“You could have gotten cold, but instead you got brave. You could have given up, but you kept going. You could have seen obstacles, but you called them adventures. You could have called them weeds, but instead you called them wildflowers. You could have died as a caterpillar, but you fought to be a butterfly. You could have refused to be kind, but instead you chose to show some self-love. You could have defined yourself through the dark days, but instead you recognized your light through them. "~ S.C. Lourie
While memories of my childhood flash in my head, I am brought back to a place where I did not know if I would ever be happy. Happiness, stability and love seemed so far away and out of reach that I met them with overwhelming sadness every day. I longed for peace, I longed for someone to understand me, and I longed for someone to save me.
Nobody really knew what was going on with my mother behind closed doors. She was a tyrant who emotionally demolished anyone who got in her way. My siblings and I were their constant goals. Because of her nature, she isolated us from family and friends and only made us look good and build up her ego. The classic case of a narcissist.
You see, it wasn't until many years later when I grew up that my mother was officially diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder.
If you are not familiar with this diagnosis, it is someone who lacks empathy and is unable to show love. They seem to live a superficial life and are always concerned with how things look for others.
She was unable to love and care for things we are looking for mothers. As a child, I was always looking for answers to the constant emotional, verbal, and physical abuse that plagued my household.
I learned very early on that I was allowed to be seen and not heard, and that every challenge or invitation to have fun was connected with a tongue and / or blow to my body. If you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you internalize every beat and word that is put on you. You feel dismissed and discounted. You never feel good enough.
I remember moments when I wished for the mother-daughter bond that my friends experienced. I cried when I read about it in books or saw it on TV.
When you are a victim of abuse, you always feel that what you want is unreachable because you think you don't deserve it. How could someone who gave birth to me cause so much pain? This question flooded my brain every day.
Motherhood is a sacred act of love that was not granted to me, and therefore I suffered. I suffered from lack of self-confidence, limited beliefs, fear of failure, anxiety, perfectionism and lack of emotional closeness to romantic relationships and friendships.
At the age of nineteen, I decided that I no longer wanted to be part of this life. I decided that this cloak of darkness would no longer bother me. I went.
I left the house with all my things in a laundry bag and the little light I had in me and moved in with the family of my current spouse. I was grateful that they greeted me with open arms and that I was safe. Little did I know that the real healing started when I decided to get involved.
Trauma not only leaves emotional scars, but also tiny prints that affect your thoughts and decisions. I was an adult who knew nothing about growing up and had no guidance from a parent figure: I was afraid.
But I realized that sometimes you have to mother yourself. In chaos, you learn to give yourself the love and affection you longed for in your weakest moments.
I had to show up for myself and the little girl in me who had no chance to enjoy life. It was time for me to take back my strength and ignite my inner self.
I became more and more curious and hopeful about the transition I was beginning to make, and there were a few steps I took on this path of transformation. I hope you can find them useful when you are ready.
Distance yourself from toxic behavior.
Sometimes distance and time help to heal and give clarity and peace.
I had to free myself from situations where I knew I had to protect myself. This allowed me to take the time to really concentrate on what I wanted and in which direction I wanted to go.
This meant temporarily limited communication, geographical distance or emotional distance. This is not always easy, but it helps you keep track of things if you keep reminding yourself that it is for the development of your highest good and your healing.
Surround yourself with people who can lift you up and let them flow into you.
If you come from a household where love and warmth were not there, you can feel empty. Surround yourself with friends or other family members who can cheer you up while doing things. Being with people who could demonstrate this for me gave me the motivation to continue creating it within myself.
Develop and promote a spiritual practice.
Faith and hope were the two driving forces behind my motivation to go. I just knew deep down that this was not the direction I wanted my life to be and there were better things for me.
The development of a spiritual practice has helped me to find inner peace when moments of fear, fear and doubt have crept in heavily. It comforted me when I had no idea whether a jump would work, but the valuable lesson I learned was when you jump, the net appears. Meditation, prayer and connection to a higher power can create silence in chaos.
Start with unconditional love for yourself.
Surviving verbal and physical abuse is not an easy task and can spoil your low self-confidence. Therefore, it is extremely important that you start to develop that in yourself.
I had to learn that if I loved myself, I could feel more secure and move forward.
Treat yourself to motivational conversations, read dozens of books, work with a professional, listen to stimulating music or podcasts. Pour yourself in and become your own best friend. Nobody can take that from you.
Take your time.
There is no one-size-fits-all solution to healing. It is a journey that twists and turns, but everything leads to a transformation.
It may take some time to unravel everything you've experienced, but be compassionate with yourself when you find out everything. Set the goal to work towards a positive transformation and collect the necessary tools to facilitate the change.
It took me years of trial and error to get to where I am, but I always wanted to do better than yesterday. Nourish your cure, there is a breakthrough on the other side.
Continue to make this conscious decision every day to grow, heal, and achieve transformation. Do not be afraid of the healing necessary to free yourself and live the life you deserve. You have to put down the old to let in the new and no longer let fear hold you down.
It is nice to discover a life of inner and outer victory. During my transformation, my breakthrough consisted of this one powerful mantra:
I am not a victim of my circumstances, I am victorious.
You are too.
About Victoria Grande
Victoria Grande is a licensed psychiatric counselor, certified clinical trauma specialist and trainer for the transformative life of women. Find out more about them at www.beingvictoriouswomen.com and keep an eye out for the upcoming biweekly newsletter entitled "Living Victoriously". Do you want to connect? Follow Victoria on Instagram and Twitter.
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