"Hope is the feeling that the feeling you have is not permanent." ~ Jean Kerr
Here's what nobody tells you about dating – it sucks. The uncertainty, the inconsistency, the stress. Dating has always been easy for me. At least I thought.
The more I think back, the more I see that I accepted things that I shouldn't have in all my relationships. I allowed my needs to come last, took the blame and stayed when no priority was given to me. For what reason I'm still not quite sure. But I can tell you this: if you meet someone you think you live with in your late twenties, think you have found out everything.
And then you're thirty-one.
Dating in New York is difficult. Just watch a sex and the city episode. However, it is more difficult to learn how to sit with yourself. Learn how to take the risk of feeling the real depths of loneliness and fear – the fear of being alone, the fear that nobody wants you, the fear of never being enough.
But it's not about dating. No, this is about heartache.
What do you do when you are single after years in a relationship? You cry. You shout. You fall apart.
Last year I was sitting a lot with myself. And you know what? It is terrible. It's by far one of the most difficult things I've ever done. Imagine sitting on the floor, unable to sit up and crying so violently that your inside looks like they're coming out.
That was me. Being picked up from the floor by my parents.
Every part of me was shaken. Daily functioning was almost impossible and I couldn't walk for an hour without crying. The man I loved with every part of me would no longer be with me.
Then came the guilt. I had been in relationships before, but this was the first man I imagined living with. That was my fault; I was not what he needed and I had to fix that. This always played a role in my head.
Fear seized and I was on a crusade to reach him and speak to him. Every attempt drove me deeper and deeper into a black hole of sadness. Until one day I stopped reaching him.
Last year we kind of went in and out of each other's lives. You might think that this would make everything less painful. I did. But after every conversation I was back in the rabbit hole of darkness.
I tried everything to relieve the pain. I have read all the articles, I have read books, I have had a pet, I have meditated, I have continued therapy, I have done everything to go out with my friends, and in the silence the feelings have still flooded me.
The irony of all of this is that I'm a psychiatrist, but I couldn't pull myself out in the deep darkness of sadness. Here's the greatest insight: you can't stop it.
Severe heartache changes you. I can't remember who I was before him. But I know who I am.
To this day, I use my cell phone when I'm scared to call him. Do something else. Write, read, call someone. Changing the pattern is difficult, but it's worth it.
I will always have a permanent scar in my heart. I can point to it and show you exactly where my heart broke. Today it is sewn together. There are parts that are healed and parts where sadness is still coming through.
You have to feel it. The intense emotion, the despair, the high spirits. It all plays a role in healing.
I think I always have moments of what could have been, but today I am opening here to let the light in. To let someone else's opportunity in my life.
I learned the following on my previous healing journey:
1. Accept no less than you think you deserve.
2. You will never be too much.
3. You are enough.
4. You are worth it.
5. Some days just suck somehow.
When you finally stop crying, the wind tends to blow and boom thirty degrees to the left, standing in the middle of a parking lot, tears running down your face. That's okay. Accept it, live in it and free it.
I have not seen how I could go on in my life without him. Sometimes I still have moments of it. The memories flood my mind, my eyes are full of tears and the pain in my chest makes me feel like my heart is going to explode every second.
It gets better.
Through all of this, I met some really wonderful people and discovered my evil inner warrior. I have found myself again and feed them daily. That means taking a moment to meditate in the morning, trying to heal Reiki, realigning my chakras, reading, writing, and simply stopping to make me feel.
Here I speak my truth today. A truth of love, light, grief, pain and everything in between.
My advice to you – inhale, take a deep breath, feel everything, shout out, laugh, accept every single feeling. One day everything will feel normal again and one day your heart will be open. You cannot wish for it, no matter how hard you try.
Setbacks are part of the process. Allow yourself the space to feel terribly sad and then get up and carry on. It doesn't matter which direction you go, just move.
Sit back. Feel it. Breathe it. Be it. Let it go.
About Margaret Christy
Margaret Christy is a licensed marriage and family therapist from Queens, NY. She shares her story in the hope that she only touches one person. She spends her time embracing life, learning how to live and love with power and light, and transferring it to others. Her passion is to enable other people to find their inner self through mindfulness and meditation. Visit her on Instagram MargaretchristyLMFT.
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