“And yet after all this time the sun never said to earth: 'You owe me something. & # 39; See what happens to such a love. It lights up the sky. "~ Rumi
I grew up believing that love is conditional. My grandmother, as much as I adored her, was extremely controlling, and when I did not live up to her high standards of conduct and paid her a certain amount of attention, she treated me coldly.
Whenever she disapproved of my behavior, she would tell me: "I love you, but I don't like you." As if she had a switch that she could toggle on and off that would stop or start the flow of love from her heart.
When I was in good hands, she gave me the world.
After my grandfather passed away, I gave her a lot of support and attention. As such, she became very loving and generous towards me. Help me pay off my credit cards, give me valuable jewelry, and praise me for my achievements. It felt amazing to be loved by her. But this kind of conditional love is unsustainable.
Eventually I fell out of favor and the switch went off again. The flow of love stopped. This pattern continued until she passed away a few years ago.
I do not blame her or claim to be a victim as I understand that she learned this behavior from her own mother and it has been passed down through generations. Even more devastating was that she grew up in Nazi Germany, where her family was accused of being Jewish. These are deep, multi-generation wounds that need to be healed.
As an adult I am aware enough to break this inherited cycle. I see how I have repeated this pattern in my own relationships.
I care a lot and give to others. This is my love language and it feels good to give. However, when a relationship ends or the flow of love ceases, I feel these old emotional wounds reappear.
When the love I am trying to give is rejected it causes a lot of pain and distress and makes me question my own worth. I make it mean something about myself like I did with my grandmother. That I am not enough, worthy, or lovable.
I also withheld love and affection for others when I felt vulnerable or hurt. We mirror for each other the parts of us that we reject, the parts of us that need healing.
I've realized that the only way to break my unhealthy relationship patterns is to heal my emotional wounds and develop love for myself.
How can we cultivate self-love and change our relationship patterns?
1. Become an observer.
The first step towards breaking down the barriers that hinder self-love is to become aware of our thoughts. By observing our thoughts, we can begin to identify our own destructive patterns and change our thinking. As the Buddha said, “Everything we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become. "Our thoughts become our words, our words become our actions and our actions become our lives.
So often we stand on our own path. By living in our own personal dramas. Through our stories and conditioned thought patterns. Our inability to see things for what they actually are. So many of these barriers exist in our own mind.
In order to become more aware of our thoughts, we have to create space to simply be still and observe them. Meditation and mindfulness are powerful tools for developing awareness.
If we want to go a step further, we can write down the flow of thoughts and from this room see the often ridiculous nonsense that our mind generates. The more space we have from our thoughts, the more we can find peace within ourselves and decide where we want to direct our energy.
2. Find ease in your solitude.
I find it extremely inappropriate to be alone. I have this irrational need to be in constant communication with others, and at the same time, when I feel suffocated or overwhelmed, I have a strong need to withdraw and go inside.
Then often, when I am alone, the negative thoughts and questions of value reappear. My mind repeats all the ways that I have failed in my relationships and in my life. I get sad or angry or hurt when I put energy into these thoughts. It's a poisonous dance with my own thoughts and feelings.
There is a difference between being alone and loneliness. Being lonely is where we feel isolated and separated from others and from ourselves. To be alone means to be comfortable with ourselves to sit still in our own presence. To calm the mind and just be present with our breath.
If it is easy for us to be alone with ourselves, we can move away from a place of self-love rather than a place of need or insecurity. The more comfortable we feel, the easier we will experience in our relationships that are based on an open flow of mutual love and acceptance.
3. See love everywhere.
I often ask myself why I am so worried about the few people who treat me unkindly when love exists everywhere and in me.
There are many cases in my life where I have been rejected and I deal with these relationships for weeks. Meanwhile, my best friend or my puppy or a stranger on the street shows love for me.
When we focus on what is missing, it excludes us from the flow of abundance that is always available – the love shown in nature, the love that flows from other relationships in our life, the love that exists in our own heart.
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When we shift our focus from what is missing and see what is right in front of us, we develop heightened awareness and attract similar situations, relationships and experiences.
4. Practice presence, trust and devotion.
The more present we become, the less we live in our thoughts and the more we move with the flow of life.
We can always choose a higher way of acceptance. When we find ourselves in a situation or relationship that is not in our best interests, we can choose not to take things personally or to let them mean something about ourselves. We can have enough self-respect to move away from a relationship or situation that is not healthy.
Trust lets go and lets the beauty of life flow through us. If we could trust our way, just as we trust our own breath, that with each exhale there is a new inhalation and replenishes us, then maybe it would be easier to let go.
Loosening attachments is a regular practice for me, which is why I tattooed the word "surrender" in Sanskrit as a daily reminder on my ankle.
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One of my favorite books, The Mastery of Love, by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr., tells the story of magical cuisine.
The story goes as follows: Imagine you have a magical kitchen. You have so much abundance and great food to eat that you generously share it with everyone. Everyone eats in your house because your kitchen is full of food.
Then one day someone comes to your door and offers you pizza for life. All you have to do is let them control you. What would you do? You would laugh and say, "I don't need your pizza! I have a magical kitchen, but come in and enjoy the food I have to offer!"
Now imagine that you are starving and your kitchen is empty. You haven't eaten anything substantial in days. Now someone comes to your house and offers you the pizza. And you're so hungry that you accept it and allow them to control your life.
All our hearts are like the magical kitchen, although we forget the abundance of love in our hearts or are cut off from it. We accept relationships and situations that are unhealthy for us because we hunger for love and affection. Meanwhile, our hearts have an eternal flow of love that does not ask for anything. We are full, and if we rediscover this universal truth, we will never go hungry again.
The most important relationship in our life is the one we have with ourselves. If we are to attract people and situations in our lives that are healthy and based on mutual love and respect, we need to heal our emotional wounds, change our patterns, and love all parts of us unconditionally. Only then can true love flow in our lives and relationships.
About Shannon Leigh
Shannon Leigh is a student and creator of life. She is here to learn and share experiences with others by practicing yoga. She believes that yoga brings us back to our most authentic selves, and the best way to be a light to others is to cultivate self-love and acceptance. Out of unconditional love the magic of our life can unfold in the most beautiful way. Visit her at beloveleigh.com.
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