"You yourself deserve your love and affection like everyone else in the entire universe." ~ Buddha
This unprecedented time has given us the opportunity to pause, reflect, and focus on the things that are really important in our lives. As an unexpected benefit, the need for social distancing has set much-needed personal boundaries for many of us.
I grew up at a time when children were seen and not heard, but we were never encouraged to have personal boundaries. We lacked privacy and lack of understanding of the need to spend time alone. It reminds me of a scene in a Woody Allen movie where the husband is in the bathroom and the wife is yelling at him through the door. When the phone rang, my mother would answer and often listen to the other phone until I told her to hang up.
With increasing age I became aware of the need to have autonomous relationships with healthy boundaries. When I was fifty something happened. I no longer had the energy or the desire to give situations that were not healthy.
Last year I had some health problems that arose from being allowed to interfere in situations with unhealthy boundaries. The stress I experienced weakened my immune system and made me more susceptible to illness. I am no longer willing to put my health at risk in unhealthy situations.
At some point in our life we all have to "face our souls", as Carl Jung once wrote, and do inner work on ourselves in order to heal and transform ourselves.
I realized that the only way to healthy, nurturing relationships is for both parties to look into themselves and recognize unhealthy patterns so that they can do the necessary work for transformation.
This time it really helped me reassess my personal boundaries and reassess the need for them and the freedom within them. Boundaries empower us by letting others know what works for us and what doesn't, and by protecting our personal space and energy.
“Personal boundaries are physical, emotional, spiritual or relational boundaries that define us as separate from others. Setting limits means that we don't adjust to other people's beliefs, standards and feelings, but rather to adjust to our own. We learn to develop more solid self-esteem that will help us take control of what is important to us and make decisions that serve our value system. "~ Matot-Massei
Interestingly, if you have had border problems with family members, you most likely have similar problems in your personal relationships.
For example, in needy, interdependent relationships there are no healthy boundaries. The boundaries of the individual are broken so that they must sacrifice their own identity in order to gain the outward love and affection they crave by meeting someone else's needs and expectations. If you sacrifice your identity to meet someone else's expectations, you will lose your confidence and self-esteem.
Some people tend to blame others for their feelings and the resulting behavior and to become victims. They are waiting for someone to come and save them and give them the love and attention they want. In this way they have given up all their power.
Setting healthy boundaries enables you, and hopefully will teach others in your life to do the same and learn how to take responsibility for yourself. Remember, it is not your job to do this for them. Learning to love yourself is really the key to this process.
When you are in such a relationship you have to ask yourself whether you are helping or activating?
Activation can often be disguised as an aid, but the repeated rescue of a person from the consequences of his own behavior leads to unhealthy behavior patterns.
When you set healthy boundaries, you not only strengthen yourself, but you can also enable others in your life to take responsibility for themselves and to solve their own problems and problems.
When you stop saving, you are helping them to access their own inner strengths and realize their own potential. Otherwise, they will constantly look for answers and solutions outside of themselves, always feeling needy, incapable, and powerless.
How to create healthy boundaries
Know yourself.
When you become aware of your thoughts, needs, habits, likes, dislikes, values and emotional reactions, you can better understand who you are. Knowing who you are, who you want to be, and what your limits are, can help you build positive relationships with like-minded people.
When you become aware of what is emotionally demanding and stressful, you can learn to deal with yourself in such situations. Learn to let go of what doesn't feel right to you anymore.
Here are some situations that can be emotionally stressful or stressful:
To be with someone who has negative energy, is manipulative, threatening, accusing, bullying, or angry
Going through a significant life change, such as the death of a loved one, moving to a new home, losing a job, or divorce
Unrealistic expectations for meeting someone's needs in your life
Feeling responsible for the feelings of others
Believing in your happiness depends on the actions of others
Difficulty asking what you need because you are afraid of losing love (perhaps because you experienced disapproval when you didn't behave particularly well as a child)
Feeling responsible for someone else's happiness
Become aware of your patterns.
Unfortunately, most of us are connected to our patterns. In general, it is most likely the narrative that has been running through our lives for quite some time. How you behave in certain situations becomes a habit. In order to break a habit, you need to become aware of your patterns and your knee-jerk reactions to not giving them oxygen.
Due to the Covid situation, my mother moved in with me. My mom has always been a picky eater, and she tends to be interested in meat or creamy dairy dishes that reflect the way she was raised. However, if you've seen the recipes and pictures I post, you will know that what I am preparing is the opposite. As a result, my mother has had to make a complete diet change since she arrived here.
We joke about this change and the fact that she lost several unwanted pounds by eating this way, but from time to time she makes a negative comment and whines about having to eat so many vegetables. That is when my patterned behavior kicks in to please her and I return to my jerky reaction of going defensive and creating a chill in the air.
I recognized my part in this situation and discussed with her that although we would continue to eat healthily, we understood that this was a big change for her. We decided to cook or order a meal of her choice once a week and she stopped commenting negatively on our meals. That compromise gave her something to look forward to and helped with this problem.
I realized that this was just another opportunity to see myself through a different lens and learn how to react without taking it personally.
When you have problems that keep coming up it is important to identify the root cause and your role in them (we always have a role in them) and become aware of the pattern. At this point it becomes important to learn to "catch yourself when you fall". And then forgive yourself.
It reminds me of My autobiography in five short paragraphs by Portia Nelson. If we react to events in our life simply out of habit, we may not see clearly until we become aware, take responsibility, and make healthy changes to break free of our unhealthy patterns.
Jack Canfield says that "event + reaction = outcome". You may not be in control or responsible for the event, but you control and are responsible for your response. Learn to think things through and to be thoughtful instead of jerky.
Let go of self-judgment.
To make changes you have to be your own cheerleader and embrace who you are and how far you have come. Don't hide from your true self. If you screw it up, acknowledge it, forgive yourself, let go of it, and know when the next time you'll do a better job. The faster you can do this, the easier it will be. Don't judge yourself if you screw it up. Tomorrow is another day.
Pause.
Before you react to anything, stop and contact yourself. Is that a healthy answer? Do I keep the problem? Do I activate the behavior? Is my answer based on my own need or my own fear? Is that an old pattern that is no longer healthy?
Take a few deep breaths before you answer. A conscious reaction is better than a reaction in the moment.
If you keep calm you will find that changing your behavior will help you and the others in your life. Making a calm decision to change your behavior actually puts you in control and gives you back your strength. This requires letting go of the fear that failure to follow the old pattern could lead to a loss of love. Ultimately, that's what it is about.
That brings me to my next point …
Work on letting go of your attachment to the results.
I go through times when it is easier to let go and just go with the flow. I do it consciously and as a conscious decision. I feel that my certainty and my confidence in myself are coming in waves. When I can let go completely, I feel calm and can be in the moment.
When I was much younger I had a very difficult relationship with unhealthy boundaries. Jeff (not his real name) was divorced and had no children. So it seemed like it should work. Even though they were divorced, Jeff and his ex-wife remained friends and spoke on the phone frequently. She would be coming to visit, and he kept running errands for her and helping her out when she asked.
I really felt a strong violation of my personal boundaries and my instincts told me that it was not the right situation for me. But I could see potential in it and I wanted it to work. I stayed in this situation until I learned to trust my own inner knowing.
When I could finally let go of my attachment to the hope that this relationship could be something it would never be, I was able to free myself from this unhealthy situation.
Letting go of someone you care about is not easy, but self-care is about prioritizing your own wellbeing. That relationship became a major turning point for me because of the crucial lessons I learned.
Learn to say no.
No is a complete sentence. You don't need to feel guilty about expressing yourself. If you say no, no further explanation is required. You can choose: "No, that won't work for me" or "No, that won't be possible". Otherwise nothing is required.
It is important to express how you are feeling and to ask what you need. This is about finding your voice and making sure you are valued by setting healthy boundaries that empower you and the others in your life.
Your peace of mind and self-confidence are more important than anything else. Adjusting to the needs and expectations of others can cause stress, weaken your immunity, and make you more susceptible to disease. It is so important to learn to say "no" when you need to and to move away from situations that are unhealthy. Anything else is just not worth your time or energy.
About Ara Wiseman
Ara Wiseman is a leading nutritionist, author, teacher, and lecturer. Her private practice focuses on mental well-being, weight loss, and weight-related health issues including type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and heart disease. Ara is currently working in a medical clinic to help patients with chronic care with their health. Ara has written and published three books; Feed your body feed your soul, a gentler you and the healing option. Visit her at arawiseman.com. Instagram / Facebook
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