“Just a reminder in case your mind is playing tricks on you today: You are important. You are important. You are loved. Your presence on this earth makes a difference where you see it or not. "~ Unknown
Today I woke up feeling that nothing I do matters. I didn't mean to wake up like this, but I did.
I got up, brushed my teeth, and went through the motions until things felt unbearable in my head.
The first thing I did was try to argue with myself, tell myself that of course I am important. I tell everyone else in my life that they are important and enough as they are. But I have a tiny voice in my head that feels loud. I just sing, "You know you are rubbish, people lie to you. They know that you do terrible things and have hurt other people. Just give up."
It reminds me of every mistake I've ever made. It attacks me with memories of my injury, the way I put something, or reminds me of someone who blocked me on social media or just said, "I don't like her because of xyz."
This feels immobilizing. When I finish this thought process, I cannot leave the living room chair I am sitting on. I pull a blanket to my chin, curl up in a little ball, and start crying. "You're right," I tell myself. "You win. I should just give up."
My mind revolves around everything I've ever done that went unnoticed and that didn't interest anyone. Few people read the essays I have written. The points I made were later recycled and continued to work once someone else made the same points that didn't seem important when they came from me. And I have the overwhelming feeling that I deserve the bad reception because I am bad too.
Anyway, there are dozens of things I've done that have been greatly appreciated. That made a difference. That moved someone else so much that he said: "That helped me."
Regardless, sometimes we cannot control algorithms, SEO and the like.
It doesn't matter that you sometimes make a stupid spelling mistake, even though you have reread your piece fourteen times. You just didn't realize it, but people got shut off from the play because of it.
That's the thing. As a mental health attorney, some days I feel like my whole purpose is to hear someone say, "That helped me." And if I haven't helped anyone, why did I do it?
But while I was worrying about who I was helping, and if my help was noticed, I may have forgotten to help myself.
All the clichés about putting on my own oxygen mask first, filling my own cup to fill others, are memories that I need every day or I risk becoming my own victim.
And to be honest, there is nothing worse for me than someone who helps other people just to be a martyr. They keep trying to help others but neglect themselves so they can say, "I almost died doing things for other people."
Who are you useful for when you're dead or just burned out? The battle to raise mental health awareness and end the stigma has been a protracted one. And if my goal is really to help others be there in the long run, then I need to find a reason to do the same for myself.
That mean voice feels so loud, but suddenly an argument comes to mind.
The other side finally feels able to speak because, although mentally exhausted, I kept pushing against the part of me that was convinced that I deserve nothing. I told the quieter voice that if I screw it up, it would be okay. That this doesn't negate everything I've done has helped someone, and yes, even if it was just one person. Even if it only helped me get it into the universe.
And actually the main thing is: Everything we do does not have to be important on a large scale. It doesn't have to leave others speechless. It doesn't have to change the world. It's something to be proud of.
Suddenly I feel a little sense of lightness. I'm tired of arguing with myself. I'm tense from sitting in a tight ball with my jaw clenched the whole time. I am untangling. I let go of my jaw. I breathe in deeply and release more tension as I breathe out. I decide to open my laptop and write about what was going on in my head.
If you've ever felt like nothing you do is important and it's never good enough – like you have to do more or be more for people to notice that you are important and you are good enough – , here is what i & # 39; d as you know:
You can just live. You can only be you. You are allowed to just exist and that is enough. Some days you can be content with just breathing. And you can be proud of yourself because you want to help others, even if on some days it looks like you haven't helped anyone but yourself. It's enough. You are enough
About Marie Shanley
Marie Shanley, also known as Mxiety, is a Twitch partner and host of the second largest mental health talk show on the platform. She is also a writer and medical program manager and is committed to making mental health information accessible to all through expert and attorney interviews, live open discussions, and sharing her personal story. You can find her on Mxiety.com and follow her on Twitter and Twitch.
Do you see a typo or inaccuracy? Please contact us so we can fix the problem!
