"If your compassion does not include you, it is incomplete." ~ Buddha
Just the other day I had one of those moments with my husband and not the moment they write about in romance novels.
The world has been so different in the last few months and so many are feeling the effects of months of struggle, insecurities, frustrations and limitations.
I see myself as someone who works to see the positive, finds the silver in situations and believes in the best people and that things can and will get better and better. But lately it's been more of a fight.
My husband is amazing and incredible in many ways, but it is always more likely that he will see the bottom fall out, expect bad things, and grapple with the limitations and restrictions that are placed on him.
After trying really hard and I mean really, really hard to stay positive, my better half kept dipping into the garbage dumps and I finally hit my wall.
After sitting at lunch and realizing that I really don't want to spend the rest of the day like this, I gave him a way out of this tension and clear hostility that is increasing with every minute. I told him to go to his friends, take some time for myself, and try to let go of his frustration at least a little for at least a moment (in the hope that this would also free some of me).
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And then I went out a bit dramatic, like in the movie, when you don't even bother to look back. More like a hassle.
My first thought was that he was driving me crazy, which he has been consistently doing for nearly thirty years, while acknowledging that the past few months have been terrible.
I felt angry and then came back to the question: “Why is it so difficult right now? Why is he like that? Why does it bother me that he is like that? Why can't we just find out and be gracious? "
The simple answer is that things just sucks right now. Sugarcoating seems to downplay the effects of what so many are experiencing, and it minimizes the struggle, which is pretty real.
At the moment we are experiencing a pandemic that has changed the whole world and the way it is, in a way that few of us have ever known. We have seen economies struggle to keep up. Lives are lost. Quarantines have been set up.
There is no normal for so many, but somehow we should still "act normally".
It is a struggle and coping well with it can feel like an almost impossible task, making people feel like they are failing personally while they are already hurt in other ways. Family members feel impatient with one another. Couples argue more. People lose their temper quickly and feel anxious, sad or angry about their lack of control in the moment even faster.
People are frustrated, they are afraid. The times are uncertain and there is a sense of darkness and doom that still preoccupies so many people.
There is a sense of powerlessness and so many people continue to describe the feeling of being "stuck". Plans cannot really be made. Vacation is not possible. Normal life still ceases to exist and no one can really tell if or when things will gain a sense of permanence.
We need to realize how stressful this can be, not only for our spiritual well-being but also in our daily lives when we interact with those we love most.
After the dramatic exit and a few minutes of driving, the more logical part of me took control for a moment.
I realized that in situations that feel chaotic, we all need a little "Chaos Coping Checklist", or maybe it could now be a "COVID Coping Checklist" to get through these stressful times, That we all work hard through, day after day. Here is mine.
1st stop. And breathe.
Never underestimate the strength you give yourself by just stopping and breathing. Allow yourself to pause and be careful with your breath. Take a few slow breaths to reconnect with yourself rather than just the heat of the moment. Let your breath fill you, guide you and calm you down.
2. Acknowledge your feelings.
Don't deny yourself the right to be angry, sad, or frustrated. And don't deny your partner, friend, family or colleague this right either. And definitely don't judge your emotions as unworthy or valid. Our feelings are understandable given the current state and often point us to what we need. So listen to them and honor them.
3. Just because you love her you don't always have to like her.
Remember that you love someone unconditionally and still you can be angry with them, get hurt by them, or want time or space apart from them.
Couples who are together forever still have differences of opinion. Parents get frustrated with their children. Friends can rub each other wrong.
We are human, error-prone and can sometimes be easily overwhelmed. It's okay not to like the one you love every moment of the day. Reminding yourself of this can help you focus more on love and less on dislike.
4. Give yourself (and others) a break.
Physically and mentally. Take a moment (or as much as possible and necessary) to remove yourself from a situation.
Maybe you have to go for a walk alone or go to another room and get lost in some music. Have a quiet spot and read something calming or inspiring, or have a glass of wine and watch the rom-com or action movie you wanted to see. Just take a break, you deserve it.
5. Accept that it is okay not to be okay now.
Even if you are the person who always sees the rainbow or the good side of a situation after the storm, you may not feel able to do so right now. And that's okay.
When even the cheerful in the room feel gloomy, those who are more likely to see the storm may feel like they are drowning in it. Also, remind them that it is okay and offer any assistance you can if you are able. One day, hopefully soon, we will all be fine.
6. Give yourself and those you love the gift of compassion.
Nobody out there is perfect, and we should never strive for perfection. Instead, make an effort to be better than you were before. If yesterday was tough, see what you can learn from it. Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. If you need to forgive someone for snapping at you or forgiving yourself for being tough, give this gift.
Ease the burden you carry by replacing it with more compassion. Perhaps now is not the time for high, unattainable expectations, but for gentle exercises in kindness and consideration for others, but especially for yourself.
These are difficult times. Perhaps the best we can do for ourselves and the people we love is to understand that these "moments" are about to come.
Having these difficult moments with our loved ones, as I did myself, doesn't mean that you are somehow not or that you are not the amazing person you want to be. It doesn't mean that being angry, scared, or worried you are just failing somehow. It means that you are human.
7. Look for gratitude even in the midst of chaos.
During difficult times and when you feel unable to find your balance, gratitude can be a tool for comfort. It can remind you that even if you feel frustrated, doubtful, and stressed out, if you seek it, you will find your blessings.
Perhaps you have a family, even if it gets on your nerves. Perhaps you are grateful for the roof over your head that you so desperately want to escape from for a while. You may be blessed to have a job that allows you to work from home, even if you prefer to be at work.
Gratitude can help alleviate your anxiety, and if the fearful feelings are drifting you in a storm, your ability to find blessings and feel grateful can ground you and make you feel abundant even in difficult times.
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The truth is that everyone is doing the best they can. Using a mental checklist for the times when we are overwhelmed gives us a chance to structure ourselves in the chaos. And using such a checklist, shared and read by many, can remind anyone that the struggle is real, but we are all in it together.
The next day – after going through this whole checklist – the frustration subsided, the smoke cleared and I started looking for my silver lining again.
I will try to follow this checklist as often as necessary and be as gentle as possible with my loved ones, but also with myself, so that my compassion is complete.
About Jenna Rector
Jenna Rector is a consultant, blogger and author. Her first children's book, "The Amazing Livy Loo and the Things She Can Do," was recently published. Her experience as a wife, mother and grandmother combined with her degrees in psychology and counseling that inspire her to write to help people of all ages overcome obstacles and live their best lives. To learn more about Jenna, you can visit her at www.jennarectorwrites.com.
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