in.
If I can do it, so can you.
You have a whole system of support at your disposal, and yes, it might be in a meeting full of strangers. Once you get in touch with yourself you will find that we are not strangers at all. we all come from the same energy and we all mean much more to each other than you ever thought.
If you ever need assistance from anywhere, I can always give you it. The true me. Without drugs. Finally not afraid to be myself because I finally love myself.
** This post represents a person's personal experience and may or may not reflect your unique situation. Especially if you have experienced trauma or abuse, you may need professional help to determine the root cause of your addiction. There is no shame in getting help or struggling as you are working towards recovery. Be good to yourself, be patient with yourself, and keep reaching out to yourself if you haven't found the right people to help you yet!
About Amanda Garcia
Amanda Garcia is an empath and painter who just wants to help others love themselves enough to be themselves. She believes we are all interconnected and that understanding who we are is essential to our overall growth. She loves to laugh and believes that laughter is the best medicine, especially in the darkest moments. If she left you with just one thing, it would be reminding yourself to smile and help others do the same. You can contact them through the Facebook messenger facebook.com/amanda.garcia.391 if you are interested in a custom artwork or just need a friend to chat.
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