[ NOTE: This is the second track in a COVID-19 recovery series. See the first installment here.]
Elsa, my 2 year old poodle, and I enjoy our routine neighborhood walks. It's gotten more common since the onset of COVID-19, and we both look forward to the fresh air, the change of scene, and connecting with the neighbors in passing (socially distant, of course). That day we approached my new neighbors' house. They are a young couple and when we last met they said they were pregnant and expecting their first child. They had just stopped in their driveway and were getting out when we approached them. "I'll get him," the husband called to his wife as he got out of the car. "Oh, they had a boy," I thought. "How wonderful." I slowed my pace to see if I could have a look across the street, where Elsa and I were dawdling. He opened the back door of his vehicle and unbuckled his son. Imagine my surprise when a toddler jumped out of the car! When did that happen ?!
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I heard 2020 is the year that was not . Since we all stayed safe in our homes and socially distanced ourselves from friends and family, a whole year passed – without us. Oh, things have happened, but many of us have not been able to attend the regular encounters that enrich our lives. Weddings, births, celebrations, graduations, and even funerals took place in non-traditional and much more private ways. The gatherings consisted of virtual or outdoor activities. Basic shopping was outsourced to delivery services, and additional errands were done with shielded faces and six feet apart.
To make matters worse, the arrival of 2021 did not magically eradicate the pandemic or correct the social injustices and political tensions experienced. The losses were and are great. At the time of this column's publication, the World Health Organization reports 116 million confirmed cases of COVID-19 worldwide, and over 2.5 million people have died.
Navigating death during a pandemic is not a challenge, as I learned when my father-in-law recently passed away. He had contracted COVID-19 together with other residents of his assisted living community. He had recovered, but never completely. On Friday January 30th, we received a call that his health was not good. My husband and I rushed to the facility where he lived. After we tested negative for a COVID rapid test, we put on a mask, shield and body to get into my father-in-law's room. Aside from visits where we spoke through his window while standing outside, it was the first time we'd seen him in several months. He did not respond, but rested peacefully. My husband asked me to put Pandora on Glen Miller (one of his father's favorite musicians) and told his father about everything we had seen since our last visit. We roamed over the holidays (which we couldn't experience together), the renovations we had started, and our hope that the family would gather together as soon as possible.
Since only two people could visit at the same time, we had to end our visit when my brother-in-law and his wife arrived. My husband and I stood on either side of my father-in-law, rubbing his arm and holding his hand and telling him we would see him soon. We left knowing it would be our last time with him. He died early the next morning.
The grief associated with this loss is profound. As I discussed in a previous article, "Advice to the Connoisseur: Death and Grief During COVID-19," the traditional rituals that help restore grief are often changed or absent due to pandemic safety protocols.
In addition to the loved ones we have lost, there have been a multitude of other losses, actual and symbolic. Symbolic loss is often intangible. Sometimes it comes with death but is not recognized as a loss. For example, my father-in-law's memorial service is being delayed until it can be safely gathered, preventing the emotional shutdown that funerals and memorials create in the grief restoration process.
Other noticeable losses are the millions of jobs lost due to the economic impact of the pandemic. The loss of community and social support during isolation and quarantine may not be quantifiable and therefore “intangible”, but its impact is significant. Besides, life happened – without our gathering to record or mark it. The loss caused by our inability to gather together for significant events becomes increasingly evident as we begin (in time) to reconnect with friends and family.
For example, after being fully vaccinated with the Pfizer vaccine and continuing to follow the Center for Disease Control's safety protocol, I returned to some of my favorite group fitness classes (now small, ventilated, physically distant, and masked). It felt like coming home after a yearlong hiatus. The four or five of us in attendance spent the first few minutes of class just catching up. "So what did you do last year?" It was scary how life had gone on for each of us separately. There had been cancer remissions, divorces, and retirements, along with weddings and newborn babies. Aside from what I like to call a "COVID pillow" for a few pounds of weight gain for some of us, they all looked the same. They looked great. I hadn't realized how much I missed this community of women I'd sweated side by side with for over twenty years!
There have been so many casualties this year and the eager anticipation of a return to some semblance of normalcy is palpable. However, things have changed and it is important to prepare our customers and ourselves with tools to deal with the losses caused by the pandemic.
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Loss of navigation
Prepare for change: Life has gone on and things have changed. A whole year has passed in the life of our family and friends. While you may have stayed in touch, it will be different when it is safe to get back together this year. People can have died or moved. New members may have joined the family or friend group. Expect a change.
Acknowledge Loss: Recognize the changes. Honor the losses. Gatherings can be bittersweet. So much time passed by. So much has been missed. So much economic hardship for so many people. Talk about it. Diary. Find therapeutic support.
You can't go back, but you can go forward: The truth is that even if it is safe to resume previous activity, it will never be the same. That can not be. Too much has happened. While we may mourn the past, it may not be a bad thing. Maybe we can use our experiences and create a better future with what we know now. Like C.S. Lewis suggested, "You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the end."
The pandemic has resulted in a great deal of loss. While we are aware of the actual deaths, we must also be aware of the symbolic losses that we have experienced. We can acknowledge the sadness of missing out on life experiences, the inability to provide personal comfort when family and friends struggle with health or economic problems, or the loss of group celebrations. We can see the cumulative grief and fear caused by the pandemic and political injustices. We can prepare for the shock and grief that may come with our re-entry into our lives after the lockdown next year, anticipate the changes that occurred while we were protected, and prepare for that life goes on.
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Cheryl Fisher
Cheryl Fisher is a licensed private practice clinical professional advisor based in Annapolis, Maryland. She is the director and assistant professor for the Online MA in Clinical Counseling at Alliant International University California School of Professional Psychology. Her research interests include the study of sexuality and spirituality in young women with advanced breast cancer; nature-informed therapy; and geek therapy. She can be contacted at [email protected].
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