The main cause of suffering for many of us is the belief that something is wrong with us. The offices of psychiatrists and therapists are full of people who carry this false belief, mostly due to traumatic or painful childhood experiences, or even people who tell us directly.
Sometimes we concluded this idea because we were treated badly as children and / or our physical or emotional needs were not met. We may have been labeled selfish or bad for “asking too much”, or we may have been told we couldn't have what we wanted because we didn't “deserve or deserve it”.
Maybe we blamed ourselves for our parents' fights and / or divorce, or for problems that went on in our family, because we believed they were our fault.
Our little minds drew conclusions, and for some of us abandonment became the solution. We did this because we thought there was something wrong with us – welcome oppression, philanthropic, and "good little boy or girl."
Without conscious awareness we tried to be and to do what others wanted and do from us, so that they love and accept us. This is how we have hidden our truth. We also concluded that it was not okay to feel how we were feeling, so we made sure to suppress our feelings, especially those that seemed forbidden, such as anger or sadness.
All of this separated us from our authenticity. Many of us live our whole lives the way others have told us to be and we are never really happy.
Because we believed it was wrong for us to be ourselves, some of us caused symptoms such as addiction, depression, eating disorders, anxiety, or even illness in the body.
Now we have more reasons to believe that we are "bad" or "wrong" because we may think that these symptoms prove it. Welcome more self-hatred – now we are living with a great internal debate. It becomes a no-win situation and we desperately turn to escapism and / or we create stunning / survival mechanisms.
We think: "I can only show the good me" – "good" according to the rules of our family and society – and "I cannot show the bad me", which are only parts of us that were not for our family or society is not acceptable. That way we never really experience inner peace. instead we become fragmented beings.
Welcome shame and shadow "hidden". What's this? Hiding shadows denies or denies parts of us that were not to be seen. we pressed them into our shadows and put them in our "forbidden cage".
Most people believe that our shadows carry our deep pains and pains, and they may, but in our shadows also lies our authenticity, our kindness, our natural gifts, talents and abilities, our creativity and our greatest qualities
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How does the idea that something is wrong with us affect our lives? When we have this as our core belief, we can produce symptoms such as self-sabotage, fear, helplessness, hopelessness, and the other symptoms mentioned above.
We filter our perceptions and perspectives through the way we feel ourselves, and we let this feeling create our reality.
We can deny our true desires and what makes us really happy. Sometimes we do this unconsciously; However, it shows up as hesitant and / or self-sabotaging, or as an indication that we don't know what to like or how to have fun and play – because we believe this is not okay.
We may find it difficult to tell our truth and ask about what we need in relationships. We become philanthropic beings because we have learned that we have to give up on ourselves in order to be accepted and to be a good person.
We could try to suppress, deny or run away from negative, sad or unacceptable feelings because we were told we were bad or wrong when we feel what we felt.
If there is shame in our system, we will never feel good enough. We may even feel like a failure or we can overcompensate and try to prove that we are good enough through success, fame and accumulation, but deep down we are empty and not happy.
Just for your information, there is nothing wrong with these things. It is the energy behind what we do that we need to pay attention to.
There are many ways this wrong idea works out, especially in the energy of fear and doubt.
So here's a bit of what it was like for me to have this misconception that something is wrong with me. This belief arose from the messages I received as a little being and derived from them. I was constantly being told that I was wrong, fat, ugly, stupid, selfish, and that I was asking too much.
Since my earliest memory I have eaten a lot; Food comforted and calmed me. It gave me the opportunity to focus my energies, numb my painful feelings and protect myself in an environment where I was not accepted.
Then at the age of thirteen my doctor told me to go on a diet and by the age of fifteen I was anorexic which made me feel even more wrong and bad.
Anorexia was a symptom that resulted from feeling and believing that I was undeserved, bad and wrong and that I had to deprive myself in order to be accepted and loved. A little crazy huh?
What most people don't understand is that anorexia is not just about starving our bodies, we starving ourselves from life. It's self-denial, self-abandonment, and self-abuse, the opposite of self-respect and self-love.
I took on the way my parents treated me and became my own mean parent. I beat myself daily with negative self-talk, cut off my wrists and face, scolded, starved and exercised compulsively. I was also depressed and anxious and took sleeping pills to sleep all day.
I was a slave to this way of being because I believed that something was wrong with me and went even deeper that I was bad and wrong.
I took everything, not just food. I did not allow myself to get close to others or to buy anything. Basically, I lived in want, limitation and fear every day. If I made money it had to go to the bank and I overworked myself to prove that I was a "good girl". I put myself in dangerous situations like walking alone in bad areas at night and stayed in abusive relationships because I didn't value myself or my life.
I lived in a trance and no one could help me change. Even after going to numerous hospitals and treatment centers and seeing therapists for over 23 years, I was still living in an internal war. I held on to my harmful way of life believing that I deserved to be treated like this. In this way I learned to deal with the problem and to survive it.
How did things finally change? How did I get to where I am today? I finally took my healing into my own hands and found myself on a spiritual path. It was only when everyone gave up on me and my body slowly deteriorated that I decided to learn about self-acceptance, self-respect and self-love.
It was a process. I have read a lot of self-help books, but most of them have only worked consciously. It was like fighting my own biology and consciously trying to change, but my energy patterns said nothing.
I didn't feel comfortable being true to myself and living in my body until I went to the root cause – until I understood why I was carrying this energy internally.
By going to the root cause – which happened when I was younger – I made contact with my inner child who was really hurt and crying out for love.
Sweet little Debra was so scared and unsafe because no one ever comforted her or let her know that she was okay. She wanted and needed to know that she wasn't bad or wrong and that it was okay for her to come out and play. that she was now loved, accepted, valued, and safe.
She was very hurt and angry and it took a while before she trusted me. However, I stuck with it and gradually felt at peace inside through self-love and self-acceptance.
What if we didn't give medication to someone who doesn't really need them, but gave them the prescription that nothing is wrong with them?
What if we helped them peel off the conditioning layers, help them heal their trauma and unresolved problems, and gave them permission to love and honor themselves and accept their authenticity?
What if we stopped judging ourselves and making ourselves bad or wrong for who we are and instead love and accept each other unconditionally – especially those parts of our family and / or Society were / will not be accepted?
What if we saw our shame, insecurity and fear of being seen as parts of us asking for compassion, forgiveness, unconditional acceptance and love?
What if we saw our "mistakes" as beautiful and valuable aspects of ourselves and began to find appreciation for those parts of us that were not accepted by society?
What if we moved from self-assessment to self-compassion and self-love and allowed ourselves to feel how we feel?
What if we made friends with each other so that we can feel comfortable all day? So we didn't try so hard to be someone acceptable, but rather flowed with heart and soul?
What if we changed things about ourselves and our lives because it is an act of self-love – we have improved because we want to, not because we have to, in order to be accepted and loved by others?
Hopefully when we bring the work in there will come a time when we will see that we no longer have to "fix" ourselves in a certain way in order to be accepted by others. And instead, we allow ourselves to be who we are, we love and accept each other unconditionally and only change when we want to, not because we think something is wrong with us. Because there aren't any. And that never happened.
About Debra Mittler
Debra Mittler is a warm and compassionate healer with a unique ability to touch people's hearts and souls. She enjoys helping others to love and accept each other unconditionally, to feel at peace in her body and to live authentically. A leading authority in overcoming obstacles, Debra supports her clients by owning a space of unconditional love and providing encouragement, powerful tools, and valuable insights to enable them to experience and listen to their own inner wisdom.
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