“The pressure to be grateful kept me from the more painful and real feelings of sadness, anger, and abandonment. When I was growing up, gratitude was another building block that kept all the secrets of abuse. It was just one more thing that made me feel like I am what I am is not enough. "~ Vicki Peterson
The path to gratitude for someone with developmental trauma is not always easy.
You try your best and even buy a diary to try out the ritual yourself, but all you can think of to be thankful for is the usual storage material, like a roof over your head and your warm bed.
Sometimes you think: "I should be grateful for this or that", but your heart is silent.
If so, you are not alone.
Gratitude practice has become part of self-development and therapy, but when you tell a traumatized person "be thankful for what you have," they may feel worse.
That happened to me too. I tried, but the feeling was not there and the eternal "something doesn't have to be right with me" hit me in the head.
Then one day I went along the fjord and watched the waves gently touching the sandy beaches. I consciously thought about how happy I was to live in this picturesque place, but asked myself: "Why can't I feel it?"
"Your childhood holds the key." The thought suddenly touched me and began to unwind like a serpentine ribbon thrown into the air.
And everything started to make sense.
Meet the ungrateful pig
I grew up with an unhappy mother who had to deal with a legacy of emotional abuse and personality disorder that has been in her family for generations. A fragile sense of self-esteem, chronic anxiety, and depression kept her imprisoned in an eternal drama.
All she could do was project her pain onto us – my father and me. The people she loved and who loved her in her own destructive way.
Mama tried her best and she never failed to satisfy our physical needs. She even sewed bright clothes for me when my friends wore the boring, informal outfits of our communist past. But the price was high: total obedience and gratitude, even for abuse.
Be grateful that I gave you life. I almost died!
Do you know how many children have no mothers, you ungrateful pig ?!
Thank you for not being sent to an orphanage.
You have everything you need. Why can't you just shut up and be thankful?
Was I grateful?
Yes, that was me, as my instinct had suggested. Mom not only minimized or dismissed my feelings and needs, she also wanted me to like the pain associated with gratitude. Every gratitude I felt was associated with shame, anger and hopelessness. This forced gratitude was abuse in itself.
And when I thanked me, I felt hurt to the core.
I grew up and accepted my mother as she was. I forgave her in time, but gratitude was a stumbling block on my healing path. So I pushed the diary onto the back of my bookshelf, somewhere between Nietzsche and the South Beach Diet.
How could I appreciate the word "gratitude" if I even lost the meaning of it? How could I trust myself, my experiences and my feelings?
Now I understand, but I still haven't felt. See you last week.
Let me explain.
The path to gratitude is through curly hair
A week ago I was talking to my hairdresser while she was treating my curly hair. It's the guy you think you've got it in perfect shape, and a moment later it turns into something else, like an ink pool that shifts with the slightest movement of the paper.
We talked about families and politics, then straight curly hair types, and she complimented me. I was unexpectedly grateful for the unruly hair I have: it fits my face so well.
But I always knew that. What made the difference this time?
Silke, my hairdresser, is one of the most beautiful people I know. She is real, nice and funny and I like to spend time with her. When she congratulated my hair, I felt good not only about this physical part of me, but also about myself. At that moment something changed and I finally switched from "I think" to "I feel".
I still have some work to do, but I finally know what gratitude feels like.
There's nothing wrong with you
As a child, you had no place or strength to fight the adults in your life, so you hid your feelings to protect yourself. To feel again, you have to accept and have your unique experiences, both good and bad.
You must process these forbidden, subdued feelings that you still carry within yourself – sadness, anger, and shame – to make room for joy, compassion, and gratitude. Reconnect with your wise self and change your perception of life.
If you are able to hold the good and the bad at the same time and see the other side of events, you may be grateful for the strength of your resilience that has helped you survive. Cordiality towards someone who gave you love when your parents couldn't. Be thankful for the compassionate and sensitive side of you that is tailored to the needs of others.
But you don't have to be thankful for pain.
Gratitude is good for you
Gratitude brings positivity, improves well-being and gives your health a boost. Do you want it? Great, let's go!
I want you to do the following. Pay attention to the things in your everyday life that make you feel good and attune yourself to your senses. Notice these subtle but clear “here and now” em feelings in your body – they are the essential parts of any experience you want to know.
Notice how gentle the warm sun feels on your skin and how soothing the singing of the birds is.
Feel the warmth in your chest when you look into the eyes of a child and the wiggle in your belly when your lover holds you in his hands.
See how the smell of freshly baked bread takes you back to your happiest memories and a subtle caramel taste of your favorite tea.
Notice a smile on your face in response to a friendly smile from a passing stranger or how good it feels when the evening breeze caresses your hair.
Be aware of the feeling of sand between your toes and the rhythm of your breathing.
Then, before going to bed, you can capture these "here and now" joys no matter how short they were. Learn to take care of your surroundings and your body.
For example, I go to bed relaxed and happy tonight after spending a day with an old friend. We had a great time walking in the park, talking about things that are important to both of us, and rethinking shared memories. I will remember being heard and understood and remembering the warmth in my chest. I will end my day with this authentic thank you.
There are many little things you can notice every day when you pay attention and practice your awareness – they are the source of joy and gratitude. Examine them!
Learning to become aware of the moment and the physical sensations associated with it takes time and practice, but it is worth it. It helps to restore the authentic feeling of gratitude and minimize the numbness that many people have to deal with developmental trauma.
You can do it!
About Irina Bengtson
Irina is a daughter of a narcissistic mother, clinical psychologist, and founder of www.LoveGrowBeHappy.com. She combines her expertise with a healing experience to help other daughters of narcissistic, hurtful mothers free themselves from their dysfunctional relationships. She is a creator of online courses. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO RELAX AND ENJOY LIFE NOW.
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