Most people agree that a sexual affair is considered infidelity, but what about sending a flirting text? What if your partner takes out multiple loans and acquires a large debt without your knowledge? Is it a betrayal to have virtual sex with someone other than your partner, connect with an ex on social media, or maintain an online dating profile even though you are already in a relationship? The answer depends on how people define infidelity in the relationship.
A recent study commissioned by Deseret News found conflicting responses when 1,000 people were asked what "fraud" means. The majority of respondents (71% -76%) indicated that physical sexual contact with someone outside the relationship would always reach the fraud threshold. However, a leaner majority believed that maintaining an online dating profile (63%) or sending flirtatious messages to others (51%) should always be considered a scam. The lines about whether following an ex on social media is a betrayal were even more ambiguous: 16% said it was always fraud, 45% thought it was fraud sometimes, and 39% replied that it never was .
As this survey shows, how to define infidelity is subjective. Thus emphasizes Talal Alsaleem, a leading expert in the field of infidelity counseling and author of infidelity: The best thing that can happen to your marriage: The complete guide to healing matters emphasizes the importance of clear definition of infidelity in the Meeting. "Many therapists make the mistake of not paying enough attention to defining infidelity," says Alsaleem. "If we don't agree on what to call it from the first session, we can't go any further," because correctly identifying the problem guides, what counseling interventions are used.
If consultants set up the stage badly from the start, they risk alienating one or both parties, he adds. For example, if you describe infidelity as "inappropriate behavior," there is a risk that treason will be minimized. On the other hand, clients and counselors might exaggerate a problem if they relate to something that is unfaithful when it really isn't.
Alsaleem, a licensed private-law marriage and family therapist at Happily Ever After Counseling & Coaching in Roseville, California, suggests that research into defining infidelity is often based on heteronormative values that preclude any relationship that not to the "traditional model (read: a heterosexual couple). To take into account the different types of relationships and the microcultures and macrocultures of people, Alsaleem developed a flexible definition of infidelity that can apply to all of its customers, including those who are LGBTQ + or polyamorous.
"All relationships should have a contract – whether oral or written – that sets out the number of partners in the relationship … the emotional and sexual needs that are expected in that relationship, and to what extent those needs are exclusive to the partners in the relationship, ”Alsaleem explains. "Infidelity is therefore a violation of the exclusivity contract you have with the partner (s) … and it outsources these needs to others outside of the relationship without the partner's consent."
Although a relationship contract is helpful, it is much less so if the partners maintain implicit expectations of each other that are not included in the contract, or if they allow the contract to become static, says Alsaleem, founder of the infidelity Advice center . "It is very important that people not only have a clear contract in the beginning, but that they continue to have these discussions on a regular basis [about their relationship expectations]," he says.
Alsaleem believes that his definition of infidelity not only works for clients from different backgrounds, but also provides advisers with a buffer from their own prejudices about what is infidelity. When it comes to unfaithful counseling, "therapists confuse therapeutic neutrality with the thought that they don't matter," he says. He claims that his definition allows therapists to remain neutral without minimizing accountability.
Cyber Infidelity
Technology has set new boundaries in infidelity because it provides greater accessibility, anonymity, and opportunities for cyber infidelity, says Alsaleem, who introduced the topic at the 2020 conference of the International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors (IAMFC) . a division of the American Counseling Association. In fact, technological advances such as virtual reality pornography and teledildonics – a technology that allows people to experience physical tactile sensations virtually – add infidelity and relationships to new levels of complexity.
People can use technology to escape real problems and reinvent themselves, Alsaleem notes. One of his clients suffered from erectile dysfunction. Because of the shame and stigma associated with his condition, he turned to virtual sex to make up for the deficit instead of taking care of the problem with his wife.
“Since [technology] is a new frontier, it is new territory. Not too many people can agree on what is appropriate or what is inappropriate online infidelity because we have no point of reference for it, ”says Alsaleem. "This ambiguity makes it easier for people to cross these borders because they don't do anything bad in their thoughts."
Alsaleem worked with another couple who was in a happy relationship, but their sexual intimacy had decreased due to general life stressors such as work and parenting. Instead of talking to his wife about it, the husband started looking at pornography that was developing into virtual sex. When the woman discovered this, she felt cheated, but the husband did not believe that his actions were a matter because it did not happen in the real world. He viewed virtual sex as an acceptable alternative to "real fraud".
Situations like this further emphasize the need to clearly define infidelity and to enter into a relationship contract, says Alsaleem, who points out that the good thing about his definition of infidelity is that it applies to both real and virtual matters World applies. By definition, counselors could work with a couple to help a partner recognize that virtual sex is a form of infidelity by asking, “Was there an agreement between you and your partner that all of your sexual needs were just about are they met? ”If the partner acknowledges that this agreement exists, the counselor might ask,“ Is what you did a derivative of sexual needs? If so, have you outsourced this need to someone else? “This form of survey would help the partner to recognize that he actually violated the exclusivity contract.
Transcendent dissatisfaction with relationships
Dissatisfaction with relationships is a common cause of infidelity, but by no means the only one. Alsaleem recommends that consultants consider three categories when working with infidelity.
The first are dyadic factors, which are relationship issues that cause the couple to fail to meet their sexual or emotional needs.
The second category is individual factors – each partner's personal history and general mental health. Counselors should ask about the client's family history and past psychological problems, not just their relationship history, Alsaleem advises. He points out that some mental health problems such as bipolar disorder and narcissistic, anti-social and borderline personality disorders can increase the likelihood of infidelity.
People who have experienced sexual trauma at a young age are also more likely to engage in infidelity as adults because the trauma may have affected their attachment, sexual identity, and type of relationships in adulthood, adds Alsaleem.
The third category are socio-cultural factors, including work, culture, family, friends, lifestyle, environmental stressors, etc. Survey data from Ashley Madison, a website that helps married people do business, shows that certain careers and occupations are more likely correlated with infidelity. These careers typically involve frequent travel; Exposing people to trauma; offer long, stressful hours; or offer unhealthy work environments (examples included military personnel, first responders, nurses, police officers, and vendors). This finding shows how socio-cultural factors can promote infidelity, Alsaleem notes.
Treatment of the trauma
Sometimes clients who experience partner infidelity meet the criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), says Gabrielle Usatynski, a licensed professional advisor (LPC) and founder of Power Couples Counseling in Boulder and Louisville, Colorado. Since the emotional response to infidelity (e.g. rumination of thoughts, sleep disorders, unpredictable behavior and moods, health problems, depression) can reflect reactions to other traumatic events, some therapists have started to describe the term stress disorder after infidelity this parallel.
"If you call up the DSM-5 and look up the PTSD criteria and change the word traumatic event to infidelity, it will be almost perfect in terms of symptom criteria," Alsaleem emphasizes. "There will be triggers, flashbacks, hypervigilance, avoidance behavior, and manifestations related to knowledge of the affair and everything related to the affair."
The consequences of infidelity can also affect other roles that people play, e.g. B. Parents or working people. This can lead to feelings of guilt and shame if they don't perform well in another area because they are preoccupied with the trauma of betrayal, he says.
Although Alsaleem had worked with couples for a while in the crisis, he found that none of the counseling tools he had acquired over the years dealt properly with infidelity. If consultants use a generic, trauma-based approach with infidelity, they may have a strategy to deal with the sensitivity of the problem, but they have no clear understanding of the obstacles and the steps required to overcome them he.
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Alsaleem began to write down observations of his clients dealing with infidelity and discovered several struggles that these clients shared regardless of the nature of their relationships, the length of their relationships, or their cultural or religious background. These struggles included defining infidelity, dealing with the emotional effects of infidelity, and controlling the meaning of the affair narrative. Alsaleem's observations prompted him to develop a systematic Affair Recovery Therapy (SART) that provides counselors with a treatment that couples can use to process and heal the trauma of sexual and emotional infidelity.
SART describes seven milestones that clients go through when they heal infidelity:
Creating the conditions for healing
Getting History
Acknowledgment of Effects
Choosing a Path
Creation of an action plan
Implementation and healing pains
Sustainability
“Your job [as a counselor] is to help you process what happened and make sense of it. So this trauma does not define the rest of their lives, be it as a dyad who rebuilds the relationship or as an individual who has decided to break up and move on to other relationships, ”says Alsaleem.
He warns that the process is not easy because customers often come across with jerky reactions to what they want to do. Consultants need to help clients resist impulsive decisions and instead encourage them to make decisions after taking the right steps and understanding why they are making their decisions, Alsaleem says.
Jennifer Meyer, a private practice LPC in Fort Collins, Colorado, finds it helpful for couples to write down their feelings and emotions, which can be very intense. From the beginning, she asked couples to share a diary and write their feelings back and forth.
After the couple had time to identify and process the cause of the infidelity, Meyer asked the unfaithful partner to write an apology letter and read it to the injured partner at the meeting. In this letter, the offending party communicates that they understand the pain they have caused and feel remorse for their actions. Even if the couple decides not to stay together, the letter helps repair the damage done by infidelity, and the partners can go forward (and eventually into new relationships) without carrying the pain and trauma with it Meyer.
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Navigating the affair tale
Some therapists avoid clients sharing details of infidelity because they fear it will do more harm or retraumatize clients, Alsaleem says. He argues that telling the affair is a painful but crucial part of recovery that can facilitate healing if done at the right level of disclosure.
Alsaleem devotes a full day in its SART training program to advisers on how to help clients share their affair stories without retraumatising (by sharing too much or too little information) and without minimizing or to exaggerate. When counseling on infidelity, “every mistake counts,” he says. “When people come in after discovering infidelity, be it recently or in the past, they are very fragile. Therefore, you must be strategic and adaptable, plan each intervention, and respond to the outcome of the intervention. ”
Meyer, a member of ACA and IAMFC, often states that customers want to ask the partner in question several detailed questions about the subtleties of the matter. Meyer is aware that the answers to these questions have the potential to cause even more injuries and trauma to their clients. That is why she is honest with couples and guides them through the process.
Alsaleem provides a brief example of how advisors can determine the appropriate level of disclosure when clients share their affair stories (but advises clinicians to educate themselves before trying this approach). He first asks the offending partner to be proactive and transparent when sharing the affair story. They shouldn't hide anything, he says, and they should do everything they can to show the injured partners the unpleasant truths that led to the affair. This is not to traumatize, he emphasizes, but to show the abusive partner's ability to be open and honest.
Alsaleem advises injured clients that they can ask anything they want about the matter. But before they ask, he helps them determine whether the question helps them understand what kind of affair it is or why the affair happened. If so, it's a fair question, he says.
For example, a customer who is concerned with a partner's sexual infidelity may want to ask, "What specific sexual activities have you performed?" If the partner who was unfaithful is dealing with a sexual addiction (an individual problem), the specific sexual activity is not important to understanding the motivation or error in the relationship, Alsaleem says. However, if the infidelity arises due to a compatibility problem (a dyadic problem), it would be a fair question since the betrayed would find out how they no longer meet their partner's sexual needs, he explains.
"The need behind the question [can be] is healthy and reasonable, but sometimes [clients are] does not ask the right question because they do not know how to address this need," added Alsaleem. He advises counselors to ask clients what they want to learn about the story with their questions and to help them find out if these questions are the best way to get this information while avoiding further trauma.
Matters can provoke intense emotions in the session, especially when the affair story is being discussed. To ensure that emotions don't escalate to an unproductive level, Meyer uses a pre-frame like "You seem calm at the moment, but it's difficult, and I want to make sure that you can both speak without being interrupted." If things get out of control, I'll ask for a break. You can both request time out. "
Meyer also uses her own body language – such as B. shooting up in her chair or getting up – when customers start screaming uncontrollably, or physically separating them for a few minutes by alternately going to the toilet or getting a glass of water. These subtle changes help clients calm down and avoid fighting, she explains.
Creation of an imbalance to facilitate healing
Usatynski, an ACA member who specializes in couples therapy, treats infidelity counseling differently than couples therapy, where betrayal is not the main topic. In normal couples therapy, she tries to keep the therapy as balanced as possible, focusing equally on the complaints of both partners and the unsolved problems that everyone brings into the relationship. But when it comes to infidelity, it deliberately creates an imbalance of power and initially allows the victim to have all the power. The offending party, on the other hand, cannot bring up any complaints about their partner or relationship until they have successfully addressed the injured partner's plight. This treatment only works if the offending party really regrets the damage they have done to their partner and expresses a genuine desire to re-establish the relationship, Usatynski adds.
Usatynski's approach stems from a psychobiological approach to couple therapy (PACT), which is a fusion of attachment theory, developmental neuroscience and excitation regulation developed by Stan Tatkin. If treachery is the main problem, this method requires customers to go through three phases while processing their relationship and trying to fix it.
The first phase deals with the trauma that the injured client has experienced by allowing him to express all his feelings about the betrayal. "It is when people feel they have to hold back [emotions] or cannot get angry, or there is no one listening to what actually causes trauma or at least makes it worse," Usatynski says.
The betrayed partner can also ask any question he would like to have about the matter at this stage, and the offending partner must answer honestly. Many therapists who work with betrayal are concerned that the injured partner will be traumatized by finding out the truth, Usatynski says. She admits that this is a legitimate concern, so therapists should support the injured partner throughout the process. However, she advises the therapist not to shy away from the truth because, as she explains, the only way to fix the relationship or build something new is through complete transparency.
When clients hesitate to ask about the issue, therapists need to investigate the hesitation with them. The injured partner might say that he doesn't want to know what happened because of the inability to deal with feelings of loss and the practical effects of the end of the relationship, Usatynski adds.
During this initial phase, the offending partner has no bargaining power. You just have to sit and endure the anger and research of the person who cheated on you, Usatynski explains.
The second phase of PACT involves the offending partner giving the betrayed the necessary support to correct the breach in the bond between them, Usatynski says. This phase could include declarations of engagement, appreciation or praise, as well as loving actions by the partner concerned. However, only the injured partner can decide which behaviors are reparative, she explains. The goal of this phase is the dissolution.
During the third phase, the injured partner lets the offending partner out of the "doghouse" and together the couple decides on the new rules and the new relationship contract that they will have in the future, says Usatynski.
According to PACT, dysregulation of one's own nervous system (e.g. during hyperarousal or hypoarousal conditions) can lead to discord between the couple, Usatynski says. Therefore, counselors should not only track clients for signs of dysregulation, but also teach couples how to track each other's nervous systems.
When Usatynski notices a client showing signs of dysregulation (e.g. changes in skin color, posture, or voice tone), he asks the other partner if he recognizes the change. For example, she could say, "Did you see how your partner's skin color just changed when he or she said that? What do you think is going on with him or her?"
The goal is interactive regulation – the couple learns the specific strategies that calm, regulate and excite each other, Usatynski notes. "These persecution skills are particularly important after betrayal because … [they help the offending partner] develop greater awareness of how their behavior affects their partner. These skills also increase sensitivity and empathy, ”she explains.
A silver lining?
Alsaleem compares infidelity to a heart attack for the relationship. "It's a critical wake-up call," he explains. "It really forces [clients] to put all cards on the table and make an informed decision." Do you commit to address any shortcomings and work towards a better, stronger relationship, or do you end your relationship and find new, healthier relationships?
Alsaleem says some of his clients started therapy that was destroyed by the trauma of infidelity, but in the end they admitted that they were almost happy that it had happened because ultimately it made her have the relationship you always wanted with your partner. For some people, infidelity is the catalyst that ultimately enables them to break free, he explains.
When customers choose to repair their relationship, Meyer helps them develop a new, explicitly established contract about the rules in their future relationship. She asks them to write down their approval of these new relationship rules (including how quickly they would let their partner know that they have experienced a compromising situation and what constitutes infidelity in the future) and how they could be vulnerable to future affairs.
"As consultants, we cannot assume that every couple wants or needs strict monogamy," added Meyer. This new agreement can take many forms depending on the relationship. For example, partners in a steady relationship can agree that it is okay to have sex with someone else as long as they first discuss it with their partner or keep everything open.
Of course, in the unfaithful advice, clients can also decide to end their relationship. Nevertheless, by coming to the counseling center, clients have taken the first step to ensure that infidelity does not determine the rest of their lives, Alsaleem notes.
“Infidelity is a terrible event, but it doesn't have to be devastating. It actually has a silver lining. Infidelity – as terrible as it is to experience, as terrible as it is to happen – can actually be a good thing to help people change their lives, ”says Alsaleem. "If treated appropriately, it can enrich people's lives, make them more resilient, and improve them in the long term."
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Related Reading: An online companion article to this feature, “Helping Customers Rebuild After Separation or Divorce,” offers strategies that help customers process their grief and start over.
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Lindsey Phillips is the author of Counseling Today and a UX content strategist. Contact them at [email protected] or through their website at lindseynphillips.com.
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