"Make the best of yourself … because that's all there is of you." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
It was more or less the same every day. I presented an edited version of myself to the world. I was deeply uncomfortable with the idea of letting go. I could? Should I? The answer was "no" every time, even if it wasn't always a conscious decision.
It felt wrong to be myself in a society where we are conditioned to believe that we have to look and be a certain way in order to adapt. I believed that nobody would accept me for who I was. That it would lead to my personality being ridiculed or criticized.
How can someone understand someone who is both calm and bubbly? The two shouldn't go together. If you're bubbly, it means you are sociable, fun, and lively. On the other hand, a calm person is likely just that – calm all the time. At least that's what most people think.
And if you are both, then something is not quite right about you because you cannot be put in a box.
As for the side of me that likes to laugh, is silly and squeaks with joy at rainbows, how childish. I have to grow up. I should be more mature than anyone else; Play less and take life seriously because it is as an adult. Less fun, more … boring.
These thoughts held me back for years. The "shoulds" I set on myself were endless and seldom worked in my favor, leaving parts of me hidden like a shameful secret that could never be revealed. The biggest annoyance was not being able to show all sides of me.
Over time I noticed some things about the way I dealt with people. I noticed that sometimes I felt completely relaxed around someone. Talking to them felt like talking to someone I have known for years.
There was no tension, no paranoia about what to think of me, and no unnecessary babble of thoughts to convince me that I looked stupid or weird.
The second form of interaction was the kind of encounter in which I felt judged with every breath.
The mood was off, a complete disparity, and the conversation was tense. Was it me and was it the cause of this breakup? Perhaps my apparent feelings of awkwardness or self-awareness have sometimes left the other person with a feeling of discomfort. Maybe they gave up after hitting the invisible wall I built around me.
And then there was and is the third type of interaction. The way I like to speak to someone, but I make a conscious choice not to show everyone who I am. It's not necessarily because I don't like the person or because I have something against them. It's often because I don't feel connected to them where I want to show other sides of myself.
Sometimes, but not always, I see myself as a price. The further we go, the more of me you gain. The deeper I feel, the more of the price you get to see, which can be pompous to a certain extent. But it's not about thinking that I'm better than anyone or that I can choose someone else's level of earnings.
It is the connection level that is most important. In my eyes there is no need to always show everything to everyone just to do it, and maybe that's the introvert in my speaking. But that made me feel better than myself.
No pressure, no compulsion. Just do it as I understand it and understand that I can choose: in interactions, I either reveal more of myself or I don't. And if my holding back is causing me to fail to make a deeper connection with someone for seeing me as "hard work," then that is our loss. A loss that will not break us, however, if we do not allow it.
So when you struggle to be yourself, remember that you too have a choice. Always. And you don't have to feel guilty or bad about being your real self to others, especially when you don't even want to be. Sometimes it may not be appropriate at all.
Coming up as your fully grown glorious self can feel terrifying, and that's okay because you're human. So obvious, but so easy to forget.
As humans we ride the waves of life every day. Some of the waves are far too turbulent to endure and we feel beaten, hurt and shaken.
We believe that what we have experienced is an undivided experience – nobody will ever understand it; We think what we've done shouldn't be revealed – people will think badly of us. We assume that what we haven't done will be turned against us. This may be the case in some cases, but the rest of the time we are safer than we think.
It is important to be yourself, but forcing yourself to achieve it is not. You can practice. You can take two steps forward and five steps back. You may stumble several times. You can be human.
So be patient with yourself and focus on embracing your humanity, because more than anything that is what we all share. And when we accept it, we make it easier for us to accept what, who and how we are.
It is the reminder that we are human and the compassion we have for ourselves that brings us closer to ourselves. Trying to be yourself while ignoring your human tendencies and being hard on yourself will only lead to more attempts.
Time to stop trying, especially if you've tried for years. Instead, spend more time realizing how human you are today. Spend time realizing how human others are. You may not always like what you see, but there is no getting around the fact that it all comes back to us being human. Diverse people.
About Denise McKen
Denise is the creator of Mission: Sugar-Free, a workbook to help women prepare to quit sugar and stay successfully sugar-free. TheSugarFreeLife.club.
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